


Tears of Yesterday[눈물의 Yesterday]

by xdorkyx



Category: SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-08-08 13:39:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 45,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7759921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xdorkyx/pseuds/xdorkyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(this is not a summary, just phrases from SHINee's Night Photobook which i believe describes the story well)</p><p> </p><p>It still seems the same as if nothing has changed from yesterday</p><p>From the road that I'm walking on now<br/>I look back and everything appears unchanged</p><p>Sometimes you wander off into a past memory reliving each moment</p><p>At times, you are stuck in a moment.<br/>People from the past come back to you along with the memories</p><p>Too much time has already passed<br/>We can't return to the place where so much has changed<br/>The child I was, long gone, I adapt to reality<br/>I'm in with the natural flow of time</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this nearly two years ago and posted it in another site but decided to try posting it here too. hope you like it!

/ _October 2015_ /

"I told you, mom. I don't want to go."

 

"Don't lie, Taemin."

 

 _Don't lie, Taemin._  He repeated in his head and snorted.

 

He was checking in at the airport. His mother was there beside him holding his arm and stroking it. His father was sitting down watching them from afar.

 

He embraced his mother. A part of him didn't want to let go and another part was telling him to pull away and just get out of there. It wasn't like he was going to be away for too long. He'd only be gone for a few months(even less). He could survive without his parents.

 

He waved at them as he entered the inner part of the airport and soon, his parents weren't visible anymore. He was alone.

 

He sat beside the window and stared at the plane's left wing. He was leaving Japan and was finally coming back to his motherland after seven years.  _Long seven years._

 

"Please, fasten your seatbelt."

 

He put his headphones on and closed his eyes. His memories of the past were starting to enter his head. He could recall very well the places he used to go to and the people he used to know. He missed everything and everyone. He couldn't deny that but somehow he was scared to come back. The thought of coming back never entered his head because he was afraid. He didn't know what to expect. He didn't know if things had changed. And if there were changes, he didn't know if he was ready to face them.

 

He opened his eyes. The plane has landed. It seemed really quick. He felt like he just closed his eyes moments ago, but there he was, stepping on the Korean ground. He put the straps of his backpack on his shoulders after he grabbed his suitcase. He lazily pulled it out with him to where everyone was waiting for the new arrivals. He saw two familiar faces. There was joy in their faces, he could see it.

 

"Mom! Dad!" Those words just easily slid down his tongue. It came out of his mouth so naturally.

 

He let his headphones rest on his shoulders as he hurriedly strolled towards them dragging his suitcase with him. He smiled and embraced them tightly letting his suitcase go. He missed them. Really, really missed them. He pulled his head away just to look at them. He glanced at the man he had been calling "dad" since he was a toddler.  _He still looks exactly the same. But his hair has some silver strands._  Then at the lady that he considered his mother his entire life.  _She aged. But she's still beautiful._

  
 

 _If you blend their faces together, the result would be Jinki hyung's face. Why did I realize that just now? While I..._ He said to himself as he continued staring.

  
 

"Your hyung is in Jeju with his friends right now. But he'll be back tomorrow morning." His father said as he started pulling his suitcase. He knew the young man didn't want to ask but was also curious so he just told him.

  
 

"Ah, my youngest. How was the plane ride? Was it tiring?" His mother rubbed the side of his arm. Her touch was still so familiar. How that felt really relaxing. He shook his head and smiled at her.

  
 

Taemin sat on the backseat. It was an hour car trip from Incheon International Airport to Gyeonggi, their province, but he didn't get bored. He just stared out the window looking at the forgotten sceneries while he listened to his mom and dad's stories. Happy and wonderful stories about their meat business, their little trips to abroad, their life(without him). He knew they were avoiding the sad ones because of him and honestly, he preferred it that way. He didn't want to know what his _parents_  went through when he left. He was okay knowing that they were okay.

 

Taemin halted right in front of their house's dark blue gate. He was glad that everything was the same as he last saw it, well, at least, the exterior part of the house. He instantly grinned when he entered the house and nothing had changed. He didn't know whether they let it be that way because of him or not, but it made him feel at home again.

 

They had lunch and continued their little chat. This time, Taemin was talking. He didn't want his dear parents to think that he wasn't happy to be there because he really was. He was so contented to be with them again. He couldn't ask for more.

 

So far, he had not regretted coming back but he knew there would be so much more waiting for him there.

 

<<< 

 

"Don't wake him up."

"But mom—"

 

Taemin could hear some whispers. He blinked his eyes for a few times before he fully opened them. The sun rays peeped through the small gaps between the curtains. He then remembered he wasn't in Japan anymore. He remembered he was back home and that he was lying on his old small but oh so cosy bed.

 

"It probably just shrunk." He kiddingly said to himself and rubbed his eyes before he sat up letting his feet touch the wooden floor. He tried to sense his slippers with his bare feet and after a few seconds, he was finally able to put them on. He stood up and walked out of the room like a zombie. He was still half-asleep.

 

"Lee Taemin!" He knew that voice. He knew who just called out his name. He raised his head and found a familiar yet not so familiar face. He batted his eyes, rubbed them again and widened them to see clearer.

"Jinki hyung?" He oddly asked.

"Yes, it's me, idiot." Jinki pulled the younger and enclosed him in his arms. Taemin couldn't see his face, but he knew he was smiling. He then slowly raised his right hand and placed it on the elder's back. He didn't know why, but he just stroked it. He didn't want that hug to be over. His  _older brother_  still gave the warmest hugs.

 

"You've changed." Taemin uttered that made Jinki broke their hug and looked at him in disbelief.

"Me? And what about you? I barely recognized you." Jinki tilted his head a little and raised his eyebrows. They both chuckled. Taemin was so scared of changes. He didn't even realize that he had changed as well.

 

Jinki just hugged Taemin again. And Taemin could get used to that again. At least his hugs were still the same.

 

"Our family is complete again." Mrs Lee said as she started to shed tears. The sight of her boys, her children embracing just made her so happy that it made her cry. Her husband rubbed her back and tried to stop her from crying and the two boys neared her and did the same.

 

 _Complete_. That word echoed in Taemin's head. He, too, felt complete. Well, almost. There was still a part of him missing.

 

They had an abundant breakfast just like what they used to have(the same reason why Jinki was a chubby kid). They were celebrating Taemin's return even if it was only temporary. At least, he was back. Their house felt like a home again.

 

They all just reminisced the old and good times as they ate. Even Taemin. Because he only had good memories with them on that same varnished table.

 

[2000]

"No, I don't wanna." Taemin was playing with his firetruck toy on the floor.

"Taem, come on. Be a good boy." Mrs Lee was putting rice in their bowls.

"I'm not hungry." Taemin continued refusing.

"Lee Taemin." Mr Lee tried to scare him with his angry tone and by calling him by his full name.

"No." But Taemin knew his father too well.

"Taemin, come. Sit on my lap. You'd like that, right?" Mrs Lee invited but he shook his head.

"I wanna sit on Jinki hyung's lap!" Taemin pointed at Jinki who had already put a spoonful of rice in his mouth. Taemin stood up and jumped on Jinki's lap. Jinki almost choked. Taemin just opened his mouth widely and waited for his brother to feed him. And so Jinki did.

"You really love your hyung, don't you?" Mr Lee asked his youngest.

"I also love you but I love hyung more." Taemin adjusted a little and sheepishly smiled at Jinki. He smiled too and messed up the little boy's head. Taemin wasn't look away though. Like he was waiting for something from Jinki. He nudged him a little and Jinki chuckled. He knew what the kid wanted.

"I love you too, little brother."

 

Taemin wrapped his arms around his chubby and cuddly teddybear-like brother. They all laughed.

 

[2003]

"Have you finished your homework, Taemin?"

"Not yet. I'm waiting for hyung." Taemin was tapping his pencil on the table and was staring at his notes.

"But he's still taking a shower. Finish it up and go to sleep."

"But mommy," Taemin frowned and batted his eyes. That was his way of pleading.

"Jinki, hurry up. Your brother's acting lazy again." Mrs Lee knocked on the bathroom door shaking her head after seeing her younger smiling so evilly. Taemin always got what he wanted.

"Love you, mommy!" He exclaimed when Jinki finally got out of the bathroom.

 

"Taem, don't be hardheaded. Follow mom's order. Obey her all the time, okay?" Jinki told him as he sat next to his little brother.

"All the time?" Taemin questioned.

"All the time." Jinki nodded.

"Okay! Sorry, mommy. I'll obey you from this day on. All the time!" Taemin apologized to his mom and she simply grinned at him as she washed the dishes. He only listened to Jinki and no one else. Mrs Lee didn't mind. Jinki had always been the best role model to his little brother. So whenever Jinki studied, Taemin would study too and this would result to good school grades. They always did great at school that was why their parents never complained.

 

[March 2005]

"What? No!" Taemin stumped his feet.

"Hyung, you can't leave. I won't let you!" He grabbed his brother's arm and took a tight grip on it.

"Taemin. I'm just gonna study in Seoul. It's close from here. I'll always come home in the weekends." Jinki put his hand over Taemin clasping hand. He received a scholarship from a prestigious high school in Seoul and he didn't want to miss that opportunity.

"Can't I just come with you?"

"And what? You're gonna leave mom and dad here?"

"But you're leaving them too." Taemin made so much sense that Jinki just glanced at his parents starting to feel indecisive. But both of his parents shook their heads. His mom placed a hand on his shoulder and patted it telling him with her eyes that it was okay.

"Taemin, your brother's just gonna study there. He said he'll always come and visit." Mr Lee spoke up for his son.

"Then, hyung, promise me you'll always come back in the weekends. Promise me you'll call everyday." Taemin put his free hand on the table and raised his baby finger. Jinki did the same and wrapped his to it. Jinki never broke that pinky promise. He always came back and they would always eat happily around that same table. He always called and he would always tell Taemin that he misses him.

 

Jinki had never broken any of his promises in his entire life because he only made promises he could keep and he only made promises to Taemin.

 

<<< 

 

"You'll come back, right?" Mrs Lee caressed his youngest son's left cheek. Jinki was helping his dad put Taemin's things in the back of his car.

"Of course. Every weekend." Taemin nodded and smiled childishly.

"Make sure your hyung comes with you." Mrs Lee whispered but Jinki was able to hear it clearly. He didn't give any reaction though and Taemin was a bit weirded by it. Taemin thought that Jinki still came back often, but then he thought wrong.  _Does he still...?_

 

"See you soon, mom, dad." Jinki bowed to his parents to show his good manners. Taemin did the same.

 

Both got into the car. Taemin rolled down the window and waved at his parents as Jinki started the car. Jinki just flashed a small smile before the car started moving. Soon, they were far from their home, out of the province and into the modern city of Seoul. They didn't speak during the entire ride. They just listened to the songs in the radio and let it break the oddness between them. It wasn't the same anymore, that's for sure. But both wanted everything to be back to the way it was before. Back to what they thought was  _normal_  for them.

 

Jinki stopped the car in front of a reddish building. Taemin knew where they were. They were in front of Jinki's old apartment building. Well, it seemed like he was still living there. He never changed his flat.  _Still at Cheongdam?_ He looked around and everything looked the same.

 

Jinki carried Taemin's things for him. Everyone practically did everything for him(everyone still does). They both carefully and slowly went up the stairs, still silence was surrounding them. Taemin stopped when they reached Jinki's floor.

 

[December 2005]

"Taemin?" Jinki just got to his apartment from his part-time job when he saw his little brother standing in front of the front door wrapped up in thick jacket with a huge rucksack on his back. It looked like he had been waiting for him for a little while.

"Hi, hyung." Taemin greeted his brother with his trembling voice. He was a little scared of what Jinki would say. Jinki had a shocked and displeased face expression. Taemin could tell he was a little mad too. He wasn't exactly sure since he had never seen him mad before.

 

Jinki grabbed Taemin's arm and pulled him into the flat. Jinki pushed him down the couch. He crossed his arms on his chest and waited for the younger boy to explain himself.  _Yup. He's mad._

 

"Hyung, I really miss you. I want to be with you. I want to live with you. Let me stay, please!" Taemin put his hands together and pleaded. He closed his eyes tightly. He was getting scared of the look that Jinki was giving him.

"So you ran away from home? Is that it? Huh?" Jinki was raising his voice. He needed to so Taemin would be afraid and maybe he'd change his mind or he'd change his view of him.

"Jinki hyung, don't be mad at me. Please. And I'm sorry but I'm not leaving. I want to stay here. With you." Taemin was being stubborn. Although he was getting scared, he didn't give up because all he wanted was to be with his brother. It didn't feel the same in their house in the province without Jinki. Sure, he always came back in the weekends, but it was still different. And Taemin didn't want that different atmosphere. He wanted his hyung. So he ran away because he thought that was the only option.

"Taemin..." Jinki rubbed his forehead not knowing what to do with his little brother. How was he going to convince him to go? He sighed really deeply knowing that he just couldn't. There was no way that Taemin would move from his seat.

"I'll let you stay here," Jinki started and Taemin's face just lit up.

"But only for tonight. I'm taking you home tomorrow. That's final." Jinki added before he took his phone from his pocket and dialed his mom's number.

 

There was relief in Mrs Lee's voice after knowing that Taemin was with Jinki. They were really worried because he was nowhere to be found after school. She looked at his room and saw his closet opened and was half empty. She even called his schoolmates but he wasn't with them. It was a really huge surprise to hear he was in Seoul. She talked to Taemin calmly and told him not to do that again while their father reprimanded him for over 15 minutes that his right ear almost got deaf. He apologized and admitted he did wrong but he already did it and there was nothing more they could do about it.

 

They slept on Jinki's double bed. Next to each other because Taemin didn't let him sleep on the sofa. He only had one bedroom and one bed and Taemin wanted to sleep next to his brother. He said he missed his smell and his warmth. Taemin was so small and thin yet he was able to hover over Jinki wrapping his arm around Jinki's waist and placing his leg over his. Jinki chuckled without making any sound. He couldn't get angry at Taemin. He always had a way to be adored even after doing something so wrong. Jinki just ran his fingers in Taemin's hair. He knew that would make him sleep even deeper.

 

The next day, after lunch, they took the bus to Gyeonggi province. It was a Saturday so Jinki didn't have classes. When they arrived at their house, Taemin received another series of scolding from his dad. His mom wasn't speaking and neither was Jinki. Both thought he deserved it. Even he thought so. He was probably crying deep inside. He wasn't sure. He was never a cry-baby. He didn't cry to things like that.

 

Then he jumped from joy after hearing his parents good news—they were letting him move with Jinki to Seoul. Well, he had to wait for a few more months, till he graduates from grade school. After that naughty act he did, they thought that they should just let him have what he wanted so it wouldn't happen again. He could attend his middle school in Seoul and Jinki would take full responsibility of his little brother. Maybe it was a huge responsibility since he was still young too, he was only turning 16 in a few days, but he was ready for it. He was feeling kinda lonely in the flat. He wouldn't mind having Taemin around. The flat would surely turn upside down but at least it would be full of bliss.

 

///

 

"Taem. Taemin." Taemin snapped out when Jinki called his name.

"Come in." Jinki invited him inside the apartment and so he followed.

 

Jinki was telling him something about the bed but he was too distracted by the flat itself. It was almost identical as he always remembered. There were just small changes that didn't even bother him. He put down his phone and headphones on the couch before stared at the photos on the wall. The same. There was their family picture, a photo of Jinki and him when they were still little and a photo of him when he was a baby(Jinki loved his baby pictures). Then he looked at the shelf. There were a lot of books but there were also picture frames standing. There was another picture of Jinki with him. Then another with Jinki and some guy he didn't know. A stranger to him but not to his older brother. If a picture of that man was framed, it only meant that he was important to Jinki.  _At least he has made new friends._ Then another with him and...  _her_. He froze for a second.

 

"Are you happy?" Jinki shouted from the bedroom.

"Huh?" Taemin wasn't listening because he was too drawn to the last photo he was looking at. So he shook his head and just went closer to Jinki.

"You'll get the bed all to yourself now. You're not tiny anymore." Jinki joked.

"Where are you going to sleep?" Taemin worriedly asked. He was afraid that he was bothering his brother.

"The sofa-bed. No need to worry. I prepared for this day, Taem." Jinki grinned.

"I'm glad you're back, Taemin." Jinki put his hand over Taemin's shoulder and rubbed it. Taemin lightly nodded and gave him a half smile.  _I wish I could say the same._


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the setting is in fall of 2015(since i wrote this last year)

 

Jinki and Taemin organized Taemin's things in the bedroom. Well, Taemin was only watching his brother. Jinki wouldn't let him help. Jinki missed doing everything for him. He was used to it that's why he was happy to finally be able to do things for him again.

 

Taemin sat on the edge of the bed and stretched his legs bending them a little then extending them forward. Jinki watched him do it. Taemin didn't realize his brother had already finished putting his clothes in the drawer. He was too focused on his legs and the movements they were making.

 

"Are you tired?" Jinki finally broke the silence. Taemin looked up at him and bit his lower lip.

"A little." He responded looking down again.

"Sleep then. I'll just wake you up when it's time for dinner." Jinki smiled and so Taemin nodded. The doorbell rang when Jinki had just opened the bedroom door.

"I'll get it." Jinki ran out. He opened the door in a hurry after seeing who it was from the little screen beside the door.

 

"Why didn't you tell me you're already back?!" Amber exclaimed as she walked into the flat, her eyes were a bit furious but Jinki was just laughing.

"No texts? No calls? Seriously, oppa, what am I to you?" She asked gesturing her hands in every way she could but Jinki continued laughing before he grabbed her arm and hugged her firmly. Amber sighed and rolled her eyes as she hugged him back.

"Stop acting like a girl, Amber. It doesn't suit you." He whispered and so Amber punched his left arm as hard as she could then she pushed him away but Jinki pulled her again for another warm embrace. She just let him do what he wanted because she frankly felt comfortable with his arms around her giving her warmth. She missed him and he missed her too. Even if Jinki was only away for two weeks. They were so used to seeing each other almost everyday that two weeks just felt soooo long.

 

"Taemin," Amber muttered when she saw Taemin standing motionless next to the center table at the living room. She broke away from Jinki and stared at Taemin. Jinki was practically doing the same.

"I was just going to get my phone." Taemin slightly shook his head before he took his phone and headphones on the sofa where he threw them earlier.

"Taem, don't you recognize her?" Jinki immediately stopped Taemin from walking back to his room.  _Of course, I recognize her._

"Uhm... No, sorry." He didn't avoid eye contact to prove he was telling the truth.

"It's Amber." Jinki pointed at Amber joyfully with his two point fingers. _I know who she is._

"I... I really don't remember her." He bit his chapped and dry lower lip. It was about to bleed. Just a few more bites and they'd surely bleed. It had become a habit. A terrible habit when he felt nervous or whenever he had nothing to do.

"I'm really tired, hyung. I'll see you some other time... Uh...?"

"Amber," she answered instantly like she was gonna get something in return after answering. But there was nothing. He didn't speak anymore and just went back to the bedroom.

 

"He... he doesn't know me anymore?" Amber turned to Jinki with her eyes full of sadness and disappointment. Jinki could tell she was about to cry so he comforted her by patting her head.

"Hey, it's alright. Seven years is not a short period of time, Amber."

"Yeah, but—"

"And he didn't recognize me when he first saw me the other day." Jinki would tell her so many reasons not to worry. He couldn't take another tear drop from her. He had had enough. It was torturous—the countless tears she had shed. And he might end up crying as well if she ever started.

 

"Ah, how would he even recognize you? You have become so handsome." Amber cupped Jinki's face and squeezed it with her palms.

"Are you saying I was ugly before?" Jinki annoyingly asked and raised a brow. Amber nodded and chuckled. She was starting to light up again.

"Not nice, missy." Jinki hissed.

 

"But I didn't even change. Not a single bit... just for him." But she became down again. That wasn't how she imagined their reuniting would be. She was expecting an embrace or a cheerful greeting, even an "I missed you".

"You've changed over the years, Amber." Jinki put his hands over Amber's which were still pressed against his cheeks.

"You've become so much prettier." He added. And no, he didn't just say that to make her feel better. He meant it.

 

Taemin was peeking at the keyhole. He couldn't hear what they were saying but he could see them clearly. They looked so sweet that Taemin could puke. He stood up and leaned against the door closing his eyes and breathing in very deeply. He placed his hand over his chest. He then clenched his own shirt before he hit his chest nonstop. His heart, it was aching.

 

"Amber~"

 

[2007]

Taemin happily walked up the stairs to their apartment holding a plastic bag each in both of his hands. He bought some snacks for him and for his brother. It was a Friday and they usually watched some films on Friday nights. It had become a little routine for them. Jinki needed a break from everything. He had been working really hard. It was his final year in high school and apart from school works and projects, he also had a tutoring job. He wished he could be as intelligent as his older brother. Jinki just seemed like the type who was born smart while he, he needed to study hard to get good grades.

 

He did some odd movements he saw on TV the other night as he stepped on their floor. He didn't know why but he was drawn to this dance contest on TV. He really liked the moves they were making. Especially that so-called pop and lock. He had been imitating the same moves for the past couple of days.

 

He dialed the apartment's code and opened the door jumping into the room.

 

"Hyung! I'm hom—" he cut himself off when he saw Jinki sitting on the sofa. But he wasn't alone. There was a boy/girl(Taemin wasn't sure) sitting on the floor and writing on a paper on the table. He realized they were staring at him. So he walked towards them and he gave his brother a questionable look.

"SHE is Amber. I'm teaching her Korean." Jinki emphasized the first word because he knew Taemin was unsure. Taemin nodded. Now he could see it.  _She doesn't have adam's apple._ She also had girly features. But her hair was making her look like a guy. It was so short, even shorter than his.

"Where is she from?" Taemin asked and sat next to his brother putting the bags on the table.

"America."

"But you don't speak English, hyung." Taemin was teasing his brother. Jinki just messed up his hair. Taemin then sat on the floor next to the stranger. He didn't want her to be just a simple stranger anymore.

 

_/note: italics in quotation marks mean they were said in english. pretend that everything else is in korean. he-he/_

 

_"I'm Taemin. Tae-Min."_  He introduced himself gleefully in English smiling at her showing almost all his white teeth.

_"You're Jinki's brother?"_  Amber tilted her head to see a better view of him. She looked confused. Cute confused. Taemin liked it.

_"Yes, I'm brother."_  Taemin replied that made Jinki and Amber laugh. Now, he was the confused one.

_"He doesn't speak English as well as you."_  Amber commented as she covered her mouth with the back of her hand as she laughed. Taemin noticed that and smiled a little though he was still confused.

_"Obviously not."_  Jinki patted Taemin's head. Taemin grimaced. He couldn't understand them.

"Unfair. Speak Korean, please!" Taemin demanded so the two laughed again. Amber didn't understand him too but the way he said it made her laugh.

 

"She's a noona, Taem."

_"Emberrr noona. Study!"_

"You should study too, little boy."

 

Amber had been to Korea so many times when she was younger that when her parents finally let her, she immediately transferred there. She was only 15. She went to Jinki's school but not as a regular student, well, not yet. She was only there to study Korean but she'd attend that school in a year. She had a different tutor during the day, an English teacher in that school. The school just thought that she'd learn Korean faster from a normal Korean student who was closer to her age. So she took extra lessons from Jinki. He rarely spoke to her in English. Jinki may understand English really well(it was his favorite subject in school) but he still couldn't speak it that well. He just knew the basics and he could form short sentences. And he knew Amber had to hear more Korean than English to get used to the language.

 

Jinki always brought Amber to their apartment after school. He thought it was easier that way so Amber could hear and speak Korean more, hence Taemin not being fond of English and being really talkative. And, well, so he could also take care of his little brother. Taemin was a growing kid, he needed to be monitored. But he didn't become a huge problem for Jinki because he behaved well.

 

Taemin really liked that Jinki always brought her there. She was his, sort of, entertainment. He would always tease her because she had a really funny pronunciation. But it wasn't just because of that. He had just become so fond of the boyish girl. So did Jinki. And she too. The Lee brothers became her first official friends.

 

Taemin, though, was giving less attention to his hyung and was always more focused on Amber. Jinki was actually okay with it since he thought he could use a little break from all the craziness and childishness of his little brother.

 

But later on, Jinki realized that there was something more to Taemin's teasing Amber. Taemin just had a different look on his face whenever he smiled at Amber. It wasn't the same smile he gave Jinki, or to his other friends. It was different. There was something different about the wrinkles beside his eyes and the crescent shape they were forming. There was something different about his flat cheeks that puffed when he smiled. He, Jinki, was sure that his little brother was crushing on Amber.

 

Taemin was just so obvious. He couldn't get more obvious than he already was.

 

Jinki never mentioned it to Taemin. He wanted his brother to tell it himself. And it was just a little crush. Why bother asking? He wasn't even against it. Amber was a nice girl, intelligent and funny. Maybe he liked her too but he wasn't sure, really. He had never liked anyone before.

 

Taemin would always directly rush to Jinki and Amber's school after his classes so he could walk home together with both of them. Well, he just did that so he could see Amber everyday because she didn't come to their apartment all the time. Plus she had a life too. They weren't her only friends.

 

When the three of them were together, no one would feel out of place or feel left out. And if there was someone who sometimes felt left out, it would be Taemin, because Jinki and Amber would have this tiny conversation in English. Little did he know, though, that it was always about him. Because apparently, Amber liked Taemin too. She never told it verbally or openly, not to anyone, not even to Jinki, but she let Jinki understand it through her play on words. She was just not sure if he was getting all the hints she was giving him.

 

One cold winter evening, after their Korean lessons, Jinki invited Amber to have dinner there with them(once in a while he would do that). Amber never refused his offer even if she knew she'd get mocked by Taemin when he sees  her using a pair of chopsticks(she never got used to it). She liked their cooking.  Well, Jinki's cooking. Taemin never really helped. He was either doing his homework, watching TV, taking a bath, etc. That night he was taking a bath. He wanted to smell nice for Amber. While she, she fell asleep as she waited for the food to be ready. Their apartment was just so warm and comfy that she could just stay there forever. She didn't know if it was because of the flat itself and the heating system or because of the two boys who were living there.

 

Jinki gazed at her as she slept deeply on the couch. He smiled. Then he got her a blanket with tiny colorful hearts all over it and placed it over her body. Amber didn't move. She was really fast asleep. Jinki smiled again before he crotched on the floor and leaned forward, his face were inches away from hers.  _She looks funny when she sleeps_. He thought as he moved her fringe to the back of her ear with his chubby little fingers.

 

Taemin watched his hyung as he did it. He creased his forehead that his eyebrows could almost meet. He was jealous. His brother was so close to Amber. Literally.  _He's not supposed to be doing that._  He said in his head. He was getting mad in a way that he couldn't understand. That weird thing was that he was getting mad at his brother.

 

"Shall we wait till she wakes up?" Jinki finally stood up and faced Taemin.

"Yeah, sure." Taemin simply responded and went to the bedroom.

 

He didn't get out when Jinki finally called him to have dinner. Jinki thought he was already asleep so he didn't bother calling him again. So it was just him and Amber who looked like she was still half asleep with her eyes half closed. She even kept yawning. It only made Jinki laugh. His laughter was heard even through the closed bedroom door to Taemin's ears that were already covered with his pillow. Then he heard a series of laughter coming from Amber. He could hear her husky voice too. _What are they laughing about?!_  Taemin was really furious. He just closed his eyes and hoped he could sleep it off. But he failed because he was hungry. His tummy kept grumbling. So when he knew that Amber had left, he stood up and went straight to the kitchen.

 

"I set aside some beef and rice for you. Do you want some soup, too?" Jinki was ready because he knew Taemin would be hungry. He never missed out any meal.

 

Taemin started eating without saying anything to his brother. Jinki, on the other hand, just took his notes and brought them in the kitchen to study there and accompany Taemin. The younger hated the feeling of being alone.

 

Taemin put the bowl and plate in the sink and left the kitchen right after he had eaten. He didn't say a single word to his brother.  _He's acting strange_. Jinki concluded. Normally, Taemin would say "goodnight". Sometimes he would even stay and just watch Jinki study. He would stare at him all night till he could or till Jinki finally decided to sleep because he could see Taemin's eyelids starting to drop. Taemin wouldn't sleep unless Jinki slept too. He would only sleep without Jinki if he was really, really, really tired.

 

"Hyung," Taemin muttered before he finished his glass of milk the next morning.

"Hmm?" Jinki turned his head as he wiped the countertops.

"Amber noona's mine, okay?" Taemin finally said what had been bothering him all night. He couldn't get mad at his hyung for too long so he just said it. Jinki raised his eyebrows then blinked his eyes for a few times. Taemin was looking straight into his eyes. Taemin's eyes were piercing him. Jinki nodded and smiled. But Taemin was still looking at him intensely.

"Promise me you'll never steal her from me." Jinki's mouth slightly opened up letting the air he just inhaled flow out of it.

"I promise."

 

///

 

"He doesn't keep his promises anymore." Taemin snorted and put the headphones on before he laid his head against the wall. Then he stretched out his legs and stared at them for a minute.  He felt like... he couldn't feel his legs. As if they were numb. He was getting scared. He closed his eyes telling his nerves to make his toes move. He closed his eyes tighter. And finally, he was able to move his toes, he was able to wiggle them. He sighed in relief and a dance song started playing. _Dance_. Could he still dance?

 

"You dance!"

 

"Show me more of your dance moves!"

 

"Bravo! You're really amazing!"

 

"Teach me!"

 

"You look so cool when you dance, Taem."

 

"You should stop dancing or... or I might fall for you."

 

Amber's voice echoed in his head. All the compliments she told him. But that last one was just stuck in his head and it wouldn't go. Even if he tried his hardest, it just stayed there. Her voice, the way she said it, he couldn't forget it.

 

[Autumn 2007]

Amber went to the boys' flat one Sunday evening when she knew that the two would be back from the province. She leaned her ears against the door. There was music inside. They were there already. She didn't have to ring the doorbell anymore because they already gave her the code so she pressed the buttons and opened the door. She was so surprised at the sight that welcomed her.

 

"You dance!" She exclaimed that stopped Taemin from what he was doing. He turned off the CD player and looked at Amber timidly. She wasn't supposed to see that. No one was supposed to see that. He never even told Jinki that he liked dancing. It was his little secret.

"Come on, Taem. Dance! Dance!" Amber walked towards him but he shook his head. Taemin sat quietly on the sofa. Amber looked around. Jinki wasn't there. She then turned the CD player on and pulled Taemin up. He wanted to pull away but she was holding his hands tightly. She wouldn't let go.

"Show me how you did that. Like this?" Amber swayed her hands with Taemin creating some funny movements. Taemin laughed.

"No, not like that." He said as he laughed bending his head backward.

"Then show me!"

 

So Taemin showed her the right moves swaying his arms with more preciseness yet still with grace. His movement was as if calculated. And just after a few moments, he was like a real dance machine. Amber watched him move with wonder, with awe. He is truly beautiful when he dances.

 

Jinki was just at the front door, watching him too. His brother had a hidden talent that no one knew. It was superb. Just the way he simply kicked his feet, the way he twirled around, everything was just excellent. Taemin was great. No one could ever take that away from him.

 

"Taemin can dance!" Amber was so happy to announce it to Jinki.

"I can see that." Jinki walked closer to them.

"Can you dance too?"

"No," Jinki shook his head really hard.

"Hyung sings." Taemin proudly stated. He elbowed Jinki signaling him to sing so he did. Just a little. But even with that little piece, Amber heard his soothing and calm singing voice that she could sleep. As for Taemin, hearing his brother sing never failed to amaze him. It was the talent he wanted to have as well but he couldn't have everything, could he?

 

Amber may have liked Jinki's voice, but she still preferred Taemin's dancing. She felt like Taemin needed to show the world his talent, that he shouldn't be ashamed of it. So she was the one to bring and accompany him to dance contests. Of course, Taemin refused first but then Amber told him that he could win some money and he could take them home to his brother. Taemin wanted to earn some money too so he agreed. But he wasn't really joining because of the money. He was joining all the competition because he was the happiest when he danced. He enjoyed every single second of it. And also because of Amber. Because she liked seeing him dance that one day when she brought him to this dance studio that she knew about from a friend, she told him "Ah, Taem, I can't watch you dance anymore," she started as she sat on the floor with her back against the wall mirror, "you should stop dancing or..." she looked down at her fiddling hands, "...or I might fall for you." then she finally looked up at him, her cheeks turning pink. Taemin stopped moving and just stood still. He became immobile.

 

_Will she still like me if she finds out?_


	3. 3

Jinki and Taemin had breakfast silently. Taemin was acting cold towards him again. He figured out it was because of Amber. He knew Taemin recognized Amber. He knew Taemin was just pretending not to know her. How could he even forget about her when she was the only girl he had ever liked in his entire existence?

 

Jinki knew Taemin was mad. But he also knew that the younger never held grudges. So he would surely open up immediately. Jinki just needed to have patience and he needed to give him a little space. So if Taemin didn't want to talk, Jinki didn't try initiating a conversation. Jinki knew how Taemin's brain worked. He was just probably thinking of what to ask his older brother about Amber. Jinki laughed soundlessly with that thought.

 

"That girl from yesterday..." Taemin started as he lightly poked the floating tofu in his soup with his chopsticks. Jinki slightly smirked. He was right. Taemin had not changed even a bit, personality and nature wise. But his features changed. He looked much more mature but still so beautiful. He wasn't like a stickman anymore. He truly grew over the years.

"Are you dating her?" Taemin wasn't looking at Jinki but at his soup that were slowly getting cold.

"I don't know. I feel like you told me once that you're dating a girl." Taemin added. He was still the most obvious one.

"Uh... yeah, we dated. For a while. But we realized that we're better off as friends so we remained great friends. But Taem," Jinki was a little scared to ask but since they were already talking, he should just do it.

"You don't really remember her? Amber?"

"Kind of..." Taemin scratched the back of his head as he pouted his lips a little and move them to the side.

"I have so little memories of her." But truthfully, there were too much memories of her that his head was starting to ache. He couldn't keep them inside that maybe one day or another he'd blow up.

"Oh. Then maybe you should hang out with her. She'll be coming a lot these days." Jinki said before he finished up his soup. Taemin didn't reply.

"I'm not gonna be around always." He added and smiled. Taemin understood. His older brother had just graduated college. _Finally_. And he started working in a children's music school just a few months back(which is a little bit odd for Taemin because he knew Jinki wasn't very fond of kids). Taemin didn't know what his job was exactly but he could hardly care. As long as he was earning money and he was really gonna start an independent life. Taemin envied him a little. He could never be as independent. He was always the dependent one. The one who depends on everyone and everything.

 

"I already charged your phone. In case you wanna go out and eat something, I put some money in your jeans' pocket. If you don't know where to find me and I don't answer my phone, I wrote down Amber's number. She always knows where I am so call her. The water is hot if you want to take a bath. Don't touch the yellow towel 'cause that's mine. Yours is the blue one. I'll be home at 5 and I'm introducing a friend to you so be sure you're home by then as well." Jinki told him as he put on his sneakers and buttoned up his coat. Jinki opened the door and left that he didn't even wait for Taemin to say anything.

 

Taemin sat quietly on the sofa and stared at the TV. He could see his blurred reflection. He would clean the house up but it was already spotless. His things were the only ones making it look so messy. And he was afraid that if he touched an object, everything else would collapse. They thought Jinki was the clumsy one but the truth was that he was more prone to accidents.

 

He wished time would pass quicker. He felt like he had been sitting there for hours but it had only been 15 minutes. He didn't want to watch TV. He didn't want to get too comfortable in that apartment again when he was going to leave again anyway.

 

He called his mom in Japan and told her everything was okay. She asked him if he already wanted to come back but he didn't know what to answer. Somehow he wanted to but there was a small portion of him telling him not to go. Not to leave yet because he needed to be there for some unknown reason. His brain was telling him that the reason was Amber because he wanted to see her more.  _Scratch that thought._  Then he called his other mom in the province and told her he was okay. He basically said the same thing but the difference was that he preferred talking to the latter. Her voice was like the female version of Jinki's. It was so calming. He could fall asleep just listening to her talking voice.

 

"Taem? Are you still listening?"

"I'm always listening to you, mom."

"Really now? When you were younger, you never listened to anything I said." Taemin laughed. His mom was right.

"If it wasn't for your brother."

"Yeah,"

"See you this weekend, my baby." She said sweetly. Taemin nodded like she could actually see him that moment.

"Bye bye, mommy."

 

[Autumn 2008]

Taemin and Jinki had just gone back home from school. Amber didn't come with because she had other things to do but she'd come later that night. Taemin was a bit surprised when he opened the door and saw his parents with two strangers, a couple, that had the same age as his parents. He embraced his parents before he let them in and called his brother.

 

They all sat down on the sofa. Jinki and Taemin were sitting on the chairs they took from the kitchen. Taemin had never been so confused in his entire life when he heard what his parents said. "We're not your real parents, Taemin." Those words didn't make sense to him. "These are your biological parents, these are your real mom and dad." Taemin creased his forehead and tilted his head when his dad told him that. He looked at his brother beside him. His eyes were wide open. It looked like he was just as surprised as him. So Jinki obviously didn't know about it either.

 

"But that's impossible. You two are my parents. Jinki hyung is my brother." Taemin didn't want to believe it. He would never believe or accept what they were saying.

"Right, hyung? You're my brother, right?" Taemin put his hand on Jinki's lap. Jinki nodded as he placed his hand over his. He didn't want to believe them either.

"Taemin, son—"

"No! I'm not your son! You're not my parents. Mom, dad, please." Taemin begged with his eyes so desperate. But they just shook their heads. Mrs Lee looked away and closed her eyes. She couldn't look straight at Taemin, neither at Jinki who was already furious. He just couldn't believe that his parents would lie to them like that.

 

Taemin rushed to the door. He wanted to escape because he just couldn't take more than what they already said. When he opened the door, Amber was there. He embraced her that caught her off guard. Something was wrong and she knew it. She thought he had a row with Jinki but later she found out it was worse than that. Jinki asked Amber to take him away for a moment. He said he needed some time alone with his parents and apparently Taemin's biological parents. Taemin actually didn't mind to be with Amber that moment. He needed some fresh air and he didn't want to deal with the unwanted truth.

 

After two hours, the two finally came back.  _They_  were still there but were already on their way out.

 

"We'll come back tomorrow, Taem—" the  _woman_  slightly touched Taemin's arm but he immediately pulled away. He coldly looked at her before he looked at the woman that he would never ever stop calling "mom". He ran to her and hugged her. There was no way he was gonna lose her. And then he turned to the only dad he knew and embraced him as well. He was doing everything on purpose. He wanted to show the two strangers that he only had one mom and one dad and a brother. He's a Lee, not whatever family name that couple had.

 

Jinki sat Taemin down. Amber was just beside Taemin holding his hand and not leaving his side. Jinki explained everything. How everything started when Taemin was born. His real parents, the Yoons, were so poor that they couldn't even feed him or dress him up. They couldn't even register his name. Mrs Yoon knew Mrs Lee from long ago and she knew they were a bit well off. She also knew she was very nice and generous so she asked for them to take Taemin into their family. Of course, the couple was hesitant. They already had Jinki, who was only four at that time. And they didn't really plan on having  _another_ child. But when Jinki saw Taemin that day, in his carriage, ah, how his face lit up. He kept playing with the baby, he kept doing peek-a-boo and the baby would smile and laugh so brightly. But what Jinki liked the most was when he'd extend his point finger to Taemin and he would grab it and wouldn't let it go. The sight was just so beautiful. However Mr and Mrs Lee only agreed when Jinki said "I really, really like him," then he asked "can we please keep him?". They all thought that the two were meant to be brothers even if they didn't have the same genes or DNA.

 

Mr and Mrs Yoon left for Japan a week later to work there and Taemin, well, he stayed with the Lee family. Both Jinki and Taemin didn't know that they weren't real brothers since they were so young when it all happened. Jinki's parents were planning to tell them the truth but there was no sign of the Yoons. They said they'd come back and get Taemin  _soon_  but they never did. They never contacted them. So two years later, they finally registered Taemin as a Lee. But after almost 15 years, after earning enough money, they then suddenly decided to come back and get their son. They were planning to take Taemin with them to Japan.

 

"No." Taemin said firmly, his free hand forming a fist.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you, hyung. I'm not leaving Amber noona. I'm not leaving mom and dad. Never." He was persistent.

"I won't let them take you, Taem." Jinki was already crying. He was wiping his tears with his sleeve. Taemin wanted to cry too but he couldn't. He knew Jinki would cry harder if he did. So he just let go of Amber and embraced his brother letting him cry in his arms. He knew Jinki was feeling all mixed up inside. He knew he was sad and mad inside. Because everything was just wrong. They were living a perfect life. Why did it have to turn out that way?

 

///

 

Taemin decided to go out because he was getting too bored there.

 

It was raining.

 

He hated autumn. He couldn't understand why the trees have to lose all their leaves and the flowers to disappear. Then it was always raining. He honestly preferred seeing the sun. He hated dark days because darkness always made him feel down. Dark days reminded him of sad days. The things he wanted to forget just kept coming into his mind.

 

He came back to the apartment after an hour because he couldn't take the rain anymore. He could just go out when the sun was out as well. But that day was just not his day.

 

When he got back to the apartment though, there was someone else there. He assumed it was his brother but he was wrong. He entered the kitchen and found Amber washing the dishes from that morning. There was a pot on the hub so he believed she was cooking something.  _Odd_.

 

"Bad day we're having," Amber stated as she turned herself around to face him. Taemin didn't want her to notice him but he wasn't that careful coming in.

"Tomorrow will be a good day to go out." She said when she couldn't wait for him to talk. She didn't want to appear jumpy but she was. She couldn't help it.

 

But still he didn't speak. He just eyed her without even realizing it. He was just trying to memorize her face again. Because somehow it had changed but at the same time it hadn't. There was something different but it still gave him the same feeling. Looking at her face still felt the same. He still felt like he was slowly dying inside but it was okay because, at least, he'd die looking at her.

 

"Lunch will be ready in a moment so why don't you take a seat?" She said before she turned to the sink again and he followed.

 

Amber was the only one talking again. Taemin never replied to any of her questions. He just focused on his food. Well, he was actually listening to her talking voice. He had not heard her voice for seven years. He thought that hearing her voice in his dreams didn't count. Her Korean had improved. A lot. But she still had a funny pronunciation. Taemin stopped himself from laughing. He didn't want her to think that they were okay. He just couldn't be okay again like before. Everything had changed.

 

"Oppa's gonna bring Jonghyun oppa today, isn't he?"

"Jonghyun?" Taemin snapped out when he heard the unfamiliar name.

"Yes. Jonghyun. Jinki oppa's, uh, friend. Great friend." Amber didn't know how to describe him, frankly.

"They have the cutest story, you should hear it from them." Amber added before she took a sip from her glass of water.

"How can a story of two guys' friendship be cute?" Taemin murmured. He was acting all rude to her. He couldn't show his childish side like in the past. The past is over. And the child, he once was, was long gone.

"You're gonna like Jonghyun oppa. He's really nice." Amber just said before she started eating again. She just thought that maybe Taemin already had enough of her that day. That maybe Taemin was already tired of hearing her talk so she stopped. She could just restart the next day.

 

Taemin sat on the couch with one leg over the other and played games on his phone. Amber was doing all the house chores. She was vacuuming the floor, she was wiping the shelves and tables. Taemin tried not to care but he thought that she shouldn't be doing that since it wasn't even her apartment. Why was she even there in the first place? Nothing was really making sense to him. Everything was just confusing.

 

"Are you Jinki hyung's housecleaner?" He just had to ask. She chuckled covering her mouth with the back of her hand. She still had that mannerism. Taemin hated seeing her doing that. It was bringing back the past again.

"Oppa still helps me with uni stuffs. This is just how I pay him back." She explained. She really wanted to ask if he really didn't remember her. But she was scared that it might annoy him. She already thought that she herself was annoying so she tried her best not to be one. She couldn't be one because she had already caused him too much trouble in the past, she didn't know that she was still a huge trouble for Taemin even in the present.

 

<<<

 

"Can't we just tell him?"

"No, Jjong. Not yet."

"Why not?"

"Enough questions. Let's go in."

 

Taemin heard Jinki's voice from the other side of the door, and another of a stranger's. He suspected it was Jonghyun. He stood up from the couch when the two entered. Amber rushed out of the kitchen and welcomed them home. She hugged Jonghyun. It looked like they were good friends as well. After some exchange of greetings, the three of them walked towards Taemin. He didn't know whether he should smile or keep a straight face. In the end, his expression remained in between of a smile and a straight face. 

 

"Taem, I'd like you to meet my friend—" Jinki started smiling from ear to ear as he glanced a little at Jonghyun.

"Awesome friend." Jonghyun whispered but everyone heard him.

"Yeah, awesome friend, Kim Jonghyun." Jinki was still smiling. Taemin found it odd. Why was his hyung all happy? Taemin stared at him from head to toe. He realized he was the guy from the photo he saw the day before. He was an inch or two shorter than Jinki. He was like a real bad boy. He dressed all cool with his ripped jeans and his black Metallica shirt unlike Jinki who always dressed up casually in any occasion. And his hair, it was in between black and gray or blue that he couldn't understand.  _What is so special about this Jonghyun?_  


"Well, he's my brother, Taemin."

"Nice to meet you, Taemin. I've heard a lot about you." Jonghyun bowed with a huge smile on his face, all his white teeth showing, like he was really pleased to meet Taemin.

"That's odd. Hyung never told me anything about you." Taemin didn't mean to sound rude but that was just how his tone turned out and he was only telling the truth. Both Jinki's and Jonghyun's smiles, even Amber's, faded. Somehow he hated himself for saying that. They were all so contented but he ruined their happiness.

"Why don't we watch a film? I bought a DVD!" Amber saved him.

"Set up the film, Amber. Jjong and I will prepare the snacks and popcorn."

 

Taemin threw himself on the couch again. What was he going to do? He just made everything awkward. For once, he saw his brother having a genuine smile, but he just had to destroy everything. He messed up. He thought of apologizing. But maybe when Amber wasn't around anymore because he really couldn't show her his nice side. He wanted her to think that his mean and ill-mannered. He wanted her to think that he had changed all because of her.

 

The four of them watched this action film starring Won Bin. Apparently, it was Amber's favorite because she had a crush on Won Bin. Taemin was sitting on the side his eyes only focused on the screen while the three weren't even watching. They were just chatting, laughing. Taemin watched them from the side of his eyes. Jinki was beside him and at Jinki's other side was Jonghyun. Amber was sitting on the floor and just kept looking up at the two as she talked to them. He felt invisible. But he thought it was better that way. He shouldn't even try talking since he might mess up again.

 

"He freaking left me alone in Jeju."

"Well, yeah, Taem came home after seven years. Seven years, Jjong!"

"Don't be jealous, Jjong oppa. Taemin is his brother."

 

And they were even talking about him as if he wasn't there.  _Idiots_. He rolled his eyes before he stood up and went to the bedroom. There was no more reason for him to "watch" the movie with them. One of those days, he was sure he was gonna give up and would just go back to Japan. He wasn't happy in Japan, he wasn't happy there in Korea. But at least, in Japan, he didn't get to see the people that caused his sadness every single day.

 

<<<

 

He woke up at 10 PM. He was hungry. He must've fallen asleep thinking of the things that were making him feel bad for himself. He rubbed his eyes. Silence was surrounding the whole bedroom. He could hear murmurs from outside though. Jinki still had a company. He couldn't hear Amber's voice anymore so it wasn't Amber. It was a man's voice so he assumed it was Jonghyun.

 

He thought that it was time to apologize so he stretched his legs out before he stood up and slowly and quietly walked out of the room. He halted in the center of the living room when he heard Jinki and Jonghyun talking about him again.

 

"I still think we should tell your brother." Jonghyun started as he wiped the table while Jinki was at the sink.

"He'll find out sooner or later." Jonghyun added that made Jinki sigh.

"I don't wanna shock him... Just... not now, Jjong." Jinki felt Jonghyun's hand on his left shoulder massaging it but he pushed it away

"Look at me, hyung." But Jonghyun just put his hand on his shoulder again and turned him around so then they were facing each other.

 

Jinki's eyes were lonely, like he was about to cry. He was obviously hurting inside. Jonghyun wrapped his arms around him and let his head rest on his shoulder.

 

"I thought Taemin coming back will finally make you happy. Really happy. But why are you becoming like this? Why are you sad again?" Jonghyun asked but Jinki had no answer for him. He just heaved another sigh and closed his eyes as Jonghyun stroked his back.

 

Taemin was being eaten by his guilt. He knew Jinki didn't deserve to be sad. He shouldn't be the reason why Jinki had to suffer. Taemin loved his brother and he would do anything to make him happy even if Jinki did him wrong. He was still his  _brother_. He will always be his brother.

 

"Uhm..." Taemin walked into the kitchen so the two broke away from their embrace. Both looked away. They were even avoiding Taemin's eyes.

"Are you hungry, Taem? I'll just get you a plate and—"

"No. I... I just want to apologize. Uh, Jonghyun  _hyung_ , I'm really sorry for acting a little rude earlier. I was just tired." Taemin went straight to the point. Jonghyun patted the side of his arms and just gave him a half smile.

"It's alright, Taemin. I hope we can be good friends in the future."

"Yeah,"

"Well, I'm going. It was nice meeting you again, Taemin. See you tomorrow, Jinki hyung." Jonghyun strolled to the door while Jinki followed him. He put on his coat and sneakers and waved at the Lee brothers before he went off.

 

Taemin ate dinner while Jinki just sat and watched him while leaning his head on the table. Taemin couldn't eat comfortably though having his brother watching. Things had turned really awkward between them. But neither of them wanted it to be that way. Both wanted to mend everything, whatever there was to mend. Taemin missed his brother, the way he remembered him. He missed their banter and sweet actions towards each other.

 

"Hyung,"

"Yes, Taem?" Jinki raised his head.

"You and Jonghyun hyung. Do you work together or...?" Taemin was actually trying to start a conversation.

"No. I'm... Well, he is in a band and I'm the band manager." Jinki confessed and so Taemin's mouth formed an O. He needed to ask more questions to his brother because, clearly, he didn't know that much about him.

"I teach kids till 3 and I'm a band manager for the rest of the day." Jinki added some extra explanation for his little brother.

"Where did you meet Jonghyun then?" Taemin was more curious about Jonghyun. Well, he had to know more about him and how he became so important to Jinki.

"University and the army. He was just and still is always there. Always." Jinki recalled all the saddest and hardest days but Jonghyun never left his side. He was really grateful to him. And Taemin was too because at least his brother wasn't alone when he was away.

"I'll thank him next time for that." Taemin said half-jokingly. Jinki chuckled and sighed in relief. Taemin was really trying. He just hoped it would continue that way.


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, i didn't have time to update this story here OTL so here it is!

  
_Amber was right_. Taemin thought when he went out for a walk the next day to keep his legs moving. The sun was shining so brightly. He remembered Amber saying that it would be a great day to go out. He kept in mind everything that she said.

 

When he was about to stroll though, he immediately saw Amber coming his way. He could just ignore her, he could just walk and pretend he didn't notice her but no. He actually said "hi" that made Amber smile brighter than the sun that it was blinding him. He couldn't understand why he did that. He thought that maybe the sun was making him act kind or maybe it was because of his early morning chat with Jinki that was even better than last night's.

 

"Walking to Han river?" Amber inquired and he simply nodded in response.

"Can I go with?" Amber raised her eyebrows and he nodded in response again.

 

Amber was smiling throughout their stroll even if they weren't talking. She was just too happy to be with Taemin peacefully. Taemin could see that. And he knew he was the reason behind her smile. He didn't want it to go. He could just see her smile till the day he dies.

 

They sat on the cold concrete ground and stared at the flowing river. There were only few people and they liked it that way. It just felt calmer. And the atmosphere. It was perfect.

 

"Don't you have classes?" Taemin suddenly remembered that Amber was still studying. He was too in some way.

"I finished at midday today so..." Amber replied and threw her head backward closing her eyes and letting the cold autumn breeze touch her face. Taemin just watched her. He was still fascinated by everything she did. And he just found her beautiful from that angle. Well, from any angle, at least, for him. He straightened his legs and started massaging them before he could get too drawn to Amber. He shouldn't be feeling that way again. Not towards her.

 

Amber opened her eyes and they easily landed on Taemin's action. She worried. Her eyes were getting teary but she rubbed them before he could even see them.

 

"Are your legs hurting?" She worriedly asked still rubbing her eyes. Taemin stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

"No. It just became a habit, massaging them and all." He lied. He didn't want her to worry. He could see she was worried from the way she furrowed her eyebrows.  _She doesn't know. She doesn't have to know._  


 

Taemin wanted to ask her so many things. He wanted to know more about her and what she had done or what she had been doing for the past seven years. He wanted to know if she was alright or if she suffered a lot when he left. But he couldn't ask. Because he was afraid that she might have lived a wonderful life when he was away. That she and Jinki didn't feel guilty for breaking his heart.

 

"Wanna wander around the area a little more?" Amber invited him turning her head to face him.

"Yeah, sure." Taemin quickly stood up and dusted the back of his pants.

"Help me up?" Amber reached out for his hands. Taemin was hesitant. He didn't want to have any contact with any part of her because he was sure he'd be electrified with her touch. But he extended his hands out and let her grab them. Taemin pulled her up, their bodies almost touching but there were their hands in between. Taemin's eyes landed on hers and he couldn't seem to look away. Her eyes were pulling him in. He could see his own end through her eyes. He was drowning in them. He couldn't breathe.

 

He let go of her hands and turned around. He caught his breath and started walking. Amber caught up with him. She was completely clueless of how she was affecting him. She was just so happy to be with him.

 

She pointed out all the places they used to go to. She told him the changes and the new things to see telling him they could go there together some other day. But Taemin wasn't looking around. He was just watching her odd shaped mouth move. Her lips that were peachy. He could kiss them again if he wanted to.

 

[Autumn 2008]

Taemin was leaving for Japan in a few days. He eventually agreed to come with his biological parents to Japan. Mr and Mrs Lee convinced him telling him that they wouldn't stop calling him there and that he could come back to them whenever he felt like it. Telling him that he would always be their son, he'd always be Jinki's brother. He just needed to get to know his real parents a little more. They deserved to have their son back. He wasn't theirs to keep in the first place.

 

Jinki never spoke about it. He stopped talking to his own parents. He was still very mad because his opinion wasn't taken into consideration. They didn't even let him speak.

 

Taemin invited Amber to go out. Out like a date. She didn't hesitate. She wanted to make Taemin happy before he leaves. And also because she honestly wanted to. They just took a walk in the shopping district, bought some hot coffee to warm them up in that cold weather. They chatted too, both avoiding the Taemin's departure topic.

 

Taemin then brought her to the park to relax. There were only few people walking around that's why it was very peaceful there. All that was heard was the chirping of birds and their laughter. Taemin was laughing at Amber and her broken Korean. He told her that when he comes back, he'd expect a better Korean from her.

 

"I'm not gonna call you." He uttered like a whisper but Amber clearly heard him.

"I'll send you letters every week if I could. And you have to reply with a letter too." Taemin looked at her and smiled sheepishly.

"Why? Emails exist." Amber didn't get why he had to complicate everything but she actually found that idea cute.

"That makes it too easy. I'm very old fashion, you know." He proudly said.

"Okay, okay." She chuckled.

 

There was a moment of silence. Taemin ran out of words to say. She, too. Taemin looked around. There were no other people aside from them. So he took that chance and kissed her. Just a two second quick peck on her lips.  _He watches too many kdramas._  Amber thought and chuckled.

 

"You're mine, noona, okay?" Taemin said after clearing his throat. Amber nodded and kissed his cold cheek to assure him. He didn't have to worry, really. Because he had took her heart since day one.

 

///

 

"I'm boring, aren't I?" Amber asked when she realized he wasn't listening.

"Huh? No. I'm just recalling some old places." Taemin shook his head and looked away pretending to be looking at the buildings and shops. Amber just nodded.

"Maybe, we should go home. Are you tired?" Amber tugged him a little. Taemin glanced at her. _Why do they always ask that?_  


"I'm hungry. Let's just eat." Taemin said and walked ahead trying to find the restaurant they used to go to. He didn't want to go home yet. He wasn't tired yet. Amber just followed him.

 

So they ate ordering the same things they used to order. He was still the same. He still adored rice. She noticed. And she, she still ate so carefully, so delicately. He noticed. Taemin smiled for a second afraid that she might caught him smiling. He still found her adorable. Everything she did was just so adorable in his eyes. He then shook his head a little. He needed to keep his thoughts of her out of his head. He knew it would only lead him to no good.

 

"So," Taemin started actually trying to converse as he fidgeted with his chopsticks. Amber raised her head a little.

"Is Jinki hyung dating someone right now?" He asked. He remembered waking up earlier and heard his brother talking sweetly on the phone with someone so he assumed he was talking to his girlfriend. Amber stopped eating and chewed slowly as she straightened up her back. She blinked but didn't say anything. She seemed like she was thinking of what to answer.

"I'm guessing your silence means yes." Taemin leaned against the backrest and raised his eyebrows putting down his chopsticks.

"Maybe," Amber mumbled before she started eating again.

"Is she pretty?"

"Huh?" But she stopped again. She guessed he wasn't just stopping there.

"Is his girlfriend pretty?" Taemin repeated. Amber bit her lower lip. She was thinking again looking upward at the ceiling.

"She's not pretty?" Taemin furrowed his brows. Amber's silence was confusing him.

"It's not—you should ask Jinki oppa about it, not me."

"But he doesn't tell me anything."

"Wait a little more and he'll open up to you." Amber looked at her food and started eating again. This time, Taemin didn't ask anymore questions.

 

Taemin couldn't understand why she couldn't answer his simple questions. He wasn't looking for an explanation or anything. They were only simple yes or no questions. Then he thought that maybe she still felt something for Jinki. That maybe she still wasn't comfortable with Jinki dating someone else. His heart ached a little with that thought. The girl he loved had someone else in her mind and the worst thing was it was his brother.

 

"Did you have a girlfriend in Japan?" Amber asked that kind of surprised Taemin.  _Is she stupid or something?_  He asked himself and snorted. Amber heard him and looked at him.

"No, I didn't." Taemin answered before he drank up his water. He was stopping himself from laughing. He didn't want to laugh because it was funny, he just really thought she was foolish when he was sure that even she knew he wouldn't dare look at other girls because he only had his eyes on her since the first day they met.

 

"And you?" Taemin didn't want to be the topic so he turned around the situation.

"After Jinki hyung, did you date some other boys?"

"There was no other guy that saw me the way you did." Amber whispered. Taemin leaned forward trying to catch what she just said but he didn't hear anything.

"No," she slightly shook his head and he just said "ah" in response.

 

They finished up eating and finally decided to go home. When they were just a few meters away from the apartment building, someone Taemin didn't expect was waiting for them, well, for him.

 

"Taemin oppa!" the girl waved and ran towards him before she wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a peck on the lips.

"Jung Soojung!" He exclaimed right after what happened. It wasn't a pleasure for him. It was more like a worry. He was worried that Amber might think that he lied about not having a girlfriend. He was worried that Amber might think that he had already found someone to replace her. He looked at Amber who was beside him standing still.

 

"I actually went upstairs and buzzed the doorbell but no one was opening the door so I assumed you were out." Soojung talked while they went up the stairs to the flat. Taemin and Amber were both quiet. Amber was obviously not at ease. Taemin could tell from her looking down at her feet as she took some steps and her hands were fiddling the side of her loose shirt. Taemin just sighed knowing that he couldn't do anything about it. About Amber. About Soojung.

 

"I'll prepare something for you," Amber uttered and went straight to the kitchen. She didn't know how to act with Soojung around so she'd rather separate herself from them.

 

Taemin dragged Soojung in the bedroom. He shut the door to make sure Amber wouldn't hear them talk. He angrily looked at Soojung searching for explanation for the ridiculous scene she just made earlier. Soojung was smirking. As if she didn't feel bad for what she did. Taemin just continuously stared at her with his furious eyes till Soojung finally got that she needed to speak up.

 

"That was Amber, right? I just did what I thought was right." Soojung stated whispering everything. She, too, didn't want to be heard by Amber.

"That wasn't right."

"Yes, it was.  _God_ , oppa. Did you already forget what she did to you?" Soojung frustratingly questioned him. She rolled her eyes and hissed.

"But it doesn't matter. I—" Taemin paused and closed his eyes tightly. He was afraid to say it but he had to.

"I—I still like her." Taemin mouthed that made Soojung chugged and laughed sarcastically before she sat on the edge of the bed and looked straight at Taemin's eyes with both disbelief and disappointment.

"You're making a fool out of yourself again, oppa. You'll get hurt ag—"

"I don't care." Taemin didn't even let her finish.

"I flew all the way here from Japan for you." Soojung sounded so desperate that Taemin actually felt sorry for her. She was a great friend. But that was what she was for him. A friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

"You just don't really care about me, do you?" Soojung quickly stood up and grabbed her handbag.

"I do care about you!" Taemin took a tight grip on her forearm and stopped her from walking out. She wasn't looking at him. She knew she already looked stupid just being there in the first place.

"Just, give me your number. I'll call you." Taemin couldn't really talk much that moment since Amber was there.

"I already have your number. I'll call you later." Soojung grabbed the door knob and turned it. She took one last rude look at Amber before she walked to the front door. Amber watched her leave the apartment and slam the door shut. She didn't mind Soojung's ill mannered actions towards her. She was expecting it.

 

She knocked on the bedroom door before she opened it and searched for Taemin. He was sitting on his bed with his back against the wall and his head tilting backward. He looked at Amber. He could see from her eyes that she was worried. Taemin lightly smiled. He didn't know how to explain everything to her so he just offered a smile that meant she needed not worry. She nodded and smiled back. But it was obvious she was just faking it.

 

"I'm... I'm going." Amber said as she slowly closed the door.

"She's not my girlfriend." Taemin said in his defense. Amber halted at the door and listened.

"She just thinks she is but she's not." Taemin continued and so Amber smiled once again. She didn't know why he had to explain himself to her but she knew he actually cared about what she thought and that he didn't want her to get jealous over nothing.

"Okay," she waved at him before she closed the door behind her.

 

She didn't care about the kiss anymore. Yeah, it bothered her a little but it didn't matter anymore. Taemin said he wasn't dating Soojung and she had faith in Taemin's words and actions.

 

Jinki arrived home at 7. It was quiet. Amber had already told him everything. About her day out with Taemin, about the girl named Soojung from Japan who she was sure would come back one of those days, and about Taemin asking her about Jinki's love life. Jinki knew she didn't tell him anything. He could trust her on that. "He wouldn't stop asking unless you tell him." Jinki remembered Amber's words. He knew that but he wasn't ready to tell everything to his little brother yet. He wanted to wait. He didn't want to rush things. And he wanted Taemin to open up first. He wanted Taemin to tell him everything—his pain, his anger, his joy. All the emotions he felt when he was away.

 

"Knock, knock." Jinki said as he opened the bedroom door. He sat beside Taemin on the bed who was practically doing nothing. He was just thinking the whole time. He didn't even notice the time flying by. Jinki didn't speak. He waited for his brother to talk. They stayed quiet for another minute before Taemin stated "I'm hungry," and Jinki messed up his already messy hair. Jinki brought him some food he ordered out and soon the two of them were eating.

 

"So who's that girl that came by earlier?" Jinki inquired that made Taemin pout.

"She told you, didn't she?" Taemin didn't want to mention her name aloud. He just couldn't. Not yet. He was embarrassed in some way. But he was sure that he could say "Amber noona" again soon. So soon that he could almost open his mouth and shout it out. Jinki laughed. He's such a baby.

"Well?"

"Her parents were friends with mine. She just helped me adjust in Japan." Taemin lazily explained. He couldn't understand why he had to explain though.

"She's not your girlfrie—"

"No!" Taemin was really being too defensive. He looked away avoiding his brother's eyes. Maybe he was overreacting but he just didn't want everyone to think that Soojung was his girlfriend.

"I believe you."

 

"When are you going to introduce your girlfriend?" Taemin changed their topic. He thought that maybe if he asked himself, Jinki would finally tell him about her. However, Jinki had a moment of thought too, just like Amber. He just stared at his food as he fiddled with it with his spoon. Taemin seriously couldn't understand what the fuss was about it. He couldn't understand why they couldn't give him a simple answer.  _Is he dating a celebrity or something?_  


"You introduced Jonghyun hyung first before your girlfriend." He added. He knew he was being irritating but he just really wanted to know. He had the rights to know. He was Jinki's brother and they never kept secrets to each other. Then he thought he was keeping a secret himself so, they were quits. So he stopped asking after that. And like Amber said, maybe Jinki needed some time like he did. He still needed some time too.


	5. 5

Another day passed by. He missed Amber. She didn't come by the day before, probably because she was just busy with uni stuff or maybe because she was still bothered because of Soojung. Whatever her reason was, Taemin didn't care. He just wanted to see her. A day without her just felt like a decade had just gone by. He just wanted to be with her always because he knew he'd leave again sooner or later. If he could just take her with him. If he could just put her in his suitcase.

 

He was with Soojung the whole day yesterday, but Amber was the only thing on his mind. Soojung could tell. She wasn't stupid. But she was willing to look and act stupid for Taemin. She liked him so much. No. She loved him. She'd do anything to get his heart. She knew she'd have a hard time doing it since they were in Korea, where the one who owned Taemin's heart was. But she had no plan on giving up. She'd try until she succeeds even if it meant hurting other people, hurting herself. Anything and everything just for Taemin.

 

Taemin rushed to the door when he heard the doorbell ring. It was Amber. He smiled looking at the screen beside the door, looking at Amber who was impatiently waiting for someone to open the door. He could see how agitated she was. She wouldn't stop swaying as she fiddled with her hands on her stomach. Taemin waited for another second before he finally opened it.

 

"Amber noona," He muttered mindlessly, his smile still on his face. Amber blinked a few times before she smiled back, a smile so wide once again. She felt her heart melt when she heard him say her name after so many years.

 

He made way for her and she stepped in, removing her sneakers and putting on a pair of warm slippers. Taemin didn't bother asking why she was there because, honestly, he was just happy that she came.

 

They sat down on the sofa and gazed at each other. They were drowning in each other's eyes. Taemin hated it. No. He loved it. He loved the feeling of drowning. He may feel like he was under water, just going deeper and deeper, but he could breathe. She was making him breathe. Her eyes, her stare was his oxygen.

 

"Have you—have you got plans for today?" Amber closed her eyes a little before looking at him again. Her heart was raising. She couldn't control it.

"Not until 6 PM. I'm going to Gyeonggi." Taemin answered although he knew she already knew about it.

"Why?" He asked before he bit his lower lip. He was nervous, he could chew on it again but he stopped himself because of Amber.

"I wanna take you  _somewhere_." Amber shyly grinned rubbing the back of her neck and looking down at the floor. Taemin was too drawn to her gestures that he almost missed what she said.

"Oh, okay. I'll come with. I'll just change." He got up from the sofa and went to the bedroom to change his clothes. Amber waited, this time, patiently. She was smiling to herself. She was really excited to go out and bring him to a really special place.

 

"Let's go?" Taemin raised his eyebrows and she nodded following him out of the flat.

 

"Busy day yesterday?" Taemin asked her as they got on the bus. Amber inclined her head a little to look at him. She was smiling again. Taemin could be so obvious at times. Well, always. She knew with his question, he was expecting her to come yesterday. She knew he wanted to see her.

"A little. Why? Did you miss me?" She asked as they sat down. She wasn't teasing him or anything. She really meant asking him that.

"Huh?"

“I'm kidding.” Amber muttered and timidly grinned as she looked out of the bus window.  
“Yeah,” Taemin whispered looking out as well. Amber's smile became like the beam of light from the sun. Taemin could see it from the side of his eyes that's why he smiled too. The widest smile he had ever had. He had not smiled like that for years and he was thankful she was the reason behind that.

They stayed silent for the next ten minutes until it was time to get off the bus. But it was fine, really. They were comfortable within that silence. It didn't feel strange or awkward. It felt good. It felt nice. They had not felt that way for a long time.

“You ready?” Amber glanced at him before she grabbed his forearm and started dragging him to somewhere she knew meant so much to him.

Taemin tried pulling away when they reached their destination. But Amber was strong and just kept holding onto him. They were in front of the dance studio. She pulled him inside, into a room that was so familiar. They stood at the very center of the room. Nothing had changed. Amber smiled and let Taemin remember every single inch of the room. She then sneaked to the back and placed her phone on the loudspeaker. Taemin almost jumped when the music suddenly started playing. Now, he was scared. Amber walked towards him with a crooked smile.

“I—I don't dance.” He said shaking his head and waving his hands in front of him so Amber wouldn't get near him.  
“That's impossible. You're our dancing machine, Lee Taemin.” Amber didn't believe him.  
“I just—I stopped. I had no time when I was in Japan.” Taemin stated with his voice already trembling. It worried Amber a little. But she shook her head thinking that she could convince him.  
“There's no way you've forgotten how to dance.” Amber clutched his arms.  
“If you did, then I'll remind you how you did it.” Amber started wiggling their arms together like how she did it in the past but it didn't make Taemin laugh. He was just feeling sick. Amber noticed that he wasn't making an effort on moving. So she stopped and furrowed her brows as she stared at his eyes.  
“Wanna dance slower?” Amber pulled him a little closer. Close enough to make him shake inside and out. But Amber just continued swaying their bodies together. It didn't make him feel any better. He felt awful. He felt his legs wobbling like they could break down any moment. He pulled away harshly from her. He stepped backward before he ran out of the room, out of the building.

He ran till he was far off from the building, far off from her. He panted as he bended forward and put his hands on his knees. He closed his eyes when he felt his legs aching. They were hurting so much. He gritted his teeth hoping that the throbbing would stop. It did. He just felt numb. He couldn't feel his legs again. He couldn't move them again.

[December 2009]  
Taemin dialed Jinki's number. He was walking down the busy and white street of Tokyo on his way home that night. The streetlights lit up the roads and shops and the snow was falling. It was really beautiful, he thought. But he still hoped to go home soon.

“Hyung!” He exclaimed when Jinki finally answered.  
“How are you? I haven't talked to you for a week. Do you have some news for me?” He asked as he rubbed his arm with his free hand. He was freezing.  
“Same old, same old.” Jinki simply replied.  
“And Amber noona? How is she? Are you taking good care of her?”  
“Yeah,” Taemin could tell there was something off with the way Jinki spoke.

“Please, tell her to reply to my letters. She never replies and—“  
“Taem, about Amber,” Jinki started.  
“Is she alright?” Taeming anxiously asked. He was scared that something bad might have happened to her.  
“Yes, Taem. She's more than okay. It's just that I—“ There was hesitation in Jinki's voice. Taemin could feel it but he just waited for his brother to finish whatever he was trying to say.  
“Amber and I—we... we're together. We are... we are dating.” Jinki confessed and Taemin, he froze. His jaw dropped. He was in awe.  
“Stop joking—“  
“I'm not joking. We've been dating for six months now.”  
“What?” Taemin snorted and smirked. He couldn't believe everything that Jinki was saying.  
“Were you just waiting for me to leave so you can finally steal her from me? Is that it, hyung? Unbelievable.” He rolled his eyes. He was now mad. Furious. If only Jinki was right in front of him, he had already punched his own brother by then.

“She never liked you, Taemin. And... and we've always liked each other. Sorry.” Jinki hung up.

Taemin snorted again. He started walking. Fast as if he was in a hurry. He didn't even care if he was pushing people off his way or bumping into them. But a guy, probably a couple of years older than him, didn't let his rude action pass that he started pushing Taemin's chest. Taemin did the same. He fought back. It wasn't like him but he just wanted to let his anger out. It wasn't just pushing anymore. The guy punched him in the face. He punched back. The guy cussed before he pushed Taemin really hard that Taemin fell on the middle of the road. He felt the cold concrete on his bare palms. He stood up and heard  an irritating beep. Then there was a blinding light. He tried to see what it was but he was too late.

He opened his eyes. They landed on the white ceiling. His head ached so he pressed his palm against the side of his head but he felt an odd texture over it. He had a patch on the left side of his head. He looked around. He was in a hospital room. He was sure of it. The room was so white and it felt so empty. It made him feel ill. He wanted to leave that room. He couldn't stay there any longer. He removed the white blanket over him and tried to move his legs. They wouldn't move. He couldn't feel them. He hit one leg, he didn't feel any pain. Then he hit the other, he just couldn't feel anything. He panicked. He covered his face with his palms and rubbed it. _What's happening?_

“Mom,” He started like a whisper.  
“Mom! Mom! Dad!” He started shouting. He didn't stop until the door opened and his parents rushed beside him.  
“I can't feel my legs, my feet! Why aren't they moving?!” He was really anxious, fear was eating him alive.  
“Make them move, please. I wanna go home! I wanna go home!” Taemin was jumpy. His dad was holding his clenched fist stopping him from hitting the side of his bed. His mom was stroking his back and telling him to calm down. Telling him that it would be okay. But it wasn't okay. He wasn't okay.  
“We're going home, Taemin.”  
“No! I want to go back to Korea. I want to see my real mom and dad. I want to see my brother. And Amber noona. I want to see them. I don't want to be with you! Mom! Dad! Jinki hyung!” He yelled out before a tear finally fell from his left eye and more followed. He had never cried since he was 6 when chubby Jinki fell off from a tree trying to get Taemin a ripe apple. Taemin shook him but he wasn't opening his eyes nor was he moving. Taemin started crying. He cried so hard calling out his brother's name telling him not to die and that he loved him so much and that he shouldn't leave him that soon. Jinki just embraced his crying brother letting him know he was alive. How Taemin wished Jinki was there to embrace and tranquilize him.

The doctor came in and injected something to him and immediately his panicking stopped and he fell asleep.

After a couple of days, Taemin finally calmed down. He found out what had happened. He was involved in an accident. He got hit by a gray van that night. They thought he was okay, that he only had that small wound on the side of his head and a few bruises on his arms and legs. But when he woke up that day not feeling his legs, they did some more tests and found out that a nerve just under his hip, femoral nerve as how the doctor said it, was damaged but he didn't have to worry much about it because he could walk again. He just had to rest for a few months then go to physical therapy. That was it. They said he was lucky it wasn't _that_ severe.

“Please, tell me, you didn't say anything about this to my family.” Taemin was sitting up on his hospital bed. His mom was preparing his things, putting his clothes in the bag. He was leaving the hospital later.  
“They don't know anything. Don't worry.” Mrs Yoon answered without looking at him.

[September 2010]  
Taemin was seating on the backseat of their car as he waited for his parents to open the door for him. They were in front of the rehabilitation center. He was nervous. He wasn't ready for it. He thought that he would never be ready for it. They helped him sit on his wheelchair. Soojung pushed it for him smiling at him. She had a really reassuring smile but it didn't help him feel okay. Everything was just making him feel so little and so weak. The halls seemed like they were becoming narrower and narrower as they strolled down it. It was suffocating him.

“I can't.” He shook his head. They were asking him to try and stand up but he refused. He was so scared of falling down and humiliating himself.

It wasn't his first time in that place. He had come there a couple of times before and each time, he would just do the same, he would just back out. He would always try to roll the wheels of his wheelchair with his hands so he could run away but he was just powerless when he was sitting on it. Everyone was just stronger than him. So if he couldn't escape, he would start shouting. He wouldn't stop unless he was out of that horrible place.

But it had been over 6 months since the accident and he needed to get cured. He was tired feeling weak and small and tiny. He was tired having no strength. He was tired of sitting around all day on his damn wheelchair. He missed walking.

“Can I have my phone, please?” He looked at his mom and so she looked into her hand bag and searched for Taemin's phone. She immediately handed it to him once she found it.

Taemin gulped before he pressed “Jinki hyung” in his contact list. He put his phone close to his right ear exhorting pressure on it. It was ringing, one, two.

“Taemin-ah.” Taemin heard Jinki's soothing voice. And he was right, it instantly made him feel so much better. His chest didn't feel heavy anymore. He could feel his heart beat slower.  
“Hyung...” he murmured placing his free hand on his lap rubbing it as if he would start feeling again if he did that.  
“I missed you.” He admitted. He had not called Jinki since that day, since the accident. He was just so angry at his brother and thought that he could do well without him. But months without hearing Jinki's voice became harder. One of the other reasons why he felt weaker was because Jinki wasn't around. He knew Jinki couldn't be there but there were ways to feel like he was just beside him. And one of those ways was pushing his pride to the side and calling him. So that's what he did.

“Me, too, Taem,” Jinki was whispering. Taemin could hear soft sobs.  
“I missed you, too, little brother.”After hearing those words from Jinki, Taemin signaled the helper to hold his arms and help him up. He now felt a lot stronger and bigger and braver. He now felt like he could stand up again and that he could do it.  
“Keep talking, hyung. Don't stop. I missed your voice.” He said closing his eyes as the two men readied beside him.

“Taemin, are you doing well there? Do you speak Japanese now? I'm entering the army next week. Ah, come and visit me sometimes, will you? You don't have to worry about me. I still eat a lot. And you? You're not skipping meals, right? Who am I kidding? Lee Taemin skipping meals is like saying a blasphemy. Take good care of your health. Send photos. And please, call me whenever you have a chance.” Jinki was crying. Taemin could tell. He was crying too. He was already up on his feet. He may not be moving but he was able to stand. He was finally able to make his first step forward thanks to his brother. He always found his strength within Jinki.

“I love you, Taemin.” Another series of tears ran down his already damped eyes.  
“I love you too, Jinki hyung.”

///

Taemin didn't want to blame Jinki nor Amber for what happened to him. But his head kept telling him that it was their fault. He wouldn't have became angry that night if they hadn't told him about their relationship. He couldn't understand why they had to break his heart when they could've just kept their relationship a secret since it didn't last anyway. And now he couldn't even dance. He stopped trying. He was afraid that his legs might not be able to take it. That they might break down and hurt. He couldn't let that happen. Years had passed by but sometimes he still felt like his legs were numb, sometimes he still felt like they were aching. Maybe it was just in his head but he just wanted to be sure. He wanted to secure his legs so he never tried doing anything dangerous. He just walked and jogged. But he never danced again. He wouldn't dance again even if it meant that Amber would lose interest in him. _She never liked me anyway._

He was mad at them again—Jinki and Amber. Just when he thought things were getting better. The past just had to ruin everything. The past just had to take away his happiness. Jinki and Amber just had to spoil everything. He loathed them. He hated Jinki, but he hated Amber even more. Because Jinki was different. Jinki was his brother. He'd forever be his brother even if they weren't real brothers. But Amber. She was just a girl from the past. She was the girl who smashed his heart into tiny pieces. She pretended to like him.

He walked to the bus stop once he felt he could move his legs again. He just wanted to go home and prepare himself to go to Gyeonggi. At least he could be at ease there. His parents would surely make him feel better. Jinki wasn't coming with him anyway. He said he was busy. But Taemin knew it wasn't just that. There was something behind his avoidance of going home.

When he was nearing the bus stop, he saw Jinki and Jonghyun coming out of the music store so he halted, far enough for them not to notice him. He watched them as they talked to each other. Jinki had his biggest smile again. The most genuine. What was so special about Jonghyun that he could make Jinki smile so brightly? Then Taemin noticed something else—their hands. He saw Jinki taking Jonghyun's hands and interlocking it with his before he put it in his coat's pocket. He was sure  their hands were linked inside Jinki's pocket. And the distance between them as they started walking—there wasn't any. Their arms were practically attached to each other. _Taemin, you're such an idiot_. He told himself. He now understood why both Amber and Jinki couldn't tell him about Jinki's dating life.

The bus passed by him. He let it pass. He just sat on the bench at the bus stop and waited for the next. Or at least, let everything that he just saw sink in. Not that it bothered him. He just wasn't sure what to think or how to react to it.

Taemin arrived home and Jinki and Jonghyun were in the kitchen laughing their heart out about a song that Jonghyun just wrote. He didn't disturb them. He didn't bother say anything to his brother and just grabbed his backpack in his room and left as fast as he could without getting noticed. He just texted Jinki that he already left half an hour ago.

But Jinki did notice him coming in and walking out. Jinki frowned after reading his text. He thought they were already okay but Taemin still left without telling him. He knew something was wrong so he called Amber. She actually told him about her plan on taking Taemin with her in the dance studio that day so he assumed something happened.

Amber was crying. All she did was sob once she answered Jinki's call. It worried Jinki so he leaned against the counter top before he took Jonghyun's hand and squeezed it as he waited for Amber's explanation. Jonghyun just let him. He knew that was the only way to settle Jinki's thoughts, to put him at ease.

Amber breathed in and out very deeply before she started talking. She just told him the day started out great, that Taemin even called her by her name, a big novelty, a big improvement for her, for them. And she thought bringing Taemin to the dance studio would make him happy but obviously it didn't. She told Jinki about Taemin refusing to dance. She told him about Taemin running off. But she followed him out except that she lost sight of him. She didn't know where to look. She even went to the apartment earlier but he wasn't there. She didn't call Jinki immediately because she didn't want to bother him. Then she started crying again. Jinki squeezed Jonghyun's hand tighter. Just hearing Amber cry made him feel awful.

“It's his legs, oppa. I know it.” Amber said in between sobs.  
“It's my fault. It's my fault.” She said in repeat like a broken record.  
”No, Amber. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Believe me, okay?” Jinki said to stop her from crying. But the truth was, he was blaming himself too. They knew about it, about Taemin's accident, about his legs. Everything. His eyes were already teary.

After that phone call, he quickly contacted Taemin. Surprisingly, he answered.

“Taemin, where are you? Are you already at mom and dad's?” He asked trying so hard not to let Taemin know he was already in the midst of crying.  
“No, I'm still on the bus. I'll just text you when I get there.” Taemin answered as if he didn't have any problem on his shoulders.  
“Okay. Just take care.”  
“I will. Bye.” Taemin hung up and Jinki wailed like a little child into Jonghyun's arms.

“Jinki, please, don't cry. Stop crying. You're hurting me.” Jonghyun whispered as he stroked Jinki's back. Jonghyun could cry too. But he tried to be strong for the man he loved. He could take anything but not Jinki's weeping because it always broke his heart. It's the same as how Amber's tears broke Jinki's heart. Jonghyun had seen him cry too many times that each time it just became even more painful, even much harder to take in.


	6. 6

Taemin apologized to his parents before he left that Monday afternoon. He told them he was really sorry he couldn't take Jinki with him. He told them he didn't try hard enough to convince Jinki to come with. But he promised them he'd definitely make Jinki come next time. His mom told him it didn't matter. They were fine just having him around although they were missing Jinki too.

 

Taemin believed it was his fault why Jinki and his relationship with their parents changed. It was because Jinki still couldn't accept the fact that all those years, they lied to him and Taemin. He couldn't accept the fact that Taemin was just taken away from them by his biological parents without some notice. He couldn't accept the fact that their parents just let those people take away Taemin just like that. They didn't even fight or refuse. They just let them. Jinki was still mad at his own parents even if Taemin told him not to be before he left 7 years ago. Maybe Jinki wasn't as mad as before but still, it wasn't the same anymore. It didn't feel the same anymore.

 

Taemin came home at around 4 and his brother was there, just sitting on the floor at the center table writing some stuffs that were either for the music school or for Jonghyun's band. He didn't really care about it that much. Jinki smiled at him. Taemin could tell it wasn't a real smile. He could tell it wasn't the same smile that Jinki always gave Jonghyun. _What's happening to us, hyung?_

 

He walked towards Jinki and sat on the sofa dropping his bag on the side. He tried to peep at what Jinki was writing. It was a lesson plan of some sort. He didn't really know. When Taemin was about to open his mouth to ask Jinki about whatever he was scribbling, the bathroom door suddenly swung open. It was Jonghyun. He, too, was giving him a fake smile.

 

“How was your weekend, Taemin?” Jonghyun asked him as they man sat down across Jinki.

“Good.” Taemin merely answered and blinked at Jonghyun.

“And your parents? How are they?” Jonghyun asked another question. Obviously, Jonghyun was trying to have a conversation with him so it would be less awkward but it already was. _Why is he even trying?_

“They're fine. Hyung, they were looking for you.” Taemin turned to his brother. Jinki didn't even pause or twitch. He just kept writing. He just hummed in response.

“He'll be joining you next weekend. He was just busy with the band, that's all.” Jonghyun was as if talking for Jinki. Taemin didn't know why Jinki was acting that cold towards him when he was the one who was supposed to be mad. Amber probably told him about the other day.

“Speaking of the band, we have a gig tonight. Wanna watch?” Jonghyun wouldn't stop conversing with him.

“Sure,” Taemin answered that finally made Jinki look at him.

 

“I can bring a friend, right?”

“Of course, you can.”

“I'll just call her.”

 

Taemin grabbed his phone in his pocket and searched for Soojung's number. She was the only friend he got. Sure he had some friends in Korea back in the days but he lost contact with everyone and they probably had their own lives to live.

 

Soojung came by an hour earlier and Taemin was really thankful because finally, he wouldn't have to talk to Jonghyun. He had no problem with Jonghyun. It's just that he knew the man was trying too hard to make things unwieldy and uneasy that he was making it worse.

 

“So when are you going back to Japan?” Soojung asked as she leaned her back against his side, her head tipping over his shoulder. They were sitting on his bed whispering to each other.

“In a month, maybe. I don't want to be here anymore.” Taemin sighed.

“So I was right.”

“You were right.” Taemin didn't want to agree with her but he was defeated. He couldn't do more about it. About anything. He was just bad at everything. There was nothing he was good at anymore.

 

Soojung pressed her palms on the soft bed before leaning towards Taemin, her lips ready to touch his but Taemin turned his head to the side.

 

“No, Soojung, please.”

 

But Soojung felt even more defeated. Taemin might be mad at Amber or at his brother, but his feelings still had not changed. He still loved the two of them in different ways. At least he loved them. While she. She always gave her all but she never got anything in return. It was unfair on her part. Soojung just positioned herself next to him again.

 

She really couldn't understand what Taemin saw in Amber. She saw the girl. She wasn't even _that_ pretty. She didn't even look pretty, she thought. She wasn't even there when Taemin was suffering and in pain during his physical therapy. There was only her, Soojung. But Amber, no, she didn't even come to Japan, not even once to check on Taemin. She didn't even call or text or email. Nothing. So why was Taemin still going crazy over her?

 

“Taemin, let's go.” Jinki said behind the closed door. The two got up and followed the two older men.

 

The venue was crowded. Taemin didn't think that Jonghyun's band was that popular. Taemin looked around. The crowd was composed of girls and boys from 18 to 30, maybe even older, even younger. He and Soojung were standing in the front row and at the very end of the row, he saw Amber. Her eyes were focused on the stage. But he could see they were sad even from afar, he could tell. _She deserves to be sad_. He said in his mind before he looked at the stage where Jonghyun's band was preparing to play. Jinki was at the side of the stage. He was the band manager after all.

 

“Good evening, everyone! Are you ready for the first song?!” Jonghyun asked the crowd and everyone cheered.

“Here we go.” He first glanced at Jinki who smiled when their eyes met before he signaled the drummer to hit the percussion.

 

The band was great. The songs they played were great. Taemin liked them. He partly enjoyed the night, partly not because Amber was there. Then they had to eat together with the whole band and Amber. She was always there. Always around. Taemin hated the fact that she was friends with everybody. Good thing Soojung was there because he had some distractions. He just let her cling onto him through out the night like a leech. That way, Amber wouldn't get near him.

 

“So you're Jinki's brother.” The guitarist started staring at Taemin. The man already had a few drinks.

“You don't look alike.” He said recklessly that silenced Jinki, Jonghyun and Amber.

“We're not real brothers.” Taemin told the truth. There was no reason for him to lie about it or to deny it. It silenced the rest of them.

“But I'll always consider him as my real brother no matter what.” Taemin continued before he turned to Jinki who was obviously touched for what he just heard coming from Taemin.

 

“Ah, Taemin. drink up!” Jonghyun handed me a shot glass.

“Why don't you drink up?” Taemin pushed the shot glass back to him.

“Okay—“

“No!” Jinki grabbed the glass from Jonghyun's hand and drank it in one go.

“He gets drunk easily.” Jinki said glaring at Jonghyun. The other boy only had a mocking expression. The two obviously knew each other too well. They had a secret language, somewhat telepathic, even. Taemin thought. No words were needed to be spoken. Just one look and they understood each other.

 

He didn't know how and why but he just became so interested, so curious about his brother's relationship with Jonghyun. Ever since he found out about it, he just became more aware of their motions towards each other. Taemin thought it was better that way, observing them and all, so he wouldn't be thinking of Amber that much anymore.

 

“Amber will take another shot for me.” Jonghyun poured some more beer in the glass.

“Sure! I can use some of this right now.” Amber said taking a glance at Taemin for a second that she thought he didn't see but he did. _What is she trying to imply?_

 

The whole night went on like that, Jinki and Amber drinking for Jonghyun. But not for too long. Taemin looked at Soojung. She was drunk as hell. He was too focused on everyone else that he didn't realize Soojung had been drinking alone. But she was still so clingy and wouldn't let go of him.

 

“I need to take her home.” He announced.

“I'll drive you.” Jonghyun volunteered. Taemin wanted to refuse but then he thought that Jinki had a few drinks and having him drive wouldn't be safe. And he didn't know how to drive. He never learned and he got no plan on learning. He was afraid because of the accident and all. So he nodded at Jonghyun.

 

Apart from Jonghyun's bandmates, they all went off. Jinki had work the next day and Amber had uni. Amber was stuck with Taemin and Soojung at the backseat. Her head was already aching and she had to suffer even more. She thought that she deserved it. She deserved every single bad thing that was happening to her.

 

“Ah,” Amber massaged the sides of her head. She didn't even drink that much but she was feeling so sick she could vomit. Taemin looked at her. She stopped rubbing her head once she noticed Taemin staring. She didn't want him to worry over nothing.

 

Taemin accompanied Soojung to her friend's house. He took a little while since Soojung was still clinging onto him. When he came back to the car though, he found Jinki beside Amber fanning her with his two hands. There was something wrong. He  went closer and saw Amber sweating with her face so pale. It scared him.

 

“What's happened, hyung?” Taemin asked with his voice quivering.

“She's got a high fever.” Jinki responded as he adjusted Amber's position. He laid her head on his lap and continued fluttering his hands.

“Taemin, get in. Jjong, take us to the flat.” Jinki commanded and the two immediately followed.

 

Jinki carried her on his back up to their apartment and laid her on the sofa while Jonghyun grabbed a towel and a basin with water. Jinki put the damped towel on her forehead and Taemin just stood at the side and watched his brother take care of Amber. Jonghyun stood next to him and put his hand on his shoulder and grinned.

 

“It's just a little fever. Don't worry.”

 

He wasn't worried. How could he worry when the best nurse a.k.a his brother was taking great care of her? Jinki had always taken great care of everyone. He was just jealous. Again. He wanted to do everything for her. Even if he _hated_ her. Even after everything, he wanted to be there for her.

 

Jonghyun left half an hour later. Jinki was still sitting on the edge of the sofa beside Amber, running his fingers through her hair, cupping her face with his other hand. Taemin cringed. He couldn't watch anymore. It was worse than watching those violent and bloody films.

 

“Hyung,” Taemin called out and so Jinki looked at him with curious eyes.

“You should sleep. I'll look after her.”

“But Tae—“

“You've got work tomorrow. Sleep on my bed. Just leave some space for me to sleep on.” Taemin thought of a great excuse. Jinki agreed.

 

Soon, Taemin was left with Amber. He sat on the floor and moved his face close to hers. He then placed his hand on her forehead. She was still hot. He took her left hand and held it. He played with her pretty little fingers. He missed holding her hand. He traced some circles on her palm and then on the back of her hand. She slightly creased her forehead that made Taemin chuckled. She looked so cute even with her obviously weary face.

 

Taemin thought he was going crazy and he was beginning to be even more and more stupid each day. He hated her but he also loved her. He wanted to push her away but he also wanted to keep her close. He wanted her to suffer but he also wanted to see her smile. He wanted to think that she never really liked him but he also wanted to think that she did, she did like him.

 

Taemin fell asleep holding her hand and his head falling onto the edge of the sofa close to where her face was. He, too, was tired. He wasn't the type who would stay up all night when he had a problem. Sleeping everything off was the best solution. He got that from Jinki.

 

Amber opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was Taemin's angelic face. He was just so beautiful that it took her breath away. For a second, she thought she was just dreaming, but when she realized that their hands were linked, her eyes widened.

 

She still had a headache. She was already feeling awful since she woke up that day but she still went to uni. She thought, it was just the stress caused by school stuff but she knew it was also the stress caused by the same boy that was making her feel good. Then she had a few drinks that made her condition worse. She didn't regret it though. Because everything led to where she was and who she was with that moment. She had Taemin beside her. Even if it may only be that night, even if things would go back to normal the next day, even if he'd hate her again. At least, he was there when she needed him.

 

<<< 

 

Taemin woke up from the sound of the shower running. He assumed his brother was already awake. He suddenly felt a grip on his hand and noticed that he was still holding Amber's hand and she was holding it back. She obviously didn't want to let go. Taemin rubbed his eyes a little with his free hand before he touched her forehead again. He was relieved to know that her fever had gone down. Amber then suddenly opened her eyes. Taemin's heart fluttered. Maybe he was just nervous but knew it wasn't just because of that. They both blinked for a few times before Taemin pulled his hands away from her forehead and away from her grip. He got up from the floor and walked to the bedroom.

 

Amber sat up. Only then did she realize she was in the boys' apartment. Of course, Jinki knew she was living alone and no one would watch over her. She stood up and went to the kitchen. She still felt a little weak and her legs were wobbly but she thought she should prepare breakfast for the boys.

 

“No, Amber.” Jinki found her frying some pancakes and bacon. She was preparing an american breakfast like she always did whenever she was there.

“I'll do that. Sit down.” Jinki pulled her away from the hub and pushed her down the seat at the table.

“And Taemin?” He asked her as he took over the cooking.

“He ran off to the bedroom.” Amber laughed and so did Jinki. Taemin may want to hide everything from everyone but he had always worn his feelings and emotions on his sleeves. A simple look in his eyes and everyone could easily tell what he was thinking. Amber saw all the mixed emotions when their eyes met earlier. She saw his relief, his anger, his joy, his love, his fear. They were all there. She wished she could go back to the past and correct all the mistakes she did. She wished she didn't have to hurt him. Then maybe, he'd only have love for her.

 

Taemin joined them for breakfast. He thought that he had all the rights because he partly owned the apartment. He just avoided  looking up at both Jinki and Amber and just had his eyes on his food.

 

Jinki left them ten minutes later. They were muted, hushed. Not that they had nothing to say, au contraire, they had so much, even _too_ much to say to each other. But neither of them had the courage to speak up. Amber wasn't really eating. She didn't have any appetite probably because of her illness so she was just staring at her hand that was holding a fork firmly. Taemin was eating, though. He wouldn't say no to any food even if he would want to eat rice that moment. Amber glanced at him a little. His pancakes were all gone. He just needed to drink his milk then he'd surely lock himself in the bedroom again. So Amber finally decided that she should speak before he could even leave.

 

“Thank you,” she murmured but still clear enough for Taemin to understand. Taemin didn't make any reaction and just grabbed his glass of warm milk.

“,and sorry.” She added that finally made Taemin look at her.

“Sorry for the other day. For whatever I did that upset you, I'm sorry.” She stated but Taemin just smirked as he drank up his milk. He put the empty glass on the table with so much force it could break and got up from his seat turning his back on her.

“Apologizing without knowing exactly what you did wrong. You're quite funny, you know that?” He said with obvious irony before he walked back to the bedroom and slammed the door.

 

“I know what I did, Taemin, and I'm sorry. I really am.” Amber whispered tears already running down her cheeks.

Amber wiped her tears and started clearing up the table. She picked up her things and left in a hurry. She knew she'd feel much more terrible if she stayed there longer.

 

<<< 

 

Jonghyun picked up Jinki from work. They were free that afternoon. No rehearsals, no practices, no gigs. Jonghyun wanted to go out and play but Jinki turned down his request telling him that he just wanted to go home and spend more time with his little brother. He needed to make up for those 7 years and for all the pain he had caused the younger. Jonghyun didn't argue but demanded to go with him. Jinki just let him because he knew his little boyfriend wouldn't leave him alone if he didn't.

 

"Taemin, I'm home." Jinki shouted as he entered the apartment, taking off his coat and putting on his slippers.

"Taemin? Taemin?" Jinki called out but there was no answer so he looked inside the room with Jonghyun peeking behind him. The shorter man grinned slyly when they found the room empty.

"He's probably out for his afternoon walk. Amber said... he... does... what the hell are you smiling about?" Jinki put a hand on his waist when he turned to Jonghyun and saw the cunning look on his face.

"Taemin's not here. That means..." Jonghyun grabbed Jinki's waist with a hand and pulled him close to him.

"Quit it, Jjong." But Jinki was pushing him away then he broke away and walked to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Jonghyun sighed before he followed him there.

"Let's go out. Go to the convenience store. Let's buy your little brother some milk or candies. I don't know." Jonghyun was acting childish and adherent. But Jinki just wanted to be safe. He didn't want to get caught by Taemin. He didn't want him to find out just yet. Jonghyun grabbed his hand and started massaging it but Jinki pulled it away. Jonghyun made a face.

"Taemin might see us. We'll never know when he'll come back from his walk."

"It's okay to act all sweet with Amber but not with me? This is unfair, Jinki hyung." Jonghyun turned his back on him and crossed his arms on his chest. Jinki had been acting, not just cold, but wintry. Jonghyun hated it. As if they were going back to the way they were in the past.

"Are you jealous over Amber? We've gone through this before, Jjong." Jinki said looking at his sulking boyfriend.

"I can't help it! You two had  _something_  before." Jonghyun sounded so frustrated. He didn't want to get mad but he thought there was no other way to convince Jinki. It had always worked before.

"I've told you so many times that I didn't have any story with Amber."

"Yeah, but... ever since your brother..." Jonghyun looked down.

"My brother? Didn't I explain everything a couple of weeks ago? I informed you about it." Jinki sighed.

"Damn it, Jjong. Stop acting so immature. You're not gonna get anywhere." Jinki shook his head with a little sign of disappointment on his face. He poured water into the glass again and drank it in one go. Jonghyun snorted. He was seriously upset now.

"I'm immature? Really, hyung? I'm... I'm leaving. I can't deal with this right now." Jonghyun rolled his eyes before he stood straight and walked out. Jinki didn't follow him. He knew he'd only make things worse if he did.

 

Jonghyun bumped into Taemin when he went out of the apartment building. Taemin could tell he was distraught. Jonghyun just flashed a sad smile at him before he continued walking off.

 

Taemin came home and found his brother watching TV. He seemed a little upset too. So Taemin guessed they fought. Although he didn't know if he should be happy that it wasn't a fistfight.

 

He sat beside him and quietly joined him on watching.

 

"Was Amber feeling better when she left earlier?" Jinki asked without looking at Taemin.

"I don't know." Taemin simply answered without looking at his brother either.

"What do you mean? You were together earlier." Jinki lowered the volume down and looked at him.

"I was in the bedroom when she left. And I already watched over her the whole night. Wasn't that enough?" Taemin was raising his voice. He didn't want to have a row with his brother but he didn't want to talk about Amber so it seemed like they were leading to a fight either way.

"Taemin, she was sick! Why did you let her leave just like that? What if she lost conscious on her way home?" Jinki's words just made Taemin feel guilt. Because his brother was so right that he couldn't even talk over it. He was just tongue-tied.

"You're not a kid anymore. Stop acting like one." Jinki said and got up from the sofa before he grabbed his phone and contacted Amber.  _Ouch_. Taemin felt like his brother just stabbed him with his sharp words.

 

"Hello, Amber? Are you home? Are you lying down? Resting? I'm sorry I had to leave you with Taemin earlier. I really thought he'd—" Jinki paused and angrily looked at Taemin then he shook his head and walked into the bathroom.

 

"Don't be mad at him, oppa." Amber uttered softly.

"Why shouldn't I be? He's going overboard." Jinki leaned against the door and rubbed his head.

"Yeah, but he's just like that because I hurt him." Amber was defending Taemin but Jinki was really against it.

"If he's angry at you, he should be angry at me too. I did him wrong too. Blaming you for everything isn't right. It isn't fair." Jinki was whispering. He didn't want Taemin to hear him though he was sure he was probably listening on the other side.

 

"Why is everyone acting immature today? Uh," Jinki messed up his hair real roughly. Then he breathed in and out very deeply. He needed to calm down.

"You had a fight with Jjong oppa, didn't you?" Amber could tell really easily. From his tone. It wasn't the first time. The two boys had fought a few times and Jinki was always like that. He would always feel bad. He would always regret it. He would always think it was his fault. He would always blame himself.

"He's jealous of you again." He soughed with a little fake chuckle. Amber chuckled for real though. It wasn't the first time either that she was the reason the two quarreled. He laughed too when he heard Amber's laughter. It was just really relaxing. But how could she even laugh when she was having a hard time.

"Yeah? Want me to talk to him?"

"No, it's alright. I can handle that small guy."

 

Jinki felt a lot better. Amber just became his little shelter after Taemin left. He poured everything out to her. All his pain, all his joy. He would choose her over Jonghyun. That's how important she was to him. That's why he couldn't seize Jonghyun from getting jealous. He had all the reason to be. But he shouldn't have gone to the "Taemin" issue. Taemin was Jinki's weak point. Taemin could be, in any day, the reason he could break up with Jonghyun. He would do anything for the sake of his brother.

 

"Don't be too hard on Taemin, okay?" Amber said before they could end their phone call.

"Okay. Now go rest so you can go to uni tomorrow."

"Yes, sir. Bye bye." They bought hung up.

 

Jinki opened the door and found Taemin still sitting on the sofa and twiddling with his fingers. The TV was still on. He didn't really listen to what Jinki was saying inside the bathroom earlier. He didn't even move an inch. He just stayed there and waited for his brother to calm down. Taemin hated it whenever Jinki got mad at him. Because he rarely got mad. And he preferred his warm hearted brother. Plus, Jinki was right and he knew he was wrong.

 

"Hyung," Taemin stood up and nervously looked at his brother. Jinki walked towards him and stopped when he was a meter away.

"I'm sorry. I really am." Taemin apologized and looked down at his black and white striped socks. Jinki put a hand on Taemin's shoulder and squeezed it.

"I'm sorry, too. I just had a bad day." Jinki said and Taemin simply nodded.

"Come here." Jinki pulled the younger man and hugged him.


	7. 7

Taemin and Jinki spent every afternoon together after that. If there were meetings with the band, Jinki would just skip it thinking that he wasn't really part of the band anyway. He had not talked to Jonghyun either. He thought they needed some time away from each other and as planned, Jinki wanted to spend more time with Taemin. He didn't know when his brother was going to leave and he had no plan on asking because he knew he would count the remaining days if he did.

 

Taemin was really happy to play with Jinki. They never had the chance to bond because, well, he avoided to for a few times then his brother had work, then Jonghyun and Amber were always there. He thought that it had always been better with just the two of them. They didn't need anybody else, apart from their parents, of course.

 

Taemin had never been that relaxed since he came back to Korea. He was comfy talking with his brother again that each night they would chat in his bedroom on his bed laughing like crazy fools reminiscing about the past when they were still very young or just laughing about their boring day or about a movie they just watched. And each night they would fall asleep next to each other. It was just like the old days and Taemin hoped everyday would always be like that.

 

Taemin prepared his things that Friday afternoon. They were going to Gyeonggi. Yes, they. Jinki was really going with him this time and he was really excited. He also packed his brother's things and only hoped that he packed the rights ones. He was still getting used to the apartment again.

 

He could really live that way again. Like the old times.

 

"Hyung!" Taemin cheerfully welcomed him home. Jinki instantly smiled when he saw his little brother. It had been so long since he last saw Taemin so happy like that. So bright. He missed that innocent and child-like face expression of his.

"You ready?" Jinki messed up his hair.

"Yeah," Taemin pointed at his rucksack on his back.

"Let's go!" Jinki smiled from ear to ear showing his white teeth and pushed Taemin out of the room.

 

"Your hair's getting long. Have a haircut soon, okay?" Jinki noted as he messed up Taemin's hair again when they were going down the stairs.

"Okay. I'll do as you say, hyung." Taemin nodded without pushing Jinki's hand away. He missed his warm touch.

 

In the car, Taemin pulled out the CD of Jonghyun's band. He insisted on playing it even though he knew Jinki wouldn't want to, but he really liked their songs. And he wanted to hear new music. He had been listening to the same songs for over 3 months and the songs were 5 years old. He nodded his head and tapped his hands on his thighs as he listened to the songs while Jinki was nodding his head a little too. He couldn't help it. They were all really nice. Of course, what did he expect from the best song writer he knew a.k.a his boyfriend?

 

"This is different." Taemin commented when he heard a slow and lullaby-like song.

"But it's nice and gentle. Like you." Taemin grinned and looked at his brother. Jinki faked a smile. Taemin could tell it wasn't a real smile.  _Is it a song for hyung?_

 

Taemin jumped out of the car and ran through the gate and into the house. Jinki laughed before he got out and grabbed the backpack at the backseat. He then walked in.

 

"Mom! Dad!" Taemin ran to the kitchen knowing they were there from the smell of delicious food. He embraced his mom who was at the hub then his dad who was sitting at the table chopping some vegetables. Taemin was happy and it was really visible on his face. Mr and Mrs Lee felt contented by it. Then they saw Jinki coming into the kitchen. They both felt their heart melt. Their oldest was there too. Taemin did promise to bring him and they didn't expect that he'd really come.

 

"Told you I'd bring him."

 

Jinki and Taemin helped prepare dinner. Taemin helped his mom by stirring the pot while Jinki was chopping the vegetables with his father.

 

Jinki didn't want to be there but he knew being there would make Taemin even happier than he already was. And he kinda wanted to have his family back. He wanted everything to be back like how they used to be. And that maybe, in that way, Taemin wouldn't have to go back to Japan, Taemin wouldn't have to leave, Taemin would stay with them and their family would be together again. Maybe even he, Jinki, would find his way back to his parents.

 

"How's work, Jinki?" His father asked.

"Good. The kids aren't as naughty as Taemin." Jinki said and they all chuckled aside from Taemin who was creasing his forehead and was sulking.

"I've matured." Taemin said in his defense but it only made Jinki laugh real hard.

"He still sleeps beside me." Jinki told his parents that caused another huge laughter from everyone.

"No, no. You're the one who always fall asleep in my bed!" Taemin sounded so defensive. His mother just patted his back as she chuckled.

"He tried making breakfast this morning and broke my rice cooker." Jinki had a bunch of things to tease Taemin with and he wasn't afraid to reveal all of them.

"Hyung, I told you I'll buy you a new one." And Taemin had prepared some comebacks.

"He lost  _my_  headphones that I lent him because he misplaced his."

"I'll give you mine once I find it."

"How did you lose it, Taem?" His father raised his eyebrows.

"I don't know." Taemin sheepishly answered.

"This kid, really. You're still so reckless." Mrs Lee ran her fingers through his hair while he just focused his eyes on the pot.

"Same old Taemin." His dad added.

"Ah, you're teaming up against me. This is unfair." He was pouting but the three of them just laughed at him again.

 

The atmosphere was just so light. Mrs Lee could picture little Taemin and little Jinki as they continued on joking around. The beautiful past was coming back. It was such a wonderful evening for all of them. She wished it would forever be like that. All of them wished the same thing. Still, it would be Taemin who'd decide how their family would turn out in the future. His decision was the only one that counted.

 

"Hyung~" Taemin wrapped his arms around Jinki's waist from his back when he saw him standing outside the door and looking up at the starry sky. Jinki slightly smiled and patted Taemin's hands.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Not anymore." Jinki answered before he looked up at the sky again. Taemin slowly pulled away and stood beside him.

 

"It would be nice to live here again, don't you think?" Jinki asked glancing a little at Taemin and he nodded.

"Maybe we can just come back here and stay here forever." Jinki added heaving a deep sigh of contentment.

"Maybe we should. Maybe not now but in the near future." Taemin stated and looked at his brother. Jinki was smiling and with that Taemin knew he agreed.

 

"Let's go in. It's getting colder." Jinki tugged Taemin's arm and so they went back inside to their parents watching some late night show on TV. Taemin squeezed in between his parents. His father patted his head and his mother rubbed the side of his arm. Jinki crouched on the floor just below Taemin.

 

The next day, the whole family went out together. They went to the English Village and had fun. Jinki and Taemin felt like they were kids again playing and running around while their father kept shouting at them and telling them to stop because they were giving him and their mother a headache.

 

Sunday they stayed at home, resting the whole day together in the boys' room. No one was allowed to get up(unless they had to pee) in Taemin's order. Mrs Lee would casually asked them questions about their favorite things, about the food they would want to eat for dinner or for the next weekend. The two boys would tell her they'd eat anything she cooked and their father would agree.

 

"And that young girl, Amber, how is she?" Mr Lee inquired. Taemin blinked. He knew that question wasn't for him but, of course, it troubled him.

"She's alright." Jinki responded.

"You should invite her to come next time. Tell her we miss her." Mrs Lee suggested and Jinki simply nodded in response before he smiled. Taemin didn't know that Amber had grown fond of his parents.

"Mommy, I'm hungry." Taemin changed the topic before they could talk more about Amber.

"Can I get up now and prepare something?"

"No, I'll do it. I'll cook." Jinki announced and stood up from the bed.

"And I'll help. You two should rest." Taemin slid out of bed and pushed his brother out of the room.

 

They prepared a simple dinner for the four of them. They ate joyfully as if it was their last meal together. Because the boys would be leaving for Seoul again. Taemin told his parents they could come over and visit him any day and he'd be back next weekend so they shouldn't be sad.

 

Jinki went outside first as Taemin said his goodbyes to his parents. Jinki took that chance to call Jonghyun. After a ring or two, he only heard Jonghyun's recorded voice meaning only that he didn't want to talk to Jinki and so he sent him to his voice mail. Nevertheless, Jinki left him a message knowing Jonghyun would listen to it.

 

"Jjong, I'll be back in Seoul in 40 minutes. Let's talk in the studio then." He simply said with a really dull tone before he put down his phone and sighed deeply.

"Hyung, who were you talking to?" He didn't know that Taemin was already at the door. Jinki turned his head.

"No one," Jinki shook his head. "just left a message for Jonghyun."

 

"Do you think I should quit being the band manager?" Jinki asked that surprised Taemin. He couldn't understand how his brother got to that conclusion.

"No. Why would you? Because of me?" Taemin furrowed his eyebrows as he walked towards him. Jinki didn't answer instead he looked down on his shoes.

"We can still hang out. Maybe you can take me with you when there are band meetings or rehearsals. I like their music anyway." Taemin tried to convince Jinki not to quit. He didn't want to be the reason behind it. And he knew Jinki loved being the band manager. And it wasn't just because of Jonghyun.

 

Jinki dropped Taemin off in front of the apartment before he drove off to the band's studio. He was sure Jonghyun was already there waiting for him. He stepped out of the car and rubbed the sides of his arms as he walked in slowly. It was getting colder each day. And they still wouldn't turn on the heating system in the studio. How would he bring Taemin there if he knew he'd freeze to death?

 

"Jonghyun, are you—"

"Jinki hyung!" Jonghyun immediately dropped his guitar and got up from his seat. Jinki walked closer to him and looked straight into his eyes. Jonghyun couldn't tell what Jinki was trying to tell him with his eyes. For the first time in two years, he couldn't understand his eyes and it was scaring him.

"Are you... are you breaking up with me? Oh, please, no, Jinki, don't. I ca—"

"That's not what I'm here for." Jinki cut him off before Jonghyun could overreact and declare his "never ending" love for him and cry his heart out and beg him not to leave him and cry his heart out again. Jinki chuckled knowing Jonghyun was just about to do all of those. Jinki took Jonghyun's hands and squeezed them.

"I just—I'm really sorry for the other night. I didn't mean when I said you were childish. I'm the childish one. I shouldn't have acted that way towards you." Jinki apologized and gazed at his eyes again.

"Lee Jinki, don't you ever dare scare me like that again." Jonghyun pulled him in and enclosed him in his arms.

"I really thought you were gonna break up with me! Your voice mail,  _god_ , it scared the hell out of me!" Jonghyun was basically shouting behind Jinki's left ear. Jinki just stroked his back and whispered "I'm sorry" for as many times as he could.

 

They talked for a while Jinki telling him how his days went on well with Taemin. He was so happy and Jonghyun could see it in his sparkling eyes as he told him the things he did with his brother for the past days. This was the happiest Jinki he had ever seen. Jonghyun then thought he was really wrong on getting jealous of Taemin because he was Jinki's brother and he did make Jinki the happiest. And that's what Jonghyun wanted, for Jinki to be happy.

 

Then Jinki told him about his plan to quit being the band manager. Jonghyun was gonna start his emotional and irrational speech again but Jinki stopped him and said that Taemin didn't want him to quit. Because apparently Taemin was becoming a fan and Jonghyun needed to give him an autographed CD or something.

 

"Let's go to your apartment then so I can sign that CD I gave him." Jonghyun picked up his music sheets and put them in his bag then he halted and looked at Jinki.

"That is, if you wouldn't mind..." Jonghyun timidly said.

"Let's go." Jinki extended out his hand that made Jonghyun grin so fully. He put the bag on his shoulders before he grabbed Jinki's stretched out hand.

 

<<<

 

"Jung Soojung, I haven't seen you for days now. Where are you?" Taemin called his friend as he placed the backpack on his bed. He kinda missed the mischievous girl. How could he not miss her when she was always around even if Taemin didn't want her to.

"With my family. We're in Busan right now. It's boring here but I have to spend more time with them." There was a bit of irritation in her voice that made Taemin laugh.

"I see. That's good. I've just come back from the province." Taemin calmly stated. He just felt good after that long and fun weekend.

"Yeah? Everything's good with your brother?"

"Not just good, everything's great! Super!" There was an obvious joy in his tone. Soojung was smiling. She had not heard that blissful tone ever. It was the first time. She wished she could see his face and how beautiful it was.

"I'll be back next week. Let's meet up then."

"Okay. Enjoy your time there."

"I will. Bye, oppa."

 

Taemin pulled out the clothes and stuff from the bag to put his things in order and so he wouldn't get teased on being too dependent and careless. He couldn't wait for tomorrow. He didn't know what he was going to do with his brother but he did plan on visiting him at the school he was working at. And he only hoped Jinki had fixed his problems with Jonghyun then maybe he could see the band play again. He really thought that everything was okay. Everything seemed perfect again, but Amber came over without notice. Taemin heaved a sigh. Everything was going well but Amber just had to appear and crash him.

 

"What are you doing here?" Taemin sourly asked without looking at her and just continued fixing his things putting the shirts in his drawer. He really couldn't understand how Jinki could just let her come in whenever she wanted.

"I... I don't know. I just..." Amber paused afraid to say what's on her mind.

"I just missed you." She finished her sentence but all she got from Taemin was a whiff. Taemin closed the cabinet and faced her.

"Missed me? What are you even trying to say?"

"That I missed you. Isn't that clear?" Amber sounded so hopeless that Taemin just chuckled foully before he turned his back. He then bended down and put the empty bag under his bed.

 

"Taemin, I know you remember me, I know you hate me but—"

"Stop." Taemin uttered when he knew where she was going with her words.

"No, Taemin, you have to listen to me."

"Stop." He said again.

"But I just want you to know that I—"

"I said stop!" He shouted and angrily looked at her. He grabbed her forearm and started dragging her out of the room and to the front door.

"Just go away. Leave me alone." Taemin said as he pushed her out of the door.

"We're doing fine. Hyung and I. Please, don't ruin us like you did in the past." Taemin's eyes were beggarly. They were shiny like his tears were ready to fall.

"Taemin, please, hear me out." Amber took a grip of his arm and it just angered Taemin even more.

"Don't you get it? I don't want to listen to you!" Taemin yelled at her and roughly pulled his arm away.

"Tae—"

"Don't touch me!" Taemin shouted before she could even lay a finger on him. Her eyes were already damp.

 

"Taemin!" Jinki was standing just meters away from them with Jonghyun beside him holding his hand firmly ceasing him from walking towards Taemin because he knew Jinki might punch his own brother after the scene they had just witnessed. Amber ran off crying.

"Follow her, Jjong, please." Jinki pulled away from Jonghyun. He nodded and ran down the stairs. Jinki looked at his brother. His eyes were already full of fear. Jinki's stare was so sharp that he felt like it was cutting him piece by piece.

 

Taemin rushed inside. Jinki didn't need to say a word to make him understand that he was going to reprimand him all night and that he wouldn't be sorry about it. Taemin sat in the middle of the couch and put his hands together as he place then on his lap. He couldn't look at Jinki because even without looking at him, Taemin could feel the intense glare Jinki was giving him.

 

"B-but hyung. Everything was fine without her. We don't need her ar—"

"Taemin, stop. Amber has become a big part of my life and I know of yours too. So why would you want to hurt her?" Jinki was calm but with desperation in his eyes.

"Why can't you just ignore her instead of causing her pain?" This time, there was rage in his voice.

"But she's hurting me—"

"She's not hurting you! She might have hurt you in the past but it doesn't mean you have to hurt her now out of revenge. When will you ever grow up, Taemin?!" 

"When will you ever understand, Taemin?"

"Maybe you should try to make me understand! Because everything's just confusing! I'm so confused!" Taemin stood and started shouting at Jinki. He couldn't keep everything inside him anymore. He had had enough.

"You know a lot. You're my perfect brother after all. My brother who knows all about the world, all about life! The smartest, the most diligent, the perfect son! The best son! And I'm just your stupid little brother. And you know what's worse? I'm not even your real brother so I'm just the stupid kid trying to fit in your family." Taemin pushed him aside and walked into the bedroom locking the door behind him. Jinki was left in awe, his lips a little bit parted. Jinki didn't know Taemin had been feeling that way. He thought Taemin was copying him because he idolized him, but now he understood it wasn't just that. There was something more to it.

 

Jinki knocked roughly and furiously on the bedroom door. He needed to clear things up with Taemin even if there would be a lot of shouting.

 

"Step out of the room now!" Jinki continued to knock violently but there was no movement coming from the other side of the door.

 

"Have you always been so jealous of me?" He asked with a still tone. He didn't hear any noise but he knew Taemin was listening so he continued.

 

"You may not be related to us or you may not be my real brother but I've always treated you like one." Jinki paused and gasped before he went on.

 

"Mom and dad didn't play favorites. Why? Did you really feel like I was their favorite? You're an idiot then. You were freaking spoilt as a child! Don't you remember? They always gave you what you want." Jinki felt like he was talking to himself but he just knew he needed to say everything to Taemin.

 

"They treated us equally. Up until now. No, Taemin. They love you more than they love me. But did I ever complain? Did I ever get jealous? No, because I love you too, Taem. And I would give up everything for you even if you don't ask me to." Taemin felt his chest ache, like his older brother was poking his chest nonstop with his words.

 

"You're really foolish, you know that?!" Jinki yelled before he hit the door one last time.

 

 

<<<

 

Amber was still running and Jonghyun was just behind her following her and calling her name hoping she'd stop. After a few minutes, she started slowing down till she finally halted and gasped as she cried out loud. Jonghyun stroked her back and held her side because he knew she could break down any moment.

 

Amber thought about what Taemin had just said. He was only blaming her. She knew he didn't want to blame Jinki because he wanted to fix their family and because he believed that Jinki was only a victim just like him. Amber's victim. He didn't want to inculpate Jinki because Jinki was his brother. And Amber understood that it wasn't just about her history with Jinki. She knew he was talking about the day she met Jinki, she met Taemin. She figured Taemin regret everything because he was right, Amber thought. He was right about him and Jinki doing fine until she came into their lives and changed their perfect brotherly relationship. She really believed she was a life ruiner. She was blaming herself as well.

 

"Come here," Jonghyun held her in his arms and let her sob on his shoulder. He, too, knew how much Amber suffered. Not just through Jinki's stories but he saw, he watched her cry once, twice because she dreamt of Taemin. She would always run to Jinki even if she knew he would only remind her of Taemin even more.

"I don't deserve this, do I, oppa?" Amber glanced at Jonghyun with her eyes filled with tears and pain. Jonghyun shook his head continuously feeling an ache on his chest as he stared back in her eyes.

"No, Amber. So stop crying. He doesn't deserve your tears either, okay?" He said wiping her tears with the back of his hand.

"Come on. Let's get you home." Jonghyun took off his coat and put it over Amber's shoulders.

 

Jonghyun called Jinki right after he sent Amber home. He reported that he made sure she had stopped crying before he left her and that she had calmed down. Jinki couldn't tell him anything about Taemin. He was still processing everything that had happened that night.

 

"I'm sorry you have to be part of all this." Jinki sighed profoundly.

"No, don't be. When I talked to you that day in the army, I made a decision. You didn't pull me into anything."


	8. 8

Taemin had not gone out of the room for a couple of days or at least he never went out whenever Jinki was home which was always. Jinki would just leave food by the bedroom door but he wasn't hoping that Taemin would actually touch it because he knew Taemin would just eat whatever he finds in the kitchen and not those made by his older brother. He could be so stubborn at times but Jinki couldn't care less because he was kinda being stubborn himself. He didn't want to talk to Taemin unless he talks to him first. It didn't make sense but he was just so tired of trying.

 

Taemin was playing with his phone in the bedroom when he heard some voices coming from the living room. It was his brother with Jonghyun. He always came home with Jonghyun.

 

"Any news from Amber?"

"I called her friend. She still didn't attend her classes today."

"Shall we go to her flat and check on her?"

"No. She would call if she wanted us there."

"Don't stress over it too much, okay?"

"But it's Amber we're talking about here."

"I know, I know. She's a strong girl. She'll be alright."

"She's the weakest and you know that."

 

Taemin rolled his eyes and put on his headphones so he wouldn't hear anything. He knew they were talking aloud on purpose so he could hear them talk about her. He wasn't as stupid as they thought he was. Though the music that were entering his ears weren't stopping him from thinking of her. He couldn't even hear the music playing. He could just hear her voice calling out his name from that night. He could only imagine the look on her face when he pushed her away. He could see clearly in his head the distress and fear in her watery eyes. He wanted to sleep it off but he couldn't. He just kept picturing Amber crying and it was making him feel so spiteful that he was starting to hate himself.

 

She was all he thought about. He really couldn't understand anything anymore. He thought he already loathed her, he thought he didn't want her anymore but why was she the only thing in his mind? Why was he still hurting because of her? And why did he still like her so much even if he was hurting? He didn't even care if he wouldn't reconcile with his brother, he just wanted to see her and make it all up to her.

 

He hit his forehead for a few times before he decided to get up and get out of the room. He walked past his brother and went straight out. He thought he needed to stop thinking about her and the only solution he got was to get drunk and regret it all in the morning. So he drank all night with an empty stomach. He knew he'd surely regret everything but he didn't care. He just wanted to forget even for a while because he was really going crazy. So crazy, he could strap out his hair. So crazy, he could shoot himself if he had a gun.

 

But he couldn't strap out his hair and he couldn't kill himself, instead he could only get drunk and make himself feel awful. And once he was drunk enough, he left the stall and went to a place he wasn't planning to go to. Ever. He harshly knocked on Amber's apartment door. Yes, even in the drunk state of his, she was still all he thought about. It wasn't part of his plans. But he was completely aware of what he was doing. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't stop himself thinking that being drunk was a great excuse of doing it.

 

He knocked constantly till the door swung open.

 

"What are you doing here?" She asked with a worried tone as she closed the door behind her. She wasn't mad. She was just really worried about the whole situation.

"Noona," Taemin started taking a step closer to her. She took a step back but he kept coming closer and closer until her back was already against the door.

"I really hate you, noona." Taemin muttered. Amber smelled alcohol. He was just too close to her. Their bodies were almost united and they were breathing each other's breath.

"You're drunk. Go home." She lightly pushed him but he only held her by her shoulders and pinned her to the door.

"Taemin."

"Why didn't you reply to any of my letters?"

"Why did you pretend to like me?"

"Why did you have to hurt me?"

"Why did you have to like my brother instead of me?"

 

He bombarded her with questions. But she could only stare at his searching eyes.

 

"Do you know how much pain you've caused me?"

"I'm afraid to dance again because of you!"

 

Taemin was then blaming her. Again. But this time, he was telling it straight to her face and not just making her feel it. But it didn't make Amber feel any better. It was even more painful.

 

"Because of you, I got hit by a car, I couldn't walk for over a year, and now I'm scared to dance again. You have to take that one thing I'm passionate about with you and your selfish self!" He was so furious, he just kept shaking her shoulders with desperation in his voice. Amber was already in tears. She couldn't look at him anymore.

"You never cared about me. You only cared about hyung." Taemin was smirking.

 

"But even after all this..." He breathed in and out slowly.

"I still want you."

 

"I don't know. You're the one who breaks me into the tiniest pieces but you're also the one who picks all my broken pieces and glues them back together. You complete me. Even if you've caused me so much pain, you're the only one that takes all the pain away." A tear fell from the side of his left eye. Amber saw it fall. It was the first time she had ever seen him cry. And it hurt her. To add were his words that were so beautiful yet dolorous. She could just hear them echo in her head.

 

"Why aren't you talking? Why aren't you explaining yourself? Come on, tell me!!!" Taemin shook her again, harder this time that it was really hurting her physically.

"Stop, Taemin. Please." She murmured as she put her hands over his trying to remove them.

 

Taemin only tightened his grip before he looked at her intensely still searching for answers. He then shoved his lips into hers real roughly. But Amber only pushed him off of her and slapped his left cheek that instantly turned red.

 

"Go home! Talk to me when you're sober." Amber hurriedly entered her apartment and slammed the door. She leaned against the door and weeped again.

"Noona! Open up!" Taemin kept knocking at her door again but she could only cover her ears with her hands.

"Amber noona," His voice was softer.

"I love you." He uttered gently, his knocking even gentler.

 

Amber took out her phone from her pocket with her shaking hands and searched for Jinki's number. She pressed his name and waited for the phone to ring.

 

"Oppa, come here." Amber muttered in between sobs.

"Amber? Are you crying? What's happened?"

"Taemin. He's here. Please, pick him up. He's drunk." Amber kept wiping the tears that wouldn't stop falling with the back of her free hand.

"What? I— I'm coming. Hold on, okay?"

 

Amber had to endure hearing Taemin's voice from the other side of the door. She had to bear all the things he was telling her, all the things that he already said that he just kept repeating over and over again. Amber could just run to her room so she wouldn't have to suffer but she was still worrying about Taemin.

 

"Taemin, let's go." She finally heard Jinki's voice.

"No, hyung. Amber noona is—"

"Taem, come on."

"Amber noona! Amber noona!"

 

Amber pulled her knees up and embraced them. She was glad it was finally over. It was all over.

 

>>>

 

Taemin woke up the next day with a headache. He hit the sides of his head when he felt them throbbing before he massaged them. The regret was slowly coming in. Slowly and painfully. He removed the blanket over his legs and opened his eyes. He found a tray with a bowl of soup and a cup of coffee on the bedside table. He looked at the time. It was nearly 11. His head started aching so badly again. He decided to just lie down for a while. Then he started to remember some things from last night. He could recall Jinki stopping the car and pulling him out before he vomited just beside the wheel of the car. He could recall Jinki patting his back and telling him "That's right. Let it all out.". He could remember Jinki pushing him down his bed and taking his shoes off for him. He could remember Jinki murmuring "Just because you're old enough to get drunk, you actually do it. What a kid." And he also remembered Jinki say "If you only knew what Amber and I had gone through because of you."

 

_What did I do last night?_  That was the only thing he could ask himself.

 

Both the coffee and soup were cold so he tried his best to stand up and go to the kitchen to get himself a hot new cup of coffee. He sat at the table and rubbed his eyes with his fingers. Not remembering anything and trying to remember something were making his head ache even more. He took a sip from his cup but spit it out immediately because of its bitterness.

 

After an hour, he finally felt a lot better. The hangover was still there but just a little. He still wasn't sure what he did last night though. He had to wait for his brother for him to tell him everything. Although he knew there would be some scolding too.

 

He suddenly heard the doorbell rang. He went to the door and when opened it, he saw Amber. She was holding a huge box. But Taemin could only stare at her puffy red eyes. It was really obvious that she had been crying.

 

"Here. Take it. They're the letters you wanted." Amber shoved the big and, apparently, heavy box to Taemin's chest. She then walked away right afterwards. He wanted to stop her but then he finally remembered what he had done the night before.

 

He put down the box by the sofa and opened it. He aspired totally taken aback by what he saw. There were so many letters. At the very least, 200 letters. He picked the one on top. It was dated to just a couple of weeks ago, a couple of days after he arrived.

 

_Hey. I saw you today. For the first time in 7 years. You've grown so much and you've changed._

_But you're still the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. How I missed you._ _But have you_

_really forgotten about me? You haven't, right?_ _I know this_ _letter doesn't_ _make sense since_ _you're_

_already back but I just want to let you know_ _how happy I am to see you again. Are you happy_ _to_

_be_ _back? Are you happy to see me again?_ _Probably not. I know. Let's just make_ _new_ _memories_

_together, okay?_

 

Then he took another letter. A random one. He read it. It was just about Amber's routine but the last paragraph really caught his attention.

 

_I know I should be sending you this but why try when it can't even get to you? Why try when they_

_won't give_ _it to you? They won't even let you know about my letters. I'm still wondering whether_

_they_ _kept_ _my letters or they threw them away. What do you think? Can you ask them?_

 

_They. Who is she talking about?_ Taemin was so confused and tried reading another letter though he knew it would only confuse him even more. He needed to know more about what or who Amber was talking about.

_ April 14, 2013 _

_ Taem, your brother introduced his boyfriend a few days ago. No, I didn't write that wrong. _

_ Please, don't think badly of him or think differently of him. He's still the same as how you _

_ remembered him.  _ _ His name is Jonghyun. He's a really nice and sweet guy and he seems really _

_ sincere about his feelings for oppa. He makes oppa smile too. Everyday. And that's what you _

_ would want, right?  _ _ Are you curious about me? I'm fine. At least I try to be. For you. I hope you're _

_ okay. Do your legs still hurt? _

 

He stopped reading from that point. He froze, his hands dropping the letter. _She knew?_

He couldn't read any more of that. His head was just aching and it wasn't even because of the alcohol anymore. It was because of Amber's letters that were messing up his head. He ruffled his hair that were still needed to be cut but he refused to get it cut after his little fight with his brother.

He needed his brother that moment. He needed explanations and Jinki had all the answers. He didn't want to admit it but Jinki really knew everything. Everything there is to know. Even the things about himself. Jinki was the only one who knew.

“I'm still working, Taemin. Is there a problem?” Jinki had an annoyed tone but Taemin ignored it knowing it was only an act because of what he did the night before.

“Just come home.” Taemin paused and sighed.

“I need you.”

That was Jinki's cue to leave work early and to go home to his little brother who seemed to have a problem. He was lucky he didn't have to substitute anyone that day.

He entered the apartment and found Taemin sitting on the floor with scattered letters around him. He was actually trying to organize them according to their dates without having to read what was inside them even if he was tempted to. Jinki knew who those letters were from. So he sat on the wooden varnished floor next to Taemin and looked at him with questioning eyes.

“Did you know?” Taemin asked keeping his eyes concentrated on the box.

“Did you know about my legs?” Then he finally looked at Jinki that was already looking anxious. He assumed it was one of those things he wasn't supposed to know. But he thought they weren't supposed to know about it either. He was again confused but he knew Jinki's silence was a yes.

 

“Amber and I,” Jinki started. Taemin wasn't sure where Jinki was going with the start of his explanation. He was a little scared of what he was going to say.

“We never really had any romantic relationship. We never dated.” Jinki stated that made Taemin widen his eyes. He didn't know whether Jinki was serious or not but with the straight face he had, he knew he was telling the truth. Jinki then added a slight nod that Taemin became even more shocked than before.

 

/ _flashback_ /

A week after Taemin left, everything seemed fine. At least for Amber. Jinki was still a little mad at his parents even if Taemin told him not to stay mad at them before he left.

 

As promised, Amber would write Taemin letters from the moment Taemin started sending her one. His first letter was a really long and complicated way of telling her "I miss you". He wrote so many things but it just all led to those three words. Amber wrote him her first letter telling him she missed him too and telling him not to laugh while reading it because she knew she made so many mistakes in writing.

 

What's odd though was when she read Taemin's next letter and it said that she didn't respond to his first letter. But she did respond. She was sure of it. She ignored it at first thinking that it had not got to Taemin yet or it lost its way or something. But after receiving the next three letters and how Taemin kept writing "why aren't you writing back?", it bothered her. So she asked Jinki's opinion about it but even he didn't know the answer.

 

After a few months of continuous questioning, Amber received a phone call. It was a call from overseas. She thought it was Taemin so she answered it immediately but it wasn't Taemin. It was his biological mom. She told Amber to stop writing letters and that Taemin wouldn't be able to read then anyway. Amber knew exactly what that meant. She also told Amber not to try keeping in touch with Taemin because she was just becoming a hindrance to him. She said Taemin needed to move on from the past, that he needed to move on from her and his old family. She sounded so authoritative as if she was obligating Amber.

 

Amber didn't listen to her though. She just kept sending him letters hoping that he would receive it. She didn't tell Jinki about it either because she didn't want him to get even madder at Taemin's parents. But Taemin's mother called her again. She was furious. Amber got scared. She was even cussing at Amber.

 

Amber finally told Jinki about it. She couldn't take it anymore. She was disgusted by the words Taemin's mom threw at her. However, she was right about Jinki getting even madder. Apparently, he also received a call from Taemin's parents. Not just a call, but tons of calls telling him to stop contacting Taemin or answering his calls telling him he was making things worse for them because Taemin still wouldn't open up to them because he always had Jinki to ran to. Of course, Jinki refused. He merited to stay in contact with his little brother. But even his parents talked to him about it. They told him to stop. They told him to listen to Taemin's parents or if he didn't want to listen to them, he should at least listen to his own parents. So he followed their orders. He stopped calling Taemin but Taemin never stopped calling him and he tried to ignore as many calls as he could. Amber still wrote him letters but she never mailed them. She didn't want to receive another horrible phone call from the Yoons.

 

"Mom, I can't always ignore him. I have to answer once in a blue moon." Jinki was getting really frustrated with everything. Amber rubbed his back trying to calm him down.

"Make him stop calling you then."

"What?"

"Make him hate you if you have to."

"Mom, don't be ridi—"

"Just figure something out. Do it!" It was the first time that Jinki heard his mom shout. She wasn't the type who shouts a lot. She hated getting mad. She didn't want her sons to get scared of her. But that moment, she thought she needed to use that tone so Jinki would stop being stubborn. She also knew there would be consequences.

 

Jinki and Amber decided to do what they thought was right. Well, they thought it was wrong but it was the only solution. Jinki told Taemin that he was dating Amber even if he wasn't. They both thought that it would only make Taemin mad and nothing more than that. But the next day, his mom called him telling him that Taemin was involved in an accident. Jinki lost his balance and broke down on the floor. He and his parents instantly flew to Japan and visited Taemin in the hospital. He looked okay. Just little bruises and the three of them were relieved even if he still had not woken up yet. He had been unconscious for a week and that's what's worrying them. They were still there when Taemin finally woke up. They were just outside the room when Taemin was calling out their names, when he was looking for them with his desperate tone of voice. They were all crying. They could feel his pain. They wished to let him know they were all just there for him but they couldn't because the Yoons didn't allow them.

 

They went back to Korea with the loneliest faces. Jinki shouted at his parents blaming them for making him do such a terrible thing to his brother. Ever since then he became distant from them. He stopped talking to them. He never went back to the province. And he missed out birthdays and holidays.

 

Amber was blaming herself though. Amber would cry every night thinking that it was all because of her and the lie they made.

 

Jinki didn't study as much as before and he was falling behind in his classes. Most nights, he would get drunk and Amber would sometimes join him. They just wanted to forget everything. They both wanted to suffer because they both thought they deserved it.

 

"Oppa, you drunk enough?"

"I'll never be drunk enough."

 

They laughed but it wasn't a happy laughter. It was a sad and painful laughter. Jinki gazed at Amber who had eyes so red. He then moved and leaned closer to her before he cupped her cheeks and kissed her lips. She let him. He thought that since they were already pretending, he should just make it real. But he immediately pulled away and smirked.

 

"This doesn't feel right." He shook his head before he chugged his half empty bottle of beer.

 

They liked each other. That was clear. But Jinki's love for his brother was so much more than his little crush on Amber. And Amber, she knew she was in love with Taemin. She knew he was the only one. She knew he already owned her heart from the very start.

 

After that night, she tried to be stronger. Not for herself, but for Jinki and Taemin. She would always take care of Jinki. She would stop him from drinking whenever she could. She even spent most of her time in his apartment just to watch over him. She once even caught him lighting a cigarette in the balcony and heck, did she got so mad at him. Jinki's health was at stake and she couldn't let him get ill. She told him to stop drinking and smoking. She told him Taemin wouldn't want that. She told him Taemin would want his healthy and cuddly older brother back and not the thin and sick Jinki that he was that moment. But she couldn't convince him so she cried her heart out. She cried till she got no tears left or at least till Jinki was in so much pain from watching her cry.

 

Those were the worst months. Everything became so much better when Taemin finally called Jinki again. He didn't expect his little brother to call after what he and Amber had done. But he did, he called. He figured Taemin was in rehab whenever he called him. His parents told him about Taemin going to the rehabilitation center and he was making great progress.

 

"Can I answer his calls again?" Jinki asked when his parents visited him in the army even though he had been answering his calls for a while now.

"Yeah," his dad answered knowing Jinki was the reason why Taemin was doing so great in rehab.

 

Amber was still writing him letters. Every letter was filled with words of encouragement. And at the end of every letter she would write "I hope you can read this. Noona loves you so much. I love you so much."

 

///

 

Taemin stared at a letter he just picked up and looked at the date. July 18, 2011. He opened the envelope and saw not a just a piece of paper, but also a photo. It was Amber with her hair tied up.

 

_Happy birthday, Taem! Another year has passed by. Send us some pictures will you?_

_I wanna know whether you've changed or not. Me? I'm letting my hair grow. But I don't_

_like it. What do you think? Should I let it grow or not? There's a photo in the envelope_

_if you didn't see it. Tell me if you want noona to have long hair, okay? I'm guessing you_

_don't like it so I'll cut it off immediately._

_I visited your brother yesterday and we celebrated your birthday. But all we did was cry_

_and everyone just looked at us oddly. Ridiculous, right? Well, that's how you affect us._

_You always make us cry. You always make us feel bad. But nevertheless, we still adore you._

_We love you. I love you._

 

The last words were all smudged up but Taemin was still able to read them. He assumed it was Amber's tears that caused the smear.

 

"I'm sorry, hyung. I'm really sorry." Taemin muttered though he thought Jinki had had enough of his apologies.

"All this time, I've been blaming the wrong people." He said as he put the letter inside the box where it belonged.

"My own parents caused everything." He didn't want to admit it but it was what he thought was true.

"No, Taem. Don't blame them either." Jinki put his hand on Taemin's knee.

"But none of these would've happened if they had not come back, if they had not took me away, if they had not forced you to stop contacting me, to lie to me!" Taemin burried his faced in his palms.

"But they're still your parents. They're still your family. They only wanted the best for you. We all wanted the best for you and we all thought that that was the best for you, but we all thought wrong. We all made the same mistake." Jinki explained rubbing Taemin's knee then patting his thigh to comfort the younger man. The latter sighed before he threw his arms around his brother's neck and embraced him laying his head on Jinki's shoulder.

"Hyung, just—I'm really sorry." He whispered.

"I'm sorry for lying to you, Taem." Jinki murmured so softly like he was lulling his little brother to sleep.

 

"And Amber noona. What should I do?" Taemin bended backward to look at Jinki.

"You should apologize to her. That's all she needs. Especially after last night. I don't know what you did but," Jinki didn't need to finish his sentence because Taemin already understood.

 

"Give her time though. She also needs that." Jinki patted his back.


	9. 9

The next day, Jinki stayed home with Taemin. He didn't go to work and just talked to Taemin more about their fight the other night, in particular about Taemin's jealousy over his older brother. He apologized again knowing that Jinki was right once more. But he didn't feel bad for himself anymore for being wrong. He learnt that it was okay to be wrong.

 

Taemin went out for some fresh air and to keep his legs moving. He had not gone out for walks for three days. Jinki wanted to come with him in case he needed a company but Taemin hesitated. He just wanted to be alone. He told his brother not to worry. He wasn't going to Amber's. Well, not yet. Not that day. He needed time. He needed to figure out what to tell her and he could use that walk to think. And like what Jinki said, Amber also needed time for herself.

 

Taemin decided to have a haircut that afternoon. He needed to start anew and he was starting with his hair.

 

"Your colleague said you were sick." Jonghyun came in as soon as Jinki opened the door for him. He looked worried. Jinki just smiled letting him know there was nothing to worry about. He knew the younger was afraid that he might be ill without his knowledge. He told him he just called in sick to stay at home just for the day for Taemin.

 

"He's not here." Jinki muttered when Jonghyun started circling around the apartment obviously looking for Taemin.

"He left for his walk." Jinki added and so Jonghyun stopped by the bathroom door.

"We made up last night. This time it's for real and hopefully, we won't fight no more." Jinki walked over to him and leaned against the wall. Jonghyun tilted his head and looked at him. He didn't say a word knowing Jinki had so much more to say.

"I told him that we knew about his accident last night."

"I really hope this ends all the misconceptions." Jinki sighed.

"And us? Have you told him about us?" Jonghyun placed a hand on Jinki's forearm. Jinki lowered his gaze.

 

"Jjong, you should go. You have a rehearsal in an hour." Jinki ignored his question  and started pushing him to the door.

"What? No. I just got here." Jonghyun was resisting, leaving the unanswered question behind. He knew Jinki wasn't ready to tell Taemin about it yet.

"You've got a gig tonight. You should get ready." Jinki opened the door for him but still he refused to leave.

"Promise me first you'll come to our gig." Jonghyun halted at the doorway.

"Promise. Now go." Jinki gently pushed him out.

"Give me a kiss first." Jonghyun stated with a devilish smile but Jinki only widened his eyes.

"What the—no, Jonghyun."

"Why not?"

"Taemin might arrive any minu—"

"Whatever." Jonghyun rolled his eyes and sulked as he turned his back to Jinki. He was really upset. He couldn't even remember when was the last time he was all lovey-dovey with his own boyfriend. Jinki always tried to play safe and didn't like taking risks in their relationship. Jonghyun hated it.

 

"Wait," Jinki grabbed his forearm and pulled him before he could walk away. Jonghyun was pouting like a cute sad little puppy and Jinki couldn't help but sneer. Jonghyun could be really adorable sometimes. Well, always. Jinki always found him adorable.

"Stop doing that face." Jinki said with a grin.

"What?" Jonghyun asked with a rude tone.

"That face you always make to get my attention." Jinki explained still smiling like a total idiot because, damn, Jonghyun was still doing the face he had always adored.

"I make such face?"

"Just come here." Jinki pulled him close to him before he pressed his lips on his boyfriend's. Jonghyun's lips formed a smile as they shared their kiss, putting his hand on Jinki's waist.

 

But they were cut off by small but noticeable screeching sound. It was Taemin trying to take a step back  _quietly_  on the stairs but failed. His hand on the rail of the stairs made the sound that broke Jinki and Jonghyun's kiss. It was a very, very awkward situation.

 

"S-see... see you later." Jonghyun whispered as he slipped away from Jinki who was petrified. He avoided Taemin's eyes as he walked past him.

 

Jinki didn't think that day would come, the day that he had to tell Taemin about him and Jonghyun. He honestly had no plan on telling him. He was just really scared that Taemin might not accept him or something for what he truly was. But he guessed Taemin would know sooner or later. He just didn't know that Taemin already knew and was only quiet about it.

 

They sat together on the couch. At both ends like there was a huge wall in between them. Taemin didn't plan to catch them kissing. He wanted to pretend he wasn't there that's why he was trying to go down the stairs again earlier but he was a little clumsy so he had to have the talk with Jinki.

 

"So..."

"So...?"

"Wanna know the story?"

"If you wouldn't mind telling..." Taemin was ready. He was kinda curious.

 

/flashback/

Jinki was enlisted in the army on the first of October 2010. He wasn't the only new comer. There were at least 30 with him but he couldn't care less about the others. He didn't even want to talk to them. He had no plans on making friends or whatnot. He didn't even want to be there but he could use a break like that even if it would last for two years.

 

Although he adored sleeping, he would still wake up earlier than everyone else. After their long trainings during the day, he would isolate himself from everyone who was playing sports or joking around with each other. He would crouch behind the building and would pick a stick and draw circles on the sand. Everyday he would only think of his little brother and if he was doing improvement, if he was walking again. Taemin would call him two to three times a month but he could never ask him about his legs. He would sigh continuously thinking of the pain Taemin was going through.

 

"I'll be right there in a minute!" Some guy stopped in front of Jinki with his shadow over him. He raised his head, the sun rays behind the man's head were blinding him a little. It was real hazy and he couldn't really see the man's face.

"I know I've seen you somewhere." He moved to Jinki's side and squatted. He flashed a smile before he started talking again.

"You're Jinki, right?" He asked but Jinki only raised an eyebrow. He didn't know how the man, who was talking to him, knew his name. He only smiled again from Jinki's confused face.

"I'm Jonghyun. We're practically classmates at uni. We're taking, like, 5 same classes together." He introduced himself but still Jinki didn't know him so he shook his head. He didn't make friends at uni or anywhere so he didn't know much people apart from Amber and some high school friends.

 

"You like being alone, don't you?" Jonghyun asked but Jinki just shrugged and looked at the ground again.

"Even in class, you always sat alone in the corner." Jonghyun added tilting his head trying to have a clear view of Jinki's eyes.

"How do you do that? I mean, I can't even be left alone for a day or I'd be really, really lonely."

 

Was he talkative. Jinki thought. He didn't stop talking even without receiving any reaction or reply from Jinki. He just started with that "alone" topic and he continued going through his life experiences. Jinki wasn't really listening. He could only hear some vague mumbles from Jonghyun as he concentrated on his little sketch on the sandy ground.

 

"Jjong, we've been waiting for you." Some other guys came. Jinki looked at them for a second before looking down again.

"Nice talking to you, Jinki." Jonghyun stood up and dusted the back of his pants. Jinki raised his eyebrows just to let him know he could leave.

 

"You know that guy?"

"Kind of."

"He's a bit odd, don't you think?"

 

He heaved a sigh. He knew everyone thought he was weird. Well, he wanted everyone to think he was weird so that no one would befriend him. If not weird, he wanted no one to notice him. He wanted to be invisible. But it seemed like it wasn't working because everyday, Jonghyun would come and sit next to him and talk nonstop. Jinki thought Jonghyun was even weirder than him. He couldn't understand why he would talk to him when they barely knew each other. But he became even weirder than the talkative short man when he began listening to his stories. They weren't that interesting but it helped Jinki stop worrying for a while, at least, in a day. He was funny too. Surprisingly, Jinki would smile on the side where Jonghyun couldn't see. He was also a very dramatic man. Sometimes, Jinki would steal glances when Jonghyun sounded sad and he could see his eyes sparkling from the water that were filling them.

 

"Fourteen." Jinki suddenly interrupted him.

"What?"

"There were fourteen of us that failed professor Ha's class. Not twelve." He explained. It was a class on English poetry that wasn't even compulsory. But they still had to take it seriously, of course. Jinki could have done better. He liked the professor and the course itself but all the stress and the depression he felt during those times ate him alive.

 

The side of Jonghyun's lips raised forming a smile, his cheeks so puffy it hurt. Jinki finally spoke up. He finally talked to him. He was really happy because he really thought Jinki wasn't listening to anything he said and he was practically just having a monologue or was talking to a wall.

 

"Yeah, fourteen. Sorry. I'm not that good with numbers." Jonghyun apologized still smiling like a total idiot even if Jinki wasn't looking at him.

"As I was saying, that professor was so strange. But I kinda liked him. I might take his course again when I come back. Didn't you like him? I really thought you were his favorite student. He always asked for your opinion first before anyone else's and he always had a compliment in anything you say. But why did he gave you a failing grade?" Jonghyun went on again for another 15 minutes talking by himself.

 

It wasn't the only time that Jinki "interrupted" Jonghyun as he talked. He did it quite a few times after that. He'd only speak up if he thought it was necessary or if Jonghyun was making some grammatical errors or if Jonghyun was stating some wrong facts or if Jonghyun was going to cry or if Jonghyun was saying stupid things. Therefore, always. He didn't just talk, he smiled and laughed so openly as well.

 

"No!" Jinki exclaimed before chuckling.

"It's 'dibidibidibidis'! I'm sure of it!" He shortly added still laughing.

"He really doesn't say 'digidibidibidis'?" Jonghyun repeated his question but Jinki only shook his head and laugh even louder. He really found it funny, the way Jonghyun said that nonsensical word from a rap song made up by one of their roommates the night before.

"Wanna bet?"

"Sure. Let's ask Minho about it. The loser will clean the room by himself."

"It's a bet then."

 

Jinki thought he was slowly becoming senseless like Jonghyun. But he didn't mind because the shorter man was kind of making him feel better, like a sort of daily happy pill. He always gave him the reason to smile, even the reason to wake up each day in that tiring place.

 

"Eat a lot, okay? Don't skip meals. You're getting skinnier and I hate it." Jinki cupped Amber's face before he pinched her cheeks. She laughed and hit his hands. She was just visiting him. She really felt a little sad when she couldn't see Jinki daily.

"Are you sure you're not having a hard time here? You know I can come here in the middle of the night and help you escape."

"This is not a prison, Amber. So don't worry. I'm fine." He would always say that.

 

"Dad said Taemin is making so much improvement. He can really walk now." Jinki stated as he enclosed her in his arms. She was going to leave and he wanted to give her a reason to be happy because their goodbyes were always the saddest.

"It's all thanks to you. You give him strength. Thank you, oppa." Amber murmured really close to his left ear. She then lightly pecked his left cheek just to show her gratitude.

"See you soon, Amber." He patted her head and she grinned closing her eyes in contentment.

"Soon."

 

"Sister?" Jinki jumped when he heard Jonghyun's voice from behind as he watched Amber go off.

"Huh?" He cluelessly asked.

"Was that your sister?"

"Oh, no."

"Your girlfriend?"

"No. Just a special friend." Jinki started walking away from the visiting area and Jonghyun followed him.

"So she's just a friend? It doesn't seem like it. You two looked sweet earlier. You're really not dating her? But—"

"Why are you asking so much things about her?" Jinki cut him off turning around to face him before he could start bombarding Jinki with hundreds of question. Jinki was sure Jonghyun could think of more than a hundred questions that were connected to Amber.

"Well, you really look like a couple. And she's the only one who visits you aside from your parents. Don't you have other friends? Do you have any siblings? Why don't you—"

"Why are you so suddenly interested in my personal life?" He interrupted him again with a dominant tone. Jinki hated feeling like he was being interrogated. Although he had all the answers, he just couldn't take it. He rolled his eyes when Jonghyun couldn't answer. They were doing fine till Jonghyun started taking interest in the personal stuff.

"Sorry. It's just that you never talk about your family or friends. I'm just curious."

"I don't want to talk about them. I thought that was clear."

"It's not clear for me. Sorry for being slow and stupid. I'll stop asking from now on." Jonghyun said with bitterness in his voice. Jinki sighed. He knew Jonghyun was too sensitive and he didn't want any drama. And Jonghyun had been so nice to him from the start. He should at least return his kindness in some way. He was really being unfair to him. Jonghyun had told him everything about him but he had not told him even a thing about himself. Sure, Jinki wasn't making Jonghyun talk or whatever but to be fair, he thought he should at least tell him a thing or two about himself.

 

"I have a brother." Jinki started from that. Then each time he talked to Jonghyun, he would say another thing about him till he became an open book to him. That wasn't his main plan but he didn't mind because he honestly felt so much better after releasing some things to someone other than Amber. And Jonghyun had been a great listener. He didn't voice out his opinion or anything, he just nodded once in a while just to make Jinki understand that he was still listening. Sometimes, Jinki would tear up from the sad memories that were crawling into his head and Jonghyun could only stroke his back and tell him "It's okay. I'm right here. Stop crying.". He realized his problems were nothing compare to Jinki's. Jinki had been through so much for the past two years. Jonghyun just thought that he couldn't complain anymore about his life.

 

"Hi. You must be Amber. I'm Jonghyun, Jinki's friend. I know you don't know me but I've heard so many nice things about you. I hope we can be good friends too." Jonghyun was talking without any pauses again. Amber was just creasing her forehead as she looked at Jinki with a weirded smile while Jinki just awkwardly smiled back not even trying to cut Jonghyun off.

 

"Jjong, can you...?" Jinki glanced at him and Jonghyun easily understood what he was trying to say.

"Oh, okay. See you again, Amber." Jonghyun stood up from his seat.

"Yeah, nice meeting you."

 

"He's a new friend?" Amber asked with a whispering voice when Jonghyun was far enough. Jinki slightly nodded.

"He knows about me?" Jinki nodded again in response.

"He knows about Taemin?" And once again he nodded.

 

Amber didn't ask much about him after that. There was nothing much to ask anyway since Jonghyun would always tell her things about him even if she never bothered asking. And she was glad that Jinki found a friend. He needed one at times like that, at times that she couldn't be around always.

 

Jonghyun had become Jinki's best friend in the army and vice versa. Jonghyun, who used to be friends with everyone, was just always with Jinki and he never left him alone. If they weren't crouching beside each other behind the army apartment, they were probably in the bedroom lying next to each other on Jinki's bed in the corner and chatting about some senseless stuff separated from everyone else. After a while, Jinki just became really used to it and he wasn't displeased having Jonghyun's company. He didn't want to admit it, but he actually liked the younger man's company. He grew to like it. Not just his company but Jonghyun himself. He thought he was becoming so weird, weirder than he already was. And he felt even weirder when they were having a mini concert in spring of 2012 and Jonghyun volunteered to perform a self written song. He looked so different on stage. He didn't seem like a cute talkative kid that Jinki always saw. He seemed like he was made to be and to perform on any stage, like he fitted perfectly there. To add was his song and the way he sang it. There was so much passion. Anyone could tell how much he adored making and writing music. If Jonghyun was an idol, Jinki would surely be his fan. How Jinki enjoyed that barely five-minute performance. If he could watch Jonghyun sing all day, he would. It was that addictive. He was that addictive.

 

 _No, Jinki. You can't._  Jinki thought it was wrong. He was one of those people who thought liking someone with the same sex was wrong, who thought it was impossible, improbable. Because that was the mentality he grew up with. That when they were finally out of the army, he tried to push Jonghyun away. And was it hard. Not just because they were in the same classes again, but also because he was Kim Jonghyun. In a short period of time, he had become so important to Jinki and it was the thing that he was avoiding and he was scared about. He was so afraid that someone would mean so much to him again and then that someone might be taken away from him again.  _Don't let anyone be too important in your life AGAIN._  That was the only rule he made and he had to follow but he failed to follow it and now he was suffering once more.

 

"Go away, Jonghyun." He uttered one evening when Jonghyun was following him home again.

"Are you okay? Did something happen to your brother?" Jonghyun worriedly asked when Jinki started acting so cold to him all of a sudden. Sure, Jinki always acted cold towards him but somehow there was still his warmth within it. That time, though, it was different.

"It's not about him. It's  _you_." Jinki finally stopped from walking and turned to face Jonghyun who looked bewildered.

"Why are you still following me around like a helpless dog? We're not in the army anymore. Leave me alone. I'm getting tired of you." It sounded like a line he would say to break up with someone. He thought he sounded so ridiculous but it seemed like it really hurt Jonghyun's feelings because when he looked into his eyes, they were sad.

"Who are you to care anyway? I never asked you to care—" Jinki cut himself off and sighed before he rubbed his forehead and squatted. He was so confused his head was hurting.

"What the hell am I saying?" He said under his breath before he looked up at Jonghyun who was still immobilized from Jinki's words.

"Jonghyun, I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. I didn't mean any of that." Jinki got up and puffed his cheeks before he released the air he trapped inside his mouth.

"You've been a great friend, so great I should be thanking you for everything you've done for me. I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve to have a friend like you." Jinki messed his hair up then covered his face with his palms. He was a bit ashamed for acting that way. He stooped a little low. He thought.

 

"You need a drink. Let's go." Jonghyun nudged him a little with his elbow. Jinki removed his hands from his face and glanced at Jonghyun. His eyes weren't sad anymore. They were just Jonghyun's usual eyes, the gaze that he normally gave Jinki. It was calming and appeasing that Jinki just tailed him.

 

Jonghyun brought Jinki to his home. It was Jinki's first time there. He knew Jonghyun lived with his parents and his older sister(Jonghyun had mentioned it twice before and it seemed important to remember so Jinki tried to keep it in his head) but the house was empty. It was just the two of them and a black-brownish puppy that Jinki assumed was the dachshund   that Jonghyun was talking about just a couple of weeks ago. He didn't ask Jonghyun about his family and just followed him around the house. Jonghyun grabbed a can of beer from the fridge and gave it to Jinki before he lead him to his room. Jinki started talking and explaining himself as they sat on Jonghyun's small bed. He used his brother as an excuse of behaving that way earlier telling him he just missed his little brother so much and he was worried again when the truth was he was just really confused of how he felt. For him. For Jonghyun.

 

He had not opened the can of beer yet. And honestly he didn't want to drink any. He only played with it with his hands letting the coldness of the can pass to his palms. Jonghyun watched him as he did it. He could tell there was something else bothering him. It became quiet. Jinki didn't know what else to tell him. He put down his drink on the wooden floor before he hit his forehead continuously. Jonghyun grabbed his forearm to cease him from hurting himself. A tear had already fallen from Jinki's right eye.

 

"Stop, Jinki. What's the real problem?" Jonghyun asked pulling Jinki's arm down. Jinki blinked slowly as he looked over at Jonghyun who just wiped the tear with his thumb. The younger man knew him so well already. The only thing he didn't know was Jinki's growing feelings for him. Or so Jinki thought because as he parted his lips to speak up, Jonghyun had already pressed his lips against his.

 

 _Is it wrong? It's wrong_. Jinki said in his head. He could feel Jonghyun was going to move away but he grabbed the back of Jonghyun's neck and pulled him close again.  _No, it isn't wrong. It doesn't feel wrong_. Jinki deepened the kiss while Jonghyun allowed him placing his palm on Jinki's lap.  _It feels right. It feels so right_. He screamed in his head endlessly like their kiss. It wasn't like his kiss with Amber that felt so wrong in every way that he looked at it. It was so right he couldn't ask for more.

 

Jonghyun explained how he had always admired Jinki. Well, actually he envied him. Jonghyun first saw him in one of their common classes and was he every professor's favorite. Jinki was praised by all professors and Jonghyun couldn't understand why. Truthfully, he understood. Jinki was a diligent student, always said the right things but was very humble. He wasn't the type who bragged about his perfect marks and great performance in class. Jonghyun envied him for that but he couldn't get himself to hate Jinki because he looked like a good person, like he didn't deserve to be hated on. He watched Jinki descend from his amazing school performance after that first semester. The jolly old Jinki was soon gone and he was always away from everyone else. He shut off himself from everyone and he did awful in some of his classes. Jonghyun easily recognized him when he entered the army. They entered on the same day with the same group of people. Jonghyun finally had the courage to talk to him. The main plan was just to make friends and to try to know what had happened to him but eventually, he started feeling some things for the guy after some conversations and chitchats. Jonghyun didn't know what he saw in Jinki that made him so special in his eyes but he didn't regret anything. He liked Jinki and that's what he was sure of.

 

He wouldn't have kissed Jinki if he hadn't had known that Jinki was feeling something for him too. He could feel it from Jinki's sometimes odd actions. Like how he sometimes awkward whenever Jonghyun smiled at him or something similar to that.

 

It was so hard to admit, but Jinki was finally able to say it. There was no reason to hide it anymore when he practically made out with Jonghyun in his bedroom.

 

So they started going out. Jinki would smile openly again whenever he was with Jonghyun. He hated PDAs. Well, he was just not really used to it so he never held hands with Jonghyun or do anything with him in public. He told Jonghyun he wanted to slow things down a bit. He was still new to everything and Jonghyun agreed since Jinki was quite sweet and tender when it was just the two of them.

 

However, Jinki kept it a secret from Amber. He was scared to know her reaction. Whenever the three of them hung out, Jonghyun had to be careful not to be too touchy to Jinki, not to be too obvious. How much he detested it. Jinki and Amber were always so sweet with each other even when he was around and he was getting quite jealous. What's worse was that Jinki never bothered to ask if he was alright about it, as if Jinki never cared about how he felt. Jonghyun was beginning to think that Jinki didn't really like him and just pitied him or some sort. So he confronted Jinki about it asking him straightforwardly about his worries and jealousy, telling Jinki he was serious about whatever they had but if Jinki couldn't be open about it, they should just end it. But Jinki didn't want things between them to end. He truly liked Jonghyun more than he could imagine. He didn't want to lose him so soon. So Jinki took Jonghyun's hand right away interlocking their fingers together before he planted a swift kiss on Jonghyun's lips. He then started dragging him somewhere—to Amber's place. Amber felt a little lost when he saw the two men in front of her apartment but it wasn't long when she noticed their hands together.

 

"Jonghyun is," Jinki paused as he glanced at Jonghyun with a small smile before looking back at Amber again.

"He's my boyfriend." Jonghyun widened his eyes. Jinki finally defined what they had, labeled him as his boyfriend to be exact and he was just really happy to hear it coming right from Jinki's mouth. Jinki was squeezing Jonghyun's hand as he waited for Amber to react. She only smiled in the most genuine way and it was enough for Jinki to know she didn't mind and that she was happy for them. She really was. She knew there was something special about Jonghyun when he was able to make Jinki open up to him and was able to stay beside him during those times when Jinki was in his worst, when no one else tried to understand him or to talk to him, Jonghyun was there.

 

///

 

"I really love him, Taemin." Jinki simply said after recalling everything Jonghyun had done and had gone through because of him. Jinki could make a list of the reasons why he was so in love with the shorter man but a sheet wouldn't even be enough.

"Do mom and dad know?" Taemin inquired as he batted his eyes a few times. Jinki shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment.

"They won't understand. Like how they didn't understand how I felt when they lied to us and when your biological parents just took you away from us." Jinki was actually just scared to see how his parents would react. And Jonghyun didn't push him to tell his parents since he knew how distant Jinki was from his parents. Jonghyun's parents were really understanding and it didn't even bother them. Jinki was well accepted in their family.

 

The doorbell suddenly rang that startled the two. It was Jonghyun at the door when Jinki opened it. He was biting his lower lip and was worriedly looking at Jinki.

 

"I shouldn't have left like that. I should've helped you explain everything to Taemin." Jonghyun stated as soon as he was able to form the right words in his head. Taemin got up from the couch and walked over them. Jonghyun seemed uneasy when Taemin gazed at him. Even his brother looked a bit anxious. Taemin felt so much bigger than the both of them from the faces they were giving him.

 

Taemin took Jinki's left hand that was resting at his side, then he grabbed Jonghyun's right hand before he put them together letting the two hold hands.

 

"I understand, hyung." He muttered and lightly grinned reassuring both Jinki and Jonghyun. The couple looked at each other, both their eyes smiling. Taemin could tell the two were talking through their eyes and it was astonishing to see.

"Just," he interrupted their moment, "slow things down because I still need to get used to this." Jinki and Jonghyun both chuckled. Jonghyun arched his back as he laughed, his grip on Jinki's hand even tighter.

"You really are brothers." He said and jolted his head.

"Jinki said the exact same thing when we were just starting."

 

The three of them went to the gig together. Taemin was so bright watching the band play and cheering them on like he had been a fan for a long time. Jinki stood next to his little brother, his arm over his shoulders, his finger playing with Taemin's now short hair as he gazed up at Jonghyun in the middle of the stage staring back at him with the widest smile.


	10. 10

"Are you sure you don't wanna come with us?" Jinki put his backpack over his right shoulder gazing at his brother who was drying his hair with his towel and sitting comfortably cross legged on the couch.

"I'm sure, hyung. I don't want to witness too much of you and Jonghyun hyung." Taemin responded putting down the damp towel on his lap.

 

"Did Jonghyun...?" Taemin was already laughing at the face Jinki was making. He stood up from the sofa and pushed Jinki to the door. Jonghyun was leaning against the doorframe looking so impatient. Well, he had been standing there for over five minutes now.

"We'll be back tomorrow before lunch. If you need anything, call me. If you can't contact me, ring Jjong. If he doesn't answer, call the other band memb—"

"I'll be fine, hyung. Just go." Taemin roughly pushed his shoulder that made him glare at the younger male. Jonghyun chuckled.

"Tell mom and dad that we'll come but not today. Tomorrow."

"I've already told them that. Now go. Jonghyun hyung, pull him out, please." Jonghyun nodded and grabbed Jinki's upper arm. Jinki gave up and hurriedly inserted his feet in his sneakers.

"Don't burn the apartment down!" Jinki warned him. Not that he didn't trust Taemin.

"Have fun at your outing!" Taemin waved at them.

 

"What did you tell him? He doesn't want to come because you told him something."

"I didn't tell him anything."

"Be honest with me."

"I didn't say anything, I swear!"

 

Taemin could hear them bicker as he closed the door. He shook his head and threw himself on the sofa again. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. He would changed the channel every minute and in fifteen minutes, he was already bored. Now he was thinking if he did the right thing not accepting the band's invitation to the outing. He was already thinking how fun it would be—playing all evening, going to the hot spring, eating anything they want, not getting bored.

 

His eyes suddenly landed on the picture frames on the shelves. He slid his legs off the couch and got up. He then walked towards the shelves and stared at the photos. He leaned over to see clearer. He was only looking at the photo of Jinki and Amber. The one that made him freeze on his first day there. Now he could look at it easily. Jinki was in a Stitch onesie while Amber was in a Pikachu onesie. They were doing a weird but adorable pose with an arm each stretched to the side and the other upward(like powerrangers). They were adorable. He assumed Amber made Jinki wear that onesie. Taemin could imagine how many ridiculous things Amber forced Jinki to do. He suddenly remembered Amber's letters. He had been reading them starting from the first letters that she decided not to send him. He wished he could read the first ones. He wished his mother didn't throw them away so maybe that could be a good reason to forgive them.

 

He grabbed the box that was sitting beside his bed and took it out to the living room. He stooped down on the floor and adjusted a little to find a comfortable position. Afterwards, he finally took out a letter(he finished reading those of the year 2011 and he was on the first letters of 2012) and began reading. All Amber wrote was how he felt alone and lonely without Jinki around and of course without him around. Some of the letters had photos in it. She also talked about Jonghyun and how odd he was and how she couldn't understand why Jinki would befriend someone so different from him, someone who was completely his opposite. She was basically redundant most of the time because nothing new was happening to her but at the same time, she tried to write different things, like maybe some new phrases or proverbs that she newly memorized. And the new Korean meals she just learnt(she said she had been learning because Jinki wasn't there to cook for her anymore and she wanted to cook for Taemin once he comes back). Most of her letters seemed bright and positive, rare did she write about sad things. Taemin would know she was sad while writing whenever there were smeared words or if she started with something like "I dreamt of you". They were always nightmares.

 

He stopped reading when he heard the sudden downpour outside the slightly opened window. He looked outside. It was a really heavy rain. He wished it was snowing. Although he hated the cold weather, he liked the snow. But he guessed it was still too early for the snow to come. He looked at the clock on the wall. It was quarter to seven. He read for nearly three hours. But at least it didn't bore him. He really liked reading all Amber's letters with her voice in his mind as if it was her that was reading them for him.

 

 _How is she?_  He wondered stretching his legs out and leaning his head backward closed eyed.  _She probably hates me right now_. He groaned because he knew he messed up again. He always did. But he knew, this time, he could correct his mistakes. He could do anything now that he learned the truth.

 

He had pizza margherita for dinner since he couldn't and he wasn't allowed to touch the hub or anything that produced heat or fire in the kitchen. He couldn't even boil some water for some instant noodles. Jinki trusted him, but not in any kitchen stuff.

 

He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket but he never looked at it and just let it pass. His biological parents had been calling since that morning but he had also been ignoring them. He thought it was alright to be mad at them. Well, he wasn't even that mad. He was just a little disappointed that his parents acted that way, perhaps, out of frustration. He wanted to make things pass. He'd eventually call them himself when he's ready.

 

He later pondered if Amber was ready to talk to him. Sure, it had only been a few days since the scene he made, but he really wanted to see her and apologize.  _Seeing her would be enough even if she doesn't forgive me_. He said in his mind lying on his stomach on the sofa and taking out his phone from his pocket. He stared at Amber's number on the screen. He wanted to call her but he wasn't sure if it was the right time. His right thumb was ready to press her number but, of course, he was hesitant, like there was some kind of force that was stopping him. Well, it was just his mind telling him not to. But his heart was pushing him to do it. In the end, after ten minutes of shaking his thumb, he finally pressed it against the screen.

 

He nervously waited for her to answer as he breathed heavily.

 

"Hello? Who's this?" He turned his body around and sat up when he heard her voice. He gasped.

"Hello?" She said once again but he couldn't say a word. He could just feel his mouth dry up.

"This is just a prank call, isn't it? Whoever you are, I have no time for this so I'm hangi—"

"It's me." Taemin finally spoke up. He didn't have to say his name because he knew Amber would recognize his voice. She did but this time, she was the one tongue-tied.

"Can we... can we talk?" He stammered rubbing his thigh with his trembling hand. Amber still wasn't talking. Taemin could only hear her breathing.

"It's okay if you don't want to. You're probably—"

"Sure." Taemin became even more nervous than he already was.

"Yeah? Should I go to you?"

"No. I'll be there in thirty minutes."

"But it's raining,"

"It's okay."

"Okay. See you then."

"See you."

 

He felt like his nerves were going to stick out and his heart was going to explode from too much anxiety. He didn't think she'd actually agree to talk to him on that exact day. He wasn't even prepared. He didn't know what to tell her. He used those thirty minutes to think but nothing entered his mind. All he thought about was her face and how she'd look at him once she was in front of him, what she'd say. He was sure she got so much to say.

 

He chewed on his lower lip. He was even more nervous than he thought. He breathed in deeply before he released as much air as he could. It didn't help. His heartbeat went crazy fast when the doorbell buzzed. He wasn't ready yet. He thought that he could never be ready, but she was already there at the door waiting for him to open it and he knew he shouldn't keep her waiting so he puffed out some air again as he walked towards the front door. His hand was shaking when he touched the doorknob and turned it. Amber was standing, up and down on her toes and heels, her hands on both of her sides with one holding a soaked black umbrella from the rain.

 

"Um—come in." Taemin made way for her and so she entered putting down the umbrella on the side before she took off her thick coat and hang it on the hook.

 

"Our talk... will it take long?" Amber asked hesitant to sit down or get comfortable.

"I don't know, but, please, sit down." So Amber sat down on the sofa and, from her position, she easily spotted her box of letters that were beside the center table just inches away from her feet. She pretended she didn't notice though Taemin obviously knew she saw it.

"Hyung is with the band—"

"I know. He told me." Her voice sounded so cold. It wasn't like her at all.

 

A silence easily followed. Taemin looked at the time. It was nearly 9. Amber was looking at the time as well. It seemed like she didn't want to be there for too long. Even if Taemin wanted to let her go immediately, he couldn't because he still didn't know where to start or how to start his speech. He bit his lips, both lower and upper. Amber watched him as he did it. She wanted to stop him because it was unhealthy but she couldn't get herself to do it. She just shook her head bearing down her hands on the couch as she got up. If he wasn't gonna talk, she had no plans on talking either.

 

Taemin clasped her hand in the middle of the hall way. He couldn't let her slip away like that. He needed to figure what to say right that instant or she might never come back to him again.

 

"Taemin," Amber faced him lightly pulling away from his grip.

"I can't stay here with you for too long. It hurts me."

"Then just hit me," Taemin stated grabbing both of her wrists.

"Hit me then maybe it'll lessen the pain." He shortly added as he pulled up her hands leveling them to his cheeks. He straightened her hands before he slapped himself with them. Amber widened her eyes, her brows corrugated. Soon, her eyes were teary. She was fighting Taemin's urge to hit himself with her own hands.

"Stop that, Taemin, please." She begged as a tear finally dropped.

"I don't want you to beat yourself up." Amber gently cupped his face without applying any force. Then she caressed his cheeks knowing they were hurting a little. She looked deep into his eyes, he was too. They were both drowning again. Her eyes were like a river flowing to the sea. And his were like a typhoon ready to flood every city.

 

"I'm sorry, noona. I'm really sorry." He was getting tired of apologizing. He had been saying the same words over and over again but he didn't know what else to say. His hands were still over hers. He tilted his head a little to the side to feel her warm hands better.

"No, don't be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong." Amber kept shaking her head.

"I did everything wrong. But I'm trying to mend everything. I'm trying to mend us. I want to mend us."

 

"I love you, noona." He murmured almost like a whisper. Amber smiled as tears flowed down her cheeks continuously, endlessly perhaps.

 

Taemin panicked. Now he was the one enclosing her face with his palms as he wiped her tears with his thumbs but they just kept streaming down. He didn't know how to stop her from crying. As much as he was happy to know that they were tears of joy, he still wanted them to go away. He just wanted her smile. That would be enough. He had no other idea in his mind but kiss her. So he kissed her, his lips against her lips, this time, as softly as he could. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. Amber closed her eyes as she placed her hands on his shoulders, returning his soft kisses. She couldn't hold back anymore and neither could he. Taemin just pulled her closer, parting their lips a little for air before they met once again, the kiss even deeper than before.

 

Taemin then placed a hand on her waist as he led her to the bedroom, still with their lips attached, inseparable. He closed the door before placing his hand back to her waist and delicately laying her on his bed, her legs hanging on the side of the bed. They broke off their kiss but with their lips having only a centimeter distance in between. They both gasped, breathing in the air the other breathed out. Their eyes were fixed with one another, both wanting for more.

 

"I love you," Amber breathed and it sent chills down to Taemin's spine. It was different from reading those words in her letters. Hearing it from her was even more beautiful. Amber grinned, no more tears falling from her eyes. He blinked and before he knew it, she had pulled the back of his neck and their lips were once again fixed with each other.

 

They knew where everything was going when he held her hips to help her body shift on the bed as she unawarely lifted his shirt off running her hands on the small of his back.

 

<<< 

 

Amber could feel the sun ray strike her face seeping through the curtains and through the glass windows. The rain had stopped. She slowly blinked until her vision was clear. And the first thing she saw was his face, his beautiful face with his eyes opened, searching. Amber smiled as she wrapped one arm on his bare waist under the duvet they were sharing, pulling him closer.

 

"Morning," she mumbled, her eyes were staring back at his.

"Morning,"

"How long have you been staring?" She kiddingly asked with a silent chuckle.

"Two hours... or more. Not sure." But the way Taemin responded, she knew he was serious.

"It all still feels like a dream." He said settling his hand on her cheek, caressing it. Amber could only smile. Even for her, she felt like she was in a trance. Waking up next to him was beyond her imagination.

"Ah, but I'm not dreaming. I can feel your skin." He whispered and she hummed in agreement before she leaned forward and linked lips with him. She then buried her face in his chest feeling it raise and alight as he breathed. She could hear his heartbeat in sync with hers.

 

"So what does this make us?" Taemin asked though he thought it was a really stupid question but at the same time it wasn't because he really didn't know and he wanted to know so badly. Amber arched her neck backward to look at him.

"What do you want us to be?" She asked back. Anything would be alright for her.

"Is it okay if I ask you to be my girlfriend or is it too early for that?" Taemin wasn't rushing things. He had always wanted her to be his girlfriend. He didn't ask 8 years ago since he thought he was still young and it was too early. And he thought if he asked back then, she wouldn't take him seriously since he was only a kid.

"It's more than okay. I like it." Amber kissed his chin before she sank her face in his chest again.

"Does that make me your boyfriend?" Now that was sort of a stupid question. Amber only chuckled against his skin that tickled him a little.

 

"What time is it?" She mumbled her face still sunken in his chest.

"Seven something." It was nearly eight in the morning.

"You should sleep more. I'm just gonna shower and make you breakfast." Amber pulled her hand away from his waist but Taemin easily grabbed it obviously not wanting her to be distant from him even for a second.

"I'm not gonna leave, okay? Now sleep." She covered his eyes with her palms closing them for him and he finally let her go.

 

After taking a warm shower(she didn't have to search for some extra towels and toothbrush since Jinki used to hate how alone he felt after Taemin left years ago with only a towel hanging on the peg and only a toothbrush in the cup near the sink so he let Amber settle her personal things in the apartment. And she basically lived there before Taemin even came back), she went to the kitchen straightaway and started preparing their breakfast. She decided to prepare cantonese fried rice since he loved rice so much. She only hoped he'd like it.

 

"Taemin? Are you touching the stove?" Amber heard Jinki's voice with obvious worries. She chuckled.

"It's me, oppa." She said loud enough for Jinki to hear her and quiet enough not to wake Taemin up.

"Amber? What are you doing here?" Jinki was very puzzled seeing her in their apartment so early in the morning. He put his backpack on the seat at the table.

"Making breakfast." She half-jokingly answered.

"Let's just say Taemin and I are okay now." She shortly said when she saw Jinki's a little skeptical expression.

"We talked last night." She added though she wasn't sure if they really had  _the talk_. But she couldn't care less. They were really okay now.

"I thought you'd arrive at lunch time so I decided to come here early to prepare breakfast for your kid brother." Amber swirled to face the hub and mixed the peas with the frying rice. She lied about being there only that morning. Jinki didn't have to know what exactly happened.

 

Jinki sat on a free seat still weirded by everything. There was something off, well, not exactly off but something more to Amber's explanation. He just couldn't ask her.

 

"Smells yummy, Amber." Jonghyun appeared behind Jinki putting his hands on his shoulders and squeezing them. Jinki looked up at him. Jonghyun was clearly confused seeing Amber there but only Jinki could tell. Amber couldn't read Jonghyun's face instead she just grinned at him and thanked him.

 

"Would you mind setting the table? I'll wake Taemin up." Amber turned off the hub and washed her hand.

"No, not at all!" Jonghyun answered for the both of them and started rumbling in the drawer to grab some pairs of chopsticks.

 

Amber walked to the bedroom and shut the door just trying to be careful for the couple not to see them. She crawled up the bed and bended forward as she kissed his forehead.

 

"Wake up. Your brother's back."

"Hmm."

"Dress up. Let's all have breakfast together." She whispered just behind his right ear but he only hummed in response again. She sighed in defeat and got off from the bed.

 

"He doesn't want to wake up."

"I'll get him." Jinki pushed back his chair and stood up.

 

He opened the door to Taemin's room and stopped at the door. Now he was really sure there was definitely something differently odd in the room, more specific, in the bed. Other than Taemin's crumpled shirt and pants on the back rest of the chair in the corner of the room, the bed was all messed up. Too messed up. The bed sheets were all too creased and wrinkled. And Taemin, who usually slept in the middle of the bed, was then sleeping on the left side and was evidently leaving the right side empty for someone. Lastly, Taemin was naked. He never slept naked. The boy hated sleeping shirtless or anything similar.  _Did they...?_

 

"Good morning, hyung. How was the outing?" Taemin yawned after sitting up.

"Uh, it was good... Get up and let's eat." Jinki hurriedly left. He didn't wanna ask. No way he would ever discuss such thing with Taemin. His little brother was not a kid anymore and it was none of his business anyway.

 

Taemin looked really blissful when he got out of the room, like he really had a good night sleep and nothing could ruin his day. He really hoped nothing would ruin his day. The four of them had a wonderful breakfast together. It was still a bit awkward for Jinki but it wasn't that much noticeable since he was also very delighted to finally be in what he believed was a happy state. Taemin and Amber were smiling so genuinely, so truly. They were smiling at each other, their eyes shining brighter than the sun, sparkling like the stars. Their smiles weren't the same childish smiles like before. They were still sheepish but they were full of love. Then the love of his life was there beside him. He couldn't ask for more.

 

"Hyung, let's bring them with us to Gyeonggi!" Taemin cheerfully suggested as they all helped each other clear up the table.

"What?"

"Yeah, it'll be fun. Mom and dad miss Amber noona," He paused glancing at Amber who was wiping the table before he gazed back at his brother who was doing the washing up but was then looking at the younger with bubbles in his hands.

"And don't you think it's time to finally introduce Jonghyun hyung to them?"

"What?" Jinki asked again, both him and Jonghyun were a bit stunned by Taemin's statement.

 

"Jonghyun hyung, you wanna meet our parents, right?" Taemin turned to Jonghyun who was just beside Jinki leaning against the countertop. Jonghyun was looking at his boyfriend completely not sure of what to answer.

"Yeah, I guess, but not against Jinki's will." Jonghyun jolted a little as he wiped the bubbles off from Jinki's hands with a rag.

"But you've been together for over two years. Amber noona, you're with me on this, right?" Taemin asked for her opinion since he knew she would take his side. And she did. She agreed with a tiny nod. Jinki looked at Amber in disbelief. Amber just shrugged. She had been suggesting the same thing for a while now. She just thought that Jinki was being unfair to Jonghyun who was just being the most understanding boyfriend ever. Jonghyun did introduce Jinki to his parents(proudly, like he was showing off Jinki to his own parents, as how Jinki told Amber the the story) immediately after they had become official. Jinki was still indecisive.

"Jinki hyung, mom and dad will love you for whoever or whatever you are. They will understand." Taemin reassured with a pacified smile forming on his face.

 

Before he knew it, Jinki was already in his carseat turning the key to start the car. Jonghyun was timidly sitting still on the front seat next to him, Amber and Taemin were on the backseat playing with Amber's phone, probably taking photos together. He couldn't help but smile. The two were really back to normal, they were comfy and warm around each other. He looked at the man beside him.  _Taemin is right_. He thought. For the first time, Taemin was right. He was right about presenting Jonghyun to his parents, he was right about their parents's understanding. Heck, he even thought he should've introduced Jonghyun a long time ago. He was lucky to have known the younger man, but he was even luckier to be his lover. He should be the one showing Jonghyun off to his parents.

 

"Mom, dad, we're here!" Taemin yelled as he dragged Amber inside their home holding her hand tightly. Amber knew exactly what was Taemin planning to do and she didn't prepare for it.

 

"Hold my hand?" Jinki offered his hand after Jonghyun got down from the car and closed the door. Holding Jonghyun's hand was Jinki's way of comfort, of letting him know how much he loved the younger man. It was a simple gesture and it wasn't even the sweetest but he always won Jonghyun's heart with it.

"You sure?" Jonghyun hesitated.

"Never been this sure in my whole life." Jinki wiggled his fingers impatiently waiting for Jonghyun's hand to be united with his.

"Stop Acting shy and just hold my hand." Jinki rolled his eyes. Jonghyun finally grabbed his hand and they walked in side by side. Jinki's hand was so soft and it was really comforting. But Jonghyun's hand was getting clammy  from nervousness and fear. It was even sweatier than Jinki's hand on normal basis.

 

When they entered, Taemin was already presenting Amber to his parents as if it was their first time meeting her. Well, technically, it was their first time meeting her as Taemin's girlfriend. Mr and Mrs Lee were a little surprised, even Jinki and Jonghyun. But it wasn't a bad kind of surprise. They were all happy for the both of them, especially for Taemin who had always wished to be with Amber. One of the reasons why mr and mrs Lee were so nice to Amber because they knew how much Taemin adored her and she was the one who always told them about Jinki when he was aloof from them.

 

Taemin noticed that his brother and Jonghyun were already in the same room and so he whispered to his parents "act normal". Before telling his parents about Amber being his girlfriend, he told them about Jinki's confession so they wouldn't give the same surprised expression as they just did. He wanted Jinki to trust his parents again.

 

"Mom, dad," Jinki pulled Jonghyun, who was hiding behind him. Jonghyun stood beside Jinki his whole body trembling.

"I'd like you to meet Jonghyun... my boyfriend." Jinki tightened his hold of Jonghyun's hand. That was his way of securing him and making him know it's alright.

"Hello, mr and mrs Lee. It's a pleasure to finally meet you." Jonghyun bowed a complete 90 degree. Mr Lee patted the side of his arm and smiled.

"So you're the one that has been taking great care of our eldest. Thank you so much." Mr Lee gave him a hearty grin and so did Mrs Lee.

 

Taemin finally felt  _complete_. That was how imagined everything should and would be. And he couldn't believe it was happening. As they had their bounty meal, Taemin was picturing how nice it would be if everyday they were always like that, well, not everyday, at least every weekend. Complete and contented with obvious joy in all of their eyes. The future seemed so bright for him. And he had finally decided. He had finally made a conclusion of his trip back to where he comes from. And he was certain, sure, positive of the decision he had made.

 

"No, you did not."

"Yes, I did."

"Why?"

"I wanna read them."

 

Amber was just helping mrs Lee wash the dishes and put the kitchen in order earlier and when she was finally done, she spotted Taemin sitting cross legged on the side of the couch and taking out some colored papers from his bag and when she went closer, she realized they were her letters. She sat beside him grasping the envelopes from Taemin's hands but he hid them behind him. He had a cheeky smile and Amber only narrowed her eyes.

 

"You gave them to me so you can't take them back." Taemin said looking at the letters and thinking which one to read first. He picked one out and put the rest in his backpack pushing it far away from Amber's reach.

"Okay, but don't read it aloud." Amber gave up and just sat up straight next to him. Taemin smirked.

"Hello, Taemin-ee. How are you?" Taemin started and chuckled evilly.

"Taemin! Don't!" Amber tried to grab the scented sheet of paper from him but Taemin raised his arm in the air so Amber couldn't really reach it. But unlike earlier, Amber didn't surrender so easily. She easily thought of a great tactic of revenge. She wriggled the fingers of both of her hands and in flash she attacked Taemin's sides and tickled him. Amber overpowered him knowing his weakness although that was her weakness too and Taemin remembered so he did the same to her. The room was filled with Amber's squeals and Taemin's wicked laughter.

 

Mrs Lee was leaning against the doorframe as she watched Taemin and Amber banter. She suddenly felt something rest on her shoulder and when she looked at her side, she saw her eldest. She sighed in contentment before she giggled seeing Jinki's knees bended to level himself to his mother.

 

"Stand straight." She patted his arm and so Jinki straightened his legs. Jinki put his hand over his mother's shoulders as he looked at where his mother was looking at.

"I told him the whole truth." He murmured that made her gazed over him. She looked troubled.

"Everything's alright now. No need to worry." Jinki had a reassuring smile and it calmed his mother.

"Will he stay?" She asked but Jinki only shrugged. It was never his plan to convince Taemin to stay. He just wanted his little brother to feel at home again, to feel like he still belonged. He wouldn't get mad if he chose to go back to his parents in Japan, as long as he they cleared things out, as long as there were no lies and secrets anymore. Whatever decision Taemin had made would be alright for him and for everyone.

 

"Jonghyun was that boy in the army, wasn't he?" Mrs Lee changed the subject. Of course, she noticed Jonghyun whenever she visited Jinki in the army. He always followed her son around that Jinki had to shoo him away every time his parents were there. It was hard not to notice Jonghyun. It actually seemed like he always wanted to be noticed specifically by Jinki's parents. Jinki lightly nodded.

"He's good to you, right?"

"He's the best. Sorry. I should've introduced him sooner." Jinki embraced his mother from her side and kissed her forehead. She missed her eldest's warmth and his gentle hugs.

"It's okay." It really was. She was just happy that he told them about him even if it took him over 2 years. At least he was really approaching them again, he was really trusting them again.

 

"Where is he by the way?" Mrs Lee wanted to get to know Jonghyun better but he was no where in sight.

"Dad is asking him about his music."

"What does your dad know about rock music? He only listens to folk and trot songs." Mrs Lee said and it made Jinki laugh. It was the truth.

 

They didn't stay there. They went back to Seoul after having dinner since they brought Amber and Jonghyun with them. But their parents promised to come visit them.

 

Taemin lied on his bed and quickly closed his eyes. That day was really tiring but was also fun. He opened his eyes and stared at the white ceiling. He really hoped everything ended there. He really hoped that there wouldn't be any problem left.

 

He pushed his worries aside and just took his phone to call Amber. He couldn't get enough of her. He wanted to recover all the wasted and lost times, all those days and nights without her. If he could spend every single day, hour, minute, second with her, he absolutely would. If he could marry her that exact moment, he would. But he chose not to. He wasn't in a hurry anyway.

 

 


	11. 11/Last

Amber invited Taemin to have a lunch date after her tiring classes saying that only Taemin could make her weariness go away and the male agreed responding that he'd go on dates with her even without any particular reason. She was his only reason.

 

They went to their favorite restaurant, it was a new restaurant that they had been going to for the past couple of days and their cuisines were quite delicious. They were actually trying new stuffs together thinking that it was a great way to start fresh and make great new memories. Anything that was new around their district or in the mall, they would check them out spending six hours straight together in a day. They would take pictures with Taemin's newly bought polaroid camera that he let Amber keep since he was afraid to break it too soon. They would buy some couple things—like matching sweaters or keychains—even if they both hated those kinds of things. They both thought whatever they were doing was funny yet cute and that was what was keeping them from doing all the cheesiest stuff together.

 

"Have you talked to your parents?" Amber asked when she noticed Taemin declining another call from his biological father and squeezing his phone in his back pocket. Taemin shook his head and played with his long pasta noodles in his bowl of ramyeon avoiding Amber's eyes.

"Taemin,"

"Amber noona," Taemin slowly looked at her talking all cutely and using his innocent eyes.

"You need to answer their calls. I'm sure that they'll call your parents here and bother them if you don't answer. You don't want that, do you?" Amber had better strategies than the younger.

"No, of course, I don't!" Taemin made a face feeling defeated. He fumed.

"I'll call them tonight." Taemin pouted as he leaned his elbow on the table. Amber giggled and swirled some noodles with her chopsticks.

"Finish this for me, please. Say ah." Taemin raised his head with his mouth hanging open and Amber shoved the noodles into his mouth. Amber giggled again.

 

"Chop chop! I want to take you somewhere." Amber put down her chopsticks and patted Taemin's arms.

"Where?"

"It's a surprise."

"I hate surprises."

"You love surprises."

"I do not."

"If I say you do, you do."

"Okay. I looove surprises." Taemin just agreed to make his girlfriend happy. Then he hurried eating as he was told.

 

When they got out of the restaurant, Amber covered Taemin's eyes with a blindfold and she led him to the place where she wanted to bring him. Taemin was getting nervous. He wasn't scared. Amber wouldn't bring him to somewhere dangerous. He was just really anxious.

 

Amber finally removed the blindfold. Taemin had a really blurry view and so he blinked for a few times. The first thing he saw was his and Amber's reflections. Amber was rubbing his side as a little smile formed on her face.

 

"Don't run away like last time, okay?" She murmured leaning her head on his shoulder as she stared at their reflection in the wall mirror. They were in the dance studio again.

"Promise me you won't run away." She looked up at him waiting for him to respond.

"I promise." Amber kissed him on the lips with a wider smile this time.

 

They sat at the center of the room their hands together on Taemin's lap. They had been quiet for over five minutes. Taemin's nervousness had been replaced by fear. He knew what Amber wanted to do, wanted to make him do and it still scared him. Amber wasn't pushing him to dance. She just wanted to conquer his fear of dancing again, little by little. He didn't have to dance on that exact moment. She just wanted him to remember all their old good memories there even if they were moving forward because Amber thought that some memories were worth keeping, the saddest memories even. But they only had wonderful memories in that tiny room so she thought they should at least keep those and forget the rest.

 

"Let's go?" Amber invited as she got up and dusted the back of her pants. Taemin got confused and it showed on his face.

"We've stayed here for too long. Let's go some place else." She helped him get up still with a bewildered face expression.

"We'll come back tomorrow." Amber grinned before she wrapped her arm around his.

"Sorry I rushed you last time." She whispered as they left the room.

 

The next day, they came back there again. They decided to squeeze it in their daily routine. That day, Amber played some old dance songs, the songs they used to dance to together. But still they sat down, their backs against the mirror wall. They just sat still, nodding their heads a little to the music and recalling the lyrics of some of the songs. Everything seemed so close yet so far away.

 

The day after that, they came back again. Amber played some more music but this time she was standing in front of Taemin telling him not to laugh at her because she had been working really hard to perfect what she was about to do, which was dance. She danced to Wonder Girls' Tell Me and Taemin covered his mouth trying to stop himself from laughing out loud. Amber tried to ignore his giggles. Instead, she pulled him up and wiggled their arms together making waves with them.

 

"Do you still remember the choreography?"

"Yes, but I won't dance to it."

"Why not?"

"It's a girlgroup's song."

"Ah, so you're embarrassed to dance to it now? But eight years ago, you would tease me because you danced to it better than I did." Amber put her hands on her waist and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm gonna change the song." Taemin ignored the look she was giving him and just searched for a better dance song.

"Super Junior! Super Junior! Super Junior!" Amber grabbed her phone from his hands. She had always loved Super Junior. She played Don't Don and looked at Taemin.

"Show me your moves, dance machine Lee Taemin." Amber put a hand on her waist and bended a little with a provocative look plastered on her face. Taemin sighed and walked towards the center of the room. He shook his arms and wriggled his fingers then he readied his feet as he tried to recall the dance steps. He tilted his head in both side like he was really warming up. He didn't really remember the dance anymore so in the end he danced some random moves he used to do. Random but still as great as before. Amber couldn't blink. She couldn't miss a moment of Taemin's magical movements. Magical because she just watched him in a daze. Just like the first time she saw him dance. There was obvious joy on her face when Taemin finally realized what he had been doing. He finally realized that he was dancing and it wasn't hurting him. His legs didn't hurt. And before he knew it, the sides of his lips curled up, his cheeks so puffy. He pulled Amber and embraced her tightly. He lifted her up from the floor and swirled her round and round till he was dizzy enough to stop.

 

"You're magic." Taemin said as he put her down. She shook her head.

"No, you're magic!" She cupped his face before they embraced each other again. They stayed that way for another minute or so before they started twirling and swaying around like there was no tomorrow. Taemin felt like he was stronger. His legs were firm and steady. He didn't feel like they were going to collapse. And it was all because of Amber.

 

They went home right after that because they wanted to tell Jinki about it even though they knew he wouldn't be home yet. They continued dancing on their way to the apartment not caring about the passers-by looking at them oddly and probably laughing at them. They didn't care if the others thought they were crazy because at least they were crazy together.

 

Amber wrapped her arms around Taemin's neck and kissed him on the lips. Taemin held her by her waist not wanting to let her slip away, not wanting the kiss they share to end.

 

When he finally let her go and when they continued walking towards the apartment hand in hand, still doing some dance movements, they saw Soojung standing right in front of the apartment building, her mouth hanging open in awe.

 

"W-what... what is—" Soojung couldn't form a complete sentence. Amber worriedly looked at Taemin who was also very troubled of Soojung's reaction.

"I'll go inside. Talk to her." Amber whispered before she slipped her hands away from his and rushed inside right past Soojung who was already looking at her furiously.

 

"Soojung, I'm really glad you're b—"

"What is all this, oppa? I was just away for a while!" Soojung's voice was screeching. She was furious.

"Soojung, there's no need to be mad. Jinki hyung and Amber noona didn't do anything wrong. They explained everything to me. The whole truth!" Taemin tried to calm her down with the way he spoke—excited and happy. He knew Soojung liked that. It always made Soojung smile because it was rare. But still, her expression didn't change.

"Amber noona and I..."

"Don't. I don't wanna hear it." Soojung cut him off. Well, she saw enough just moments ago. She didn't need for him to tell her.

 

"You still don't care about me or how I feel. I've always liked you. I've always made so much effort just for you to like me back. But I guess I'm just not that worth it, aren't I? Sure, I may be important to you but not as important as her, as that Amber. She'll always be right above me." Soojung was throwing her hands everywhere out of frustration. She didn't know how to express her pain and anger.

"Soojung, I'm really sorry." He didn't know what else to tell her. He wanted to like her. If he could force himself to feel something for her, he would. She was pretty and sweet, maybe a bit too mischievous for his taste but he actually liked that about her. Soojung looked beyond his stupidity and only recognized his great traits even if they were only few. And all those years of her being around helped him a lot. But sadly, he never felt that same way as she did. His feelings never grew to that level. Because, yes, Amber had remained in his heart all that time. And yes, Amber would always be much more important than her.

"Sorry? That's all you can say to me? Why am I not surprised?" Soojung's eyes were already teary. Taemin wanted to hold her but before he could even touch her, she had already pushed him by his chest and walked away.

 

Taemin sighed. He knew he needed to talk to her and explain everything but that day wasn't just the right time. Soojung needed to cool down first because he knew it could get ugly once she was mad.

 

Taemin just went upstairs to the flat. Amber gave him an anxious look. So he smiled letting her know there was nothing to worry about. Amber knew they didn't work things out but she wanted to trust Taemin on this.

 

Once Jinki came home with Jonghyun, the mood was all up again. Amber happily told the couple what happened a few hours ago. She started off with "Taem's dancing again!" exclaiming it with the highest pitch she had and as many times as she could. She was jumping up and down too. Taemin just let her be and let her tell the story. Amber then said that it was all planned out unlike before. She asked her psychology major friends about phobias or anything similar to it and how to conquer it. It was the reason why she didn't immediately make him dance the first day. It was all part of her plan. Taemin narrowed his eyes as he listened to her because he didn't know about it either. He could only shake his head as he grinned. Amber really wanted to help him with whatever problem he had and she succeeded. And with that, Taemin made another conclusion.

 

"I have an announcement to make!" He interrupted Amber while she was chitchatting with Jonghyun and as Jinki only listened at the side. They all looked at him curiously.

"I'm taking noona with me to Japan." He declared with a mighty voice and the three only had their eyes wide open as reaction. Taemin's smile became bigger.

"For christmas vacation. If that's alright with you?" He was asking everyone, not just Amber. All their shocked faces finally softened. Amber glanced at Jinki first because she felt like his opinion and permission always mattered. Jinki gave her a little nod before she looked at her boyfriend, her eyes already twinkling before she threw her arms around Taemin's neck and embraced him. Then she said "yes" and squealed that Taemin almost became deaf but he just chuckled.

 

Taemin talked to his biological parents just the night before and told them his final decision. He told them he was going back to Japan but not to stay there for good but to say goodbye to them. But it didn't mean he'd leave them or he'd forget about them. They were his real parents, they would always be no matter what. They could come visit him in Korea and vice versa. They wouldn't lose their son. He wasn't going to distance himself. He just wanted to be happy and he knew his biological parents wanted his happiness too. He's going to tell this to his other parents once they visit them there in Seoul.

 

They talked about it till dinner. Jonghyun was just basically complaining about how Jinki never took him to a trip abroad and Jinki was just trying to stop himself from hitting his demanding boyfriend. Taemin was whispering to Amber asking her if the two were always like that and she just nodded with a tiny chuckle. Taemin just realized how patient and tolerant his brother was. Jonghyun was a really challenging guy, personality wise. But then again he also realized how tolerant Jinki was of him and his immaturity when they were younger.

 

Taemin insisted on walking Amber home even if Jonghyun was offering her a ride home. The two just honestly preferred walking so they could spend more time together and maybe talk a little longer on the way. And because Taemin wanted to hold her hand so he could give her warmth through his own tiny and thin hand.

 

"I'm running." Amber suddenly stated pulling her hand from his clasp.

"Noona, stop acting like a kid." He said with a straight face but then he snorted and laughed at himself because it was something he would never say. Amber was laughing as well.

"I'm really running." Amber dashed and so Taemin just shook his head and ran after her.

 

Amber stopped in the middle of the road and looked back to see how far Taemin was from her.

 

"Continue running!" Taemin shouted from afar who was then walking because he was already too tired.

"I'm on the pedestrian lane! I'm safe here!" Amber shouted back. Well, the street was empty, surprisingly.

"Hurry up!" Amber stomped her feet and waved. Taemin smiled and walked faster. But as he neared her, he could see a glaring light striking Amber, meaning there was a car coming. Taemin looked at the left and saw a white car coming and it was going fast like it had no plan on stopping. Taemin felt like it was a déjà vu, like he had seen the same scene before. The only difference was that his life wasn't in danger but Amber.'s He panicked so he ran as fast as he could towards Amber who just froze in the middle of the asphalt road knowing exactly what was going to happen if she didn't move. But even if she wanted to move, she just felt like the soles of her shoes were stuck on the ground. She could only close her eyes as the light became brighter. A second later, she felt arms enclosing her. She knew it was Taemin.

 

The car's wheels screeched as it stopped just a feet away from them. Taemin looked at the car once he understood it halted. He saw Soojung on the driver's seat. And once he made eye contact with her she backed the car and turned it a little to avoid them before she drove away.

 

"Noona, are you alright?!" He asked pulling his head backward to see her face. He just felt like his life flashed right in front of him again. Losing Amber would be so much like not feeling his legs or not being able to walk. He would prefer losing his life than losing her.

 

She gasped and opened her eyes. She relaxed with the calming stare he was giving her. She put her hands on his back and grabbed his shirt clenching it with her cold and trembling hands. Taemin stroked her head, running his fingers through her short hair, as he breathed in and out deeply vapor exiting his mouth.

 

<<< 

 

"Taemin, come in. It's really nice of you to visit." Taemin was welcomed by Soojung's mom. She appeared to be really contented to see him and she clearly didn't know what was going on between her daughter and Taemin.

"Is Soojung home? Can I please talk to her?" Taemin asked politely.

"Sure. She's in her room." Mrs Jung made way for him.

"Thank you." He slightly bowed and walked upstairs.

 

He could hear loud dance music through the door of Soojung's room. He knocked on the door before he opened it. Soojung was sitting on her bed, her back against the wall. She obviously didn't get any sleep the night before.  _She must've felt so guilty_. What she planned to do was horrible and she knew that.

 

She glanced at door and when she saw it was Taemin, she immediately looked down on the blanket covering her legs. Ashamed. That was exactly what she was feeling. Taemin sat on the side of her fluffy bed.

 

"Look at me." He said softly. Soojung turned off the speakers before she slowly gazed at him tilting her head a little.

"Why?" He simply asked his eyes blazing. But it didn't scare Soojung.

"Why? You're seriously asking me that?"

"Yes, Soojung. Why? Why did you do that? Why would you want to run over Amber? Soojung, have you already forgotten that I got hit by a car six years ago? Have you forgotten how much I suffered?" Taemin was burying his fists on the mattress. He didn't want to hurt her physically. That was the last thing in his mind. Soojung slowly blinked. It didn't cross her mind, what Taemin said. And she felt even more ashamed. She closed her eyes and looked away. She couldn't face him anymore.

"Soojung, you mean a lot to me. But what you planned on doing was just awful." Taemin continued since it seemed like Soojung didn't want to talk.

"I didn't tell anyone about it so don't worry, but..." Taemin sighed heavily.

"I don't know if I could forgive you." He added, but then he thought she had not apologized yet and he wasn't sure if she was apologetic.

"Well, I'm going." Taemin got up and started walking away.

"Sorry." He heard Soojung say but he never turned his head to look at her. He just continued to walk away.

 

Taemin didn't want to lose her as his friend even after what happened. Of course, he could forgive her but only time could tell when. He couldn't even blame her for what she did because she simply loved and sometimes too much love could lead to something incorrect or irrational. Everyone made mistakes, even he did. And love was the reason they made some errors but it was also the reason they were mended.

 

<<< 

 

"Taem, hurry up! We're gonna be late!" Amber yelled at the front door but Taemin was still in his room and he wasn't answering. Amber dropped her backpack and went inside stomping her feet with so much force. She stopped at the door and put her hands on her waist when she saw Taemin rummaging around the room. He obviously lost something.

"What are you looking for?" She asked with a patient tone.

"My... my headphones." He said with a huge struggle because he was looking under his bed.

"We just bought them the other day and you already lost them?" Amber was getting a little angry but still she helped him look for them so it would make the search faster.

 

"If he's looking for his headphones, I have them." Jinki suddenly appeared.

"My life saviour." Amber sighed in relief. Jinki knew Taemin would be too reckless with his things. That was something that would stay forever so he was the one to put his things in order.

"Come on, come on. Jonghyun's left alone in the car with mom and dad and he's getting scared." Jinki put a hand on their shoulders and pressed them before he pushed them out of the apartment. Amber picked up her bag on the way out.

 

"We're not gonna be late, right? We're not gonna miss our flight?" Amber asked as they walked down stairs looking back at Jinki.

"No, no, don't worry." Jinki shook his head and smiled.

"If we miss it, Taem, I'm gonna kill you." Amber glared at her boyfriend and he grimaced.

"Ah, noona, do you really prefer going to Japan than me?"

"Yes." Amber answered straightaway without any sign of doubt. Taemin's forehead creased feeling a little betrayed.

 

They rented a van because everyone wanted to send them to the airport. Jonghyun volunteered to drive them just because. He really didn't have any reasons. Mr and Mrs Lee were quiet, mr Lee was siting next to Amber while Mrs Lee next to her baby boy. Amber was teasing Taemin for being a mama's boy(without offending Mrs Lee) but Taemin didn't mind because he was guilty of that. He just kept hugging his mother making Amber jealous. After mocking Taemin for a while, Amber just decided to chat with Mr Lee so he wouldn't feel left out.

 

<<< 

 

"You'll come back, right?" Mrs Lee inquired as she caressed Taemin's left cheeks.

"I will. Promise." Taemin nodded closing his eyes.

"Don't worry, dear. I've talked to Amber. She said she'd make sure Taem would come back." Mr Lee said squeezing the back of Taemin's neck. They just laughed. He embraced his parents firmly but as gently as he could.

 

"Behave, okay?" Jinki told Amber.

"I'll try my best." She jokingly replied so both Jinki and Jonghyun narrowed their eyes that made her chuckle.

"Amber, please, don't let Taemin walk around alone. He's still a kid. He needs supervision." Jinki was half-kidding.

"I'm his girlfriend, not his babysitter." Amber tried to clear it up.

"Yeah, but we'll never know." Jinki only wanted the safety of his little brother even if Taemin already knew the city.

 

Taemin walked towards them and tugged Jonghyun's arm sleeve.

 

"Jjong hyung, take great care of my brother while I'm away, okay?" Taemin said it like an order as he looked at the older male with blazing gaze. Jonghyun wasn't sure if he should be scared of him or not because he still looked like an adorable kid even when he was glaring.

"Taemin, I've been doing that for over two years now." Jonghyun retorted while Jinki whispered "It's the other way around." behind him. It was a loud whisper so everyone heard him and Jonghyun just glared at him before looking back at Taemin.

"Taem, you'll only be away for a month." Jinki stated after giggling at what he said.

"Yeah but one month is really long. So Jonghyun hyung, if you hurt my brother while I'm gone, please remember that I'll be back really soon and I'm gonna hunt you down and probably murder you." Taemin said with a grim tone adding to his glare and it totally scared Jonghyun.

 

"Let's go, Taem. We need to check in." Amber pulled him away to lessen Jonghyun's tension.

"Take care, you two." Everyone waved at them and they waved back with one hand and the other holding their luggage. Taemin grabbed Amber then free hand and intertwined his finger with hers as they strolled happily towards the check in desks.

 

He kissed her forehead right after they checked in with the thought that everything was finally falling into place. He had no more tears to cry and he never wanted to see Amber cry again. If he was to see her tears, they had to be tears of joy and not sadness.

 

His mom, his dad, Jinki, and maybe even Jonghyun, he never wanted to see them cry ever again because of him. He only wanted to be the reason they smile like before all the commotion happened.

 

Everything that happened in the last seven years wasn't so good. They were the saddest years but he didn't want to forget about them because without the tears they had shed, those sad happenings and the sad memories they created, he wouldn't be where he was that moment, he wouldn't have been next to the girl he only loved and he wouldn't have had the chance to come back to his  _real_  family.

 

**Author's Note:**

> there will be a lot of flashbacks ^^;;


End file.
